I've tried to keep record of some/most of the books I've read over this past year, because that's interesting to look back at. The "for-school" reading is for either The Study of the Novel, Shakespeare, American Lit or Literary Traditions at RSU. There are likely lots of others I missed; but these following are the books I know that I read cover-to-cover this year. They'll be arranged as chronologically as possible within their sections.
NOVELS (AND PLAYS) READ FOR SCHOOL -
Sense and Sensibility, by Jane Austen
I haven't read much of Austen yet, but this is my favorite of hers. Everyone else in the class loathed it; but I felt right at home in the early-1800's setting and writing style. Austen was snarky and intelligent, and while she didn't care much for all of society's conventions, she recognized that they were there for a reason.
The Awakening, by Kate Chopin
Kate Chopin was a deeply unhappy single mother in the 1890's with a meager amount of talent and a heck of a lot of pent-up frustration and anger at the world in general. She would occasionally write a nice phrase or sentence by accident, only to realize what she did and erase it with two dreadful sentences to close the paragraph. She would often go on long abstract tangents. Her writing is very vulgar; used in the original Latin sense of commonness. There is nothing extraordinary about it.
About the plot of this book....I really don't care about a married woman having an affair and committing suicide when the man she wants won't agree to run away with her. It's just an extremely painful book to slog through, reading from a Christian perspective as Edna Pontellier's downward spiral continues with nothing to stop or slow it down. I was yelling and pleading with her on every page. Also, it was set in Louisiana, and I don't know French. That didn't help much, either.
A Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man, by James Joyce
...HELP!!!!!! Joyce takes the stream-of-consciousness style and accelerates it radically; and Stephen Dedalus is kind of a stand-in for Joyce himself, tracking his life up until he finishes the book. It's rather self-aggrandizing and such a headache to read. It also prominently features a ton of references to then-current Irish political affairs, with no explanation.
The Great Gatsby, by F. Scott Fitzgerald
This is a wonderful book, in my opinion. Others hate it; there's not much in-between. It is realistic? Very much so; it captures high-end Roaring Twenties life extremely well. Is it sad and rather depressing? Yeah, at times. But it illustrates really well Christ's point in Mark 8:36, "What does it profit a man to gain the whole world and lose his soul?"
Nick Carroway is a terrific narrator, but Daisy Buchanan...I've never been quite sure what I think of her. She's a character, for sure. And she's selfish. And that hurts Nick so much, and us along with him...
The Sun Also Rises, by Ernest Hemingway
The amount of alcohol consumed in this book is simply staggering. Also, Hemingway's journalistic style forces the reader to really search between the lines a lot. Jake Barnes is another fantastic narrator; and Americans in Europe gives a different look at the Roaring Twenties than we usually think of(that's illustrated well in Gatsby).
The Stranger, by Albert Camus
There is absolutely nothing of value to be found anywhere in this book. (And when I say that....) The plot follows an extremely apathetic man named Meursault in North Africa somewhere who commits a murder for no reason and then languishes in prison.
Go Tell It On the Mountain, by James Baldwin
Writers write, and readers read, connecting wherever they can. Sometimes that works better than others. I just couldn't connect to anything in this book, really. It was too urban(Depression-era New York City), and too black(lots of cultural history and bonds that white people don't have), and too Pentecostal. And the protagonist is likely gay, which is strike four. As a character study, it does well, vividly tracing the hurts of three generations, but there really isn't much plot at all. The climax is a likely-false spiritual experience-"conversion" which is even more abstract than Kate Chopin.
Sula, by Toni Morrison
This is....a really strange, weird, and violent book. There some interesting passages about the dynamics of small-town communities when facing trouble, but I certainly wouldn't have read it if I didn't have to.
The Unbearable Lightness of Being, by Milan Kundera
You don't see many novels set in Soviet-occupied countries. The Russians invade Czechoslovakia in the late sixties, and this book follows how a handful of loosely-interconnected people deal with that. It's pretty hard to read, honestly, because it's so bleak. But it's an interesting look at how the Soviet mind worked. And there are a few good passages about the concept of loyalty to country and the love of dogs. And the narrator uses an unusual technique of intruding into the tale to remind us that we're reading a book.
Blankets, by Craig Thompson
Graphic novels take a very specialized skillset. They're hard to read if you're not used to them, though. This is somewhat like Portrait in that it's a fictionalized autobiography, and like Chopin's Edna and Joyce's Stephen, Craig Thompson rejects the church explicitly, believing that it is incompatible with artistic freedom and expression. It's very depressing and I pretty much hated it.
The Hunger Games, by Suzanne Collins
I just don't really care much for young-adult fiction. They tend to all run together; first-person POV in a dystopian bleak world without any trace of hope, told by an arrogant and strong-willed female. The ideas behind this series were good; trying to modernize the Roman gladiatorial games and all, but most readers are too dumb, or too ignorant, of history for it to mean anything. I've got tears in my eyes just writing that, but it's true.
Anyway, I don't like Katniss, the book stretches on far too long, the idea of the Hunger Games is awful and sadistic, and the sappiness of the "I don't like either Gale or Peeta...but if I did, which one would it be?" element is way over-the-top and sickening.
Mockingjay is my favorite of the three, mainly because war leaves all unnecessary details out of the way, the role of the media during war is emphasized, and nearly everyone dies at the end because Collins was sick of dealing with the characters.
The Book Thief, by Markus Zusak
This was set during WWII, so that got my interest. The movie sounded great when it came out; and so for a "choose a novel within the last fifteen years" assignment came up, I considered this as an option. However, with about four days to read and then write an essay, it was simply far too large for that project. (It runs 550-ish pages.) But I'm glad I read it, and at some point I'm probably going to run through it again.
It's narrated by Death; which is weird. But it's about normal Germans during the war, who take in an orphan girl and then hide a young Jewish man. Lots about the power of books and reading that is great. But this is an extremely depressing read; like if you took the faith out of The Hiding Place. The non-chronological timeline was a bit hard to follow at times.
Marvels, by Kurt Busiek and Alex Ross
For that same assignment that I read The Hunger Games and The Book Thief, I also read a collection of an early-90's Marvel Comics miniseries called Marvels, retelling the history of superheroes from the perspective of a very ordinary freelance photographer. That's a really cool way to tell a story. And also, it deals with what heroism actually is, our resistance to change, and our fragility as created creatures.
Despite being a graphic novel, it wasn't too hard to read. I'd recommend y'all take a look at it if you can.
Oedipus Rex, by Sophocles
One of the world's foremost tragedies, of the "trying to prevent awful fate brings it about" variety.
A Midsummer Night's Dream, by William Shakespeare
Lots of good quotes in this comedy; and a fairly quick read, for being Shakespeare.
The Taming of the Shrew, by William Shakespeare
This was hard to follow. It's a good societal study of the role of women in the late 1500s, but that doesn't necessarily translate into a good play...plus, nearly everyone is pretending to be someone else, so most of the time you have no idea who's actually in the scene.
Medea, by Euripides
...Wow. Talking it over in the hallway with a couple classmates, one of them said, "I really wanted to like it. And I almost did - just, it was so horrible!" I totally agree with that statement.
As You Like It, by William Shakespeare
Not very much plot in this one, but a lot of really good quotes, including the "All the world's a stage" speech.
Much Ado About Nothing, by William Shakespeare
This was actually assigned for two courses in back-to-back weeks. So I got a double helping of this one. Which is good, because it's my favorite of his. (The Joss Whedon adaption is really amazing, too.) Benedick and Beatrice are awesome.
Their Eyes Were Watching God, by Zora Neale Hurstson
A feministic tale of a self-centered black woman's life in the early 1920's. (Nothing much good happens to her.) The dialect is well-captured, but I certainly wouldn't have read it on my own.
Henry IV, Part One, by William Shakespeare
One of his histories; there's a civil war, and Prince Hal is a burglar who hangs out in the taverns with the common people.
Henry V, by William Shakespeare
Prince Hal is King of England now; they fight over in France, lots of French people die. Another of those that were dimly remembered from reading through the scripts with the Nolands.
Romeo and Juliet, by William Shakespeare
"He was a boy/She was a girl/Can I make it any more obvious?" We all know this story's plot. And I love that opening. (It's from Avril Lavigne's song "Skater Boy".) It's rather a drag to slog through, and possibly Shakespeare's dirtiest writing, which is saying something.
Parable of the Sower, by Octavia E. Butler
No. Just "No." Because it's another YA book that's set in a dystopian future about a group of people traveling somewhere; told by an irritating first-person female narrator. And in this case, she also starts a cult. Another on the short list of "novels with absolutely zero admirable qualities", as I called it on Facebook.
Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, by William Shakespeare
The classic tale of revenge. It doesn't end well for anyone. But there are some nice quotes scattered throughout.
So Long a Letter, by Mariama Ba
A widow in an African country called Senegal complains about her life, society and men in a letter to a friend. Contains far more information about Muslim funerals than anybody really cares to know, but there are some good passages about education.
Othello, by William Shakespeare
Iago is a terrific villain. Other than that, this was hard to read.
The Color Purple, by Alice Walker
A long and winding account of an extended black family somewhere in the Deep South in the early 1900s. Everyone is pretty dysfunctional, and the narrator is a lesbian.
Daytripper, by Fabio Moon and Gabriel Ba
This is a graphic novel written by Brazilian twins, following the protagonist's life in nonchronological order, emphasizing that any day he could wind up dead. It's very strange.
Macbeth, by William Shakespeare
Probably my favorite of his tragedies. Why? I'm not sure. Maybe it's the self-doubting aspect.
The Ocean at the End of the Lane, by Neil Gaiman
A book-loving seven-year-old English boy in the mid 1960s gets involved in a series of very strange events when he comes under the wings of his neighbors, three witches running a diary farm. There are no rules in fantasy, which is a big reason I don't get these kinds of stories. But this one grows on you.
Trifles, by Susan Glaspell
A short murder-mystery play set in an early 1900s Nebraska farmhouse in the dead of winter. Pretty good, though obscure, script.
A Long Day's Journey Into Night, by Eugene O'Neill
Very autobiographical(and very long) play set entirely within about sixteen hours in the living room of a family of semi-functioning alcoholics and a drug addict in 1912. Depressing. I now get the reference Tony Stark makes to it in Age of Ultron, which is about the only upside. Oceans of stage directions are included in the script, making for an even longer read.
The Tempest, by William Shakespeare
This is just strange and hard to define, but I really enjoyed it. And I think it was probably where a lot of the plot for The Little Mermaid came from(aside from Hans Christian Andersen's story, of course).
The Strange Library, by Haruki Murakami
This book's design is a nightmare. If you have to puzzle out for five minutes just to figure out how to open it, that doesn't bode well. And then with the closest equivalent being Alice in Wonderland in terms of story....yeesh. A boy is kidnapped by a cannibalistic librarian and jailed for a month, with his only companions being a man wearing the skin of a sheep and a possibly-invisible mute girl. Weird things happen.
A Streetcar Named Desire, by Tennessee Williams
Bruce Banner says it best. Where to begin....the set sounds like a nightmare to build, there's lots of piano music for no reason in the stage directions, and the characters are all detestable. A intolerable lady moves in for the summer with her sister and brother-in-law; the neighbors are just as bad as they are, and it ends with a rape. And then everyone is OKAY WITH IT?!!!
Of Mice and Men, by John Steinbeck
I hate Steinbeck possibly even more than Dickens. Nothing much happens until a handicapped guy accidentally kills someone, and then he gets shot at the end.
FICTION -
Hepatica Hawks, by Rachel Field
One of those 1930's moral coming-of-age stories along the lines of Lucy Maud Montgomery or someone like that; except this one follows a traveling freakshow, which adds a really interesting element. This book will leave you thinking for a while after reading it.
Batter Up!, by Nate Aaseng
A middle-schooler learns about prayer during a rough baseball season.
Tournament Upstart, by Thomas J. Dygard
This book is basically Hoosiers, except the time covered is a single weekend, the setting is the Arkansas state tournament, and it was published a handful of years before the movie came out.
The Princess Bride, by William Goldman
As the narrator's dad describes it in the introduction, this novel has "True love. Revenge. Adventure. Pirates. Good men. Bad men. Beatifulest ladies. Sword fights. Magic." READ THIS BOOK IMMEDIATELY.
To Kill a Mockingbird, by Harper Lee
One of my All-Time Favorite First-Person Narratives Ever Written. This is such a wonderful book, it's hard to describe. Something about Scout's narration style, plus the narrative distance, and then Atticus, Jem, Dill and Miss Maudie...So much to chew over!
The Hundred and One Dalmatians, by Dodie Smith.
This is what the animated Disney movie was based on, and then the 1996 live-action remake, and to a larger extent, the late-90's Saturday morning cartoon series. The book is by far the best of all those, followed by the cartoon series.
Great Stories of O. Henry
A collection of some of the best of William Sydney Porter. Terrific.
O. Henry's Short Stories
Another collection of wonderful tales.
The Cemetery Club, by Blanche Manos and Barbara Burgess
Blanche was my grandma's best friend, so in a way, it was like spending some time with Mimi again, reading this book. I wouldn't have ever come close to reading it if Blanche hadn't written it, but it was nice for a cozy mystery written by an old lady who's taught school for most of her life.
Fahrenheit 451, by Ray Bradbury
I dislike sci-fi, especially dystopian sci-fi, almost as much as YA. But I loved this book. Not because it was all that good by itself; I mean, it was a sci-fi book set in a dystopian world. No; more because the author loves books and reading, and knows full well how powerful storytelling can be, and the moral of the story is to keep that love of reading alive; because if we don't, then all these horrible consequences will follow. The scary thing is, he was right on a lot of that. I once read a quote of his(before reading this book) that said the only people who are allowed to write sci-fi are the crazy ones(Star Wars novels and fanfic in general) and the people who are trying to save humanity from itself.
Peril at End House, by Agatha Christie
This one is not one of her best. Of the late fifties/early sixties "I'm cranking something out for the publishers because they're demanding me to" variety.
Peace Like a River, by Leif Enger
This was a very strange novel, but worth reading, and it was good. It's set in North Dakota, of all places, in the winter of 1962-63, as a single father and his two younger children search in an Airstream trailer for the oldest son, on the run from the authorities after accidentally murdering someone.
Jane of Lantern Hill, by Lucy Maud Montgomery
This was one of her last books, and you can tell. It's fairly boring, except for several passages about the importance of stories(both secular and in the Bible), and the magic and secrets of old houses.
Jurassic Park, by Michael Crichton
This was a great book. I might actually buy it. The movie was much scarier, but the book goes into a lot more detail, like long conversations on the collapse of science and the failures of the university system. And on page 80, Dr. Ian Malcolm has a great quote: "Isn't it amazing? In the information society, expected to banish paper, but what we actually banished was thought." (See Bradbury's paraphrased quote above.)
Gone With the Wind, by Margaret Mitchell
First, this book is 1,039 pages. Second, it's very hard to read at times, because of how hard the war is and everything. And Scarlett makes lots of decisions with no good sides. But I enjoyed it a lot, and will definitely reread it at some point.
The Ordinary Princess, by M.M. Kaye
This is a completely straighfoward, unironical, fairy tale. A fairy tale that is about a princess who is extremely ordinary. And it's amazing.
Once On a Time, by A.A. Milne
The author said of this story, "You will either like this book, or you won't. It's that kind of book." It deals mainly with how easy it is to deceive people to keep society running smoothly, so that's different than most fairy tales.
Death in Berlin, by M.M. Kaye
Not quite Agatha Christie, but pretty close. She was surrounded by military men all her life(her grandpa, dad, brothers and husband), so she traveled a lot, so it's fitting that this novel is set among military men who move a lot. It's also set in 1952, so the war is still very, very fresh in everyone's mind.
Brave New World, by Aldous Huxley
This was unpleasant. But I was glad I read it. It's a lot like George Orwell's 1984 that way. And like Fahrenheit 451, it presents an alarmingly accelerated version of where our society could end up. Borrowed this from the DeSpains.
The Screwtape Letters, by C.S. Lewis
If Brave New World made me uncomfortable because of what's going on in society, rereading Screwtape reminded me all too well that I'm a sinful human.
The Secret Adversary, by Agatha Christie
Tommy and Tuppence make a great team. Plus it's just a really fun read. Young twentysomethings just back from a war get involved by accident with international espionage.
Grave Shift, by Blanche Manos and Barbara Burgess
The second of Blanche's cozy mysteries; even harder to take seriously.
Best Left Buried, by Blanche Manos and Barbara Burgess
These characters drink coffee as much as Hemingway's drink alcohol....it's crazy. Also, there was no way I could take this one very seriously. But sometimes those are nice.
Chasing the Wind, by Robert Elmer
This is the fifth of an eight-book series about the adventures of 12-year-old Danish twins and their best friend during/just after WWII. In this one, they get kidnapped by a rogue Nazi submarine hauling lost treasure to Brazil. It was reread as research for a project me and my writing partner Ashland were working on.
Much Ado About Nothing, by William Shakespeare
I think this is my favorite of his plays; because of the insults slung between characters, especially Benedick and Beatrice. Shakespeare's still rather hard to understand sometimes, though. (Note: After studying about a third of his plays the next semester, it gets easier.)
Go Set a Watchman, by Harper Lee
This was the parent of Mockingbird; and it shows. The third-person narration is clunky and characters aren't as well developed, but there are flashes of greatness which led to her completely overhauling the story as Mockingbird, which flew to dizzying heights of success. It was pretty good, but not great. There was a lot of controversy about whether it ought to be published or not, which I haven't quite made up my mind about.
N or M?, by Agatha Christie
Another fantastic Tommy and Tuppence adventure, set during WWII, so that makes it even more fun.
Christy, by Catherine Marshall
The author fictionalized her mother's first year as a missionary schoolteacher in the hills of Eastern Tennessee. It drags on a bit, and I disliked the ending, but overall it was a good story. Felt like a cross between Lucy Maud Montgomery and Harold Bell Wright(Shepherd of the Hills) stylistically, which was good.
The Christmas Puppy, by Roberta Grobel Inrater, illustrated by Bruce McNally
The tale of a mischief-loving tan-and-white puppy named Tina, and the joy she brings to her family and a homeless guy named Sam. Terrific, quick, laugh-inducing and heartbreaking read.
The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes, by Bill Watterson
Transmogrifiers! Hopeless attempts at playing baseball! Calvin pretending to be an elephant! Philosophizing while riding a death-wagon down a steep murderous hill! Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant.
The Essential Calvin and Hobbes, by Bill Watterson
More transmogrifying! Dinosaurs! The beginnings of Calvinball! Expressions of surprise! Susie Derkins!
Julie, by Catherine Marshall
Yeccch! Overly flowery, none of the characters feel honest, so it's impossible to care about anyone. This book was written with A Moral In Mind - that the church ought to do more to serve the needs of less-fortunate people. Also, she was an old lady the time she wrote this, and so she crammed her teenage biography into the story. And then she died, and her husband/editor didn't want to change too much about it. Would've been better if he had.
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, by J.K. Rowling
After two weeks as an English major, I realized something: There was at least one Harry Potter reference in class every day. Figured I ought to reread the first one, if not go through the whole thing, so I'd have some idea of the references. Still didn't like it.
Shane, by Jack Schaefer
Easily the best Western I've ever read, on the short list of my favorite first-person narratives.
The Lost World, by Michael Crichton
More dinosaurs! More tension! A couple more interesting passages about today's society to think about! Worth reading, though nowhere near as good as the original.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, by J.K. Rowling
This book is really self-conscious about being a sequel. And Rowling's style is clunky, and I guessed most of the major plot points miles ahead of the characters. (I like Hermione, though.) But she does have a good way of depicting things in snappy ways. ("Mrs. So-and-So looked exactly like an underfed vulture.").
Come Rain or Come Shine, by Jan Karon
This fourteenth Mitford book deals with the stress and mayhem of planning a wedding....this time of Dooley and Lace. Mitford is a wonderful place to visit.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, by J.K. Rowling
More of the same, this time with time travel involved. Yawn. (Hermione is still the best character.)
The Outsiders, by S.E. Hinton
This was written by a Tulsa teenager in the mid-sixties. It's set in Tulsa, about social-class warfare. And then in the early eighties was made into a movie starring Rob Lowe, Emilio Estevez and Tom Cruise. I liked it, and need to see the movie now.
Where the Red Fern Grows, by Wilson Rawls
Possibly the saddest book ever written. But one of the most wonderful first-person narratives ever written. Because love is like that. And dogs are special. Set in/outside Tahlequah, which earns MAJOR bonus points.
The Christmas Doll, by Elvira Woodruff
Two orphan girls try to stay alive on the cold streets of Victorian London. It's a book about hope, family, and soldiering on to get through the day. From a technical standpoint probably not the greatest thing ever written, but it is a really good book.
Star Wars: Dark Lord: The Rise of Darth Vader, by James Luceno
The title is pretty self-explanatory...the story picks up right after Revenge of the Sith ends, in the earliest days of the Empire.
The Shakespeare Stealer, by Gary Blackwood
A young orphan named Widge is tasked with stealing the script of Hamlet, only to discover the power and joy that comes with acting.
Shakespeare's Scribe, by Gary Blackwood
Widge is now an apprentice with the Lord Chamberlain's Men; and after Mr. Shakespeare breaks his hand, he helps with writing the new play All's Well That Ends Well. More good passages on acting and that gray area between truth, falsehood and fiction.
Prey, by Michael Crichton
Nanotech robot insects terrorize a secret compound in the Nevada desert.
The Maze Runner, by James Dashner
Ashland has been after me for months to read this when I get the chance(those are the best kind of friends), and I finally found it in the Okmulgee library. It was really good for being a YA novel. All these teenage boys are trapped inside a gigantic maze with their only memories being their names. And then a girl shows up through the mysterious elevator.
The Light that Failed, by Rudyard Kipling
This is a story about two orphans who fall in love and grow up to be artists. So of course life won't be easy. The copy I read we found at a book sale, and it was so old that there was no copyright information.
Sphere, by Michael Crichton
My least favorite of his that I've read, because being stuck a thousand feet beneath the Pacific Ocean isn't too fun.
PICTURE BOOKS -
With an eight-year-old sister, that leads to lots of picture-book-reading. These will NOT be chronological, just whatever order I pulled them off the shelf.
Big Red Barn, by Margaret Wise Brown, pictures by Felicia Bond
A quick survey of the farm, with wonderful, bright illustrations. This is a good one.
Mice At Bat, story and pictures by Kelly Oechsli
In this picture book for early on-their-own readers, the mice that live and do janitorial work at the baseball stadium hold a championship game of their own one night. If you like baseball and personified animals, it offers an interesting idea(though not done as well as Leonard Kessler).
Paul Bunyan Finds a Wife, by Adele deLeeuw, pictures by Ted Schroeder
Tall tales are awesome. Especially when tall-tale legends get married; the teamwork adds to even greater, more ludicrous exploits.
The Giving Tree, by Shel Silverstein
"...and the Tree was happy." This book is one of the best examples of friendship and sacrificial love that I can think of.
Are You My Mother?, by P.D. Eastman
His drawings are amazing.
The Best Nest, by P.D. Eastman
I don't much like either Mr. or Mrs. Bird, but I love the way they're drawn.
Go, Dog, Go!, by P.D. Eastman
There isn't much of a story in this one. Mostly a bunch of isolated pictures of dogs doing anthropomorphic things like wielding jackhammers, riding roller coasters and getting in car wrecks. It's one of my favorite picture books of all time.
The Relatives Came, by Cynthia Rylant, illustrated by Stephen Gammell
Anything Rylant is automatically awesome. This story tells about the visit of extended family.
Amelia Bedelia, by Peggy Parish, pictures by Fritz Siebel
This one isn't all that funny, but you had to start somewhere with a housekeeper that takes everything literally....
Teach Us, Amelia Bedelia!, by Peggy Parish, pictures by Lynn Sweat
There we go, Lynn Sweat's drawings are what we're used to seeing when we meet Amelia Bedelia. And as a substitute schoolteacher, things predictably don't go as planned. Hilarity ensues.
Play Ball, Amelia Bedelia!, by Peggy Parish, pictures by Wallace Tripp
Amelia Bedelia has to learn to play baseball to help the Grizzlies win their game against the Tornadoes. It's great. Mimi and Nano used to read it to me a lot.
The Great Corgiville Kidnapping, by Tasha Tudor
This is one of the best picture books nobody's ever heard of. It has a great world you want to live in for a while, filled with references to Julia Child, creative editing of angry swearing, and jokes about Nova Scotian raccoons. Plus amazing illustrations. AND it's a mystery/adventure!
The Scrambled States of America, by Laurie Keller
Laurie Keller is one of my all-time favorite picture-book authors and illustrators. And the answer to the question, "What if the states got tired of their neighbors and moved?" is wonderful. GO READ THIS BOOK IMMEDIATELY!
The Scrambled States of America's Talent Show, by Laurie Keller
Really not that necessary....but I'll certainly read it, for another dose of her quirky style of humor and way of phrasing things. (Virginia is a very polite state...)
Open Wide, by Laurie Keller
Most of what I know about teeth comes from this book, which is what she intended, I think. Anyway, it's learning, and great characters, and humor, all wrapped up in one package.
The Year at Maple Hill Farm, written and illustrated by Alice and Martin Provensen
Everyone's favorite farm to visit that you've never actually seen. And the drawings were done with Prismacolors!
The Hound From the Pound, by Jessica Swaim, illustrated by Jill McElmurry
Odd for a picture book to have British humor, but this is really good.
Frog Trouble, by Sandra Boynton
Boynton's another on my list of all-time favorite picture book author-illustrators, and this one is even better because it's a bunch of songs, sung by Kacey Musgraves, Brad Paisley, Allison Krauss and Josh Turner. (The songs are all hysterical, as you would expect.)
Barn Dance!, by Bill Martin Jr. and John Archambault, illustrated by Ted Rand
This was a Reading Rainbow book; the farm animals hold a square dance while the farmer is asleep. Square dancing is awesome. Personified animals are great, too. Together? It's a good book.
A Pocket for Corduroy, by Don Freeman
I've never much liked Corduroy. I don't know why.
Froggy Goes To Bed, by Jonathan London, illustrated by Frank Remkiewicz
You know what's going to happen in a Froggy story..but the pictures are really what makes them so enjoyable.
So Many Bunnies, by Rick Walton, pictures by Paige Miglio
One of the best ABC-centered picture books.
Adam Raccoon and Bully Garumph, by Glen Keane
Adam Raccoon was one of those characters that I always associated with Westville and the farm, like Amelia Bedelia or the animals of Wonder Woods. In this story, Adam's having trouble with a big bully that's always making soccer difficult.
More Bunny Trouble, by Hans Wilhem
Another adventure of Ralph the soccer-playing rabbit. Here he has to find his little sister Emily, who's gotten lost. Wonderful pictures.
Big Bad Bunny Trouble, by Hans Wilhem
A gang of foxes are going to ram down the door of the house to eat all the rabbits painting Easter Eggs. Can Ralph, who's been grounded in his room, somehow save them all?
Three Stories You Can Read To Your Cat, by Sara Swan Miller, pictures by True Kelley
Even before I had a cat, I would enjoy reading this. Even before I had a dog I enjoyed reading this. I think I just like reading about animals. And I enjoy second-person narration.
Three Stories You Can Read To Your Dog, by Sara Swan Miller, pictures by True Kelley
From a dog's perspective instead of a cat's, which is just as entertaining.
Mr. Pine's Purple House, by Leonard Kessler
All the houses look the same. (Think John Mellancamp complained about this around the same time.) How's Mr. Pine going to distinguish his from the rest? Leonard Kessler is another of Wesley's All-Time Favorite Picture Book Authors/Illustrators.
Kick, Pass and Run, by Leonard Kessler
The animals discover a football in the woods, learn how the game is played, and then start up a game of their own. SO GREAT!
Super Bowl, by Leonard Kessler
The Animal Champs and the Super Birds are all set for the Super Bowl. Who's gonna win?
On Your Mark, Get Set, Go! The First All-Animal Olympics, by Leonard Kessler
The animals find the sports section of a newspaper, discover the Olympic Games, and decide to host their own version.
The Carrot Seed, by Ruth Krauss, illustrated by Crockett Johnson
A boy grows a carrot plant in his garden, and eventually, with patience, time and loving care, a carrot grows.
Harold and the Purple Crayon, by Crockett Johnson
This book's plot could be applied very easily to the process of writing a story.
The Bananas Move To The Ceiling, by Esther and Stephen Manes, illustrated by Barbara Samuels
The Bananas have a serious problem with messiness. So they come up with an....interesting...way of dealing with it.
The Crippled Lamb, by Max Lucado, illustrated by Liz Bonham
One of my favorites. There's been plenty of times I've felt like Joshua; especially as I've gotten older. This is just a wonderful story; a wonderful way of looking at the miracle of Christ's birth. And when I'm reading it to myself I always hear it narrated by Trinnica, because during AWANAS one Wednesday night at Southside she read it to a bunch of us.
Paw Paw Chuck's Big Ideas From the Bible, by Charles R. Swindoll, illustrated by Ross Vera
A bunch of the best-known(and best-loved) Bible stories, told at an introductory level, in order for them to stick. This is an amazing book.
The Goat ABCs, by Patricia Polacco
A goat-centered ABC book. Great illustrations.
Big Dog, Little Dog, by P.D. Eastman
Two friends argue over everything, and neither can get a good night's sleep while on vacation at the ski slopes. Plus more wonderful Eastman illustrations!
The Cat in the Hat, by Dr. Seuss
Everyone knows this story.
NONFICTION -
Once Upon a Town, by Bob Greene
A journalist inserts himself into his account of researching a remarkable community project during WWII by a small city in southwest Nebraska. It's an amazing book, simply because of the morale raised during the war and the sacrifices of those both on the front lines and back on the homefront.
Love Stories of World War II, collected by Larry King
The style these were written in was yawn-inducing, but many of the situations themselves, or characters involved, looked like terrific material to steal for a story. So for that reason, it was a good book.
The Elements of Style, by William Strunk Jr. and E.B. White
One of the most useful tools for writing well in print. Consult it often.
Mooring Against the Tide, by Jeff Knorr and Tim Schnell
Okay, this was a Creative Writing textbook, so I kind of had to read it at least eight times through cover-to-cover during the spring semester. But it was very instructive on the mechanics of poetry; how to write it, what it is, that kind of thing.
Adventures in the Screen Trade, by William Goldman
A sort-of-behind-the-scenes look at Hollywood, and comments about life and storytelling. (This book was published five years before The Princess Bride was released to theaters. The book had been out for ten years.)
Which Lie Did I Tell? More Adventures in the Screen Trade, by William Goldman
The sequel, written eighteen years after the first. More of the same type of material as the first. (Goldman is a fantastic writer.)
When Your World Falls Apart, by David Jeremiah
This was good. Lots of in-depth study of the Psalms, which are fairly easy to skip over and forget they exist. His attitude was basically, "Hey, life is hard. It's part of the way the world is, because of the Fall. But somehow that's part of God's plan. So keep fighting."
Caught Up in a Story, by Sarah Clarkson
This lady's writing was terribly clunky, but I loved her ideas. I just wished she could have expressed them better....It basically says that children need to be brought up immersed in stories(which is pretty much how I grew up, so I'm biased, but...)
Reagan: The Hollywood Years, by Marc Eliot
This was really interesting to read. Not just because Reagan was a good man to study, or because the studio-system era of moviemaking was fascinating(and unfair), but because of the author's thinking that sure, we all know about Reagan the president. But in order to understand Reagan the president, we have to find out how he became that man as Reagan the actor.
Ian Fleming: The Man Behind James Bond, by Andrew Lycett
This was very disappointing. It was extremely British, meaning full of high-class snobbishness. That could have been easily overcome, though; Fleming lived as those walls were coming down. (He was only about fifteen years younger than Agatha Christie.) But no; the author must give the life history of every single person who ever came into contact with Fleming at any point in his lifetime... I only plowed through because it's awful to leave books half-finished. Also, nowhere is there any explanation whatsoever for British academic terms or athletic awards.that played a role in schoolboy days. (If Laura Hillenbrand had been writing this, though...oh, well.) Anyway, Fleming was a very strange man, and his books are much more interesting than he was.
Say Goodnight, Gracie! The Story of Burns and Allen, by Cheryl Blythe and Susan Sackett
If I would've known anything about them before reading this book, it would have been better. George Burns and Gracie Allen were almost as famous as Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz, it seems. And their humor likely influenced the writers of The Dick Van Dyke Show and Parks and Recreation, among others.
Kids Say the Darndest Things, by Art Linkletter
Humorous quotes and exchanges from Art Linkletter's TV and radio shows.
Blogging For Writers, by Robin Houghton
This was somewhat useful; resulting in minor tweaks to both of my blogs. If I could invest more time to create a full WordPress website, it would be very useful. Bought at the Successful Writer Conference.
A Writer's Survival Guide to Getting Published, by Terry Burns
This was an expansion of a talk given at the conference by a friendly old guy now working as an agent, and it's basically "These are the rules to follow in order to have a decent chance at getting published." Extremely helpful.
Writing in Obedience: A Primer for Christian Fiction Writers, by Terry Burns and Linda Yezak
Besides knowing the rules for surviving the way to possibly getting published; as Christians, we have a separate set of rules to follow for life in general, and when life-rules and writing-rules seem to come into conflict, it's hard to know how to react. Self-promotion doesn't seem like being humble, for example. So this book basically says, "Hey, so we're assuming you're a believer. Do you like writing? Then write. Do you feel like that's what God has gifted you with the skills to do? Then write! The Lord's sovereign over everything, right? He'll get your work to the people that need to read it. You just write, and see what he has planned." Very encouraging.
The Very Best Baby Name Book in the Whole Wide World, collected by Bruce Lansky
That title sums it up. Baby-name books are extremely necessary resources for writers, and this is the best ever. Characters need the perfect name in order to get to know them, because that's usually the first thing we learn about a stranger. Everything else follows from that information.
Looking for Calvin and Hobbes: The Unconventional Story of Bill Watterson and his Revolutionary Comic Strip, by Nevin Martell
Realizing just now that that is a very long subtitle. Anyway, this was a very unusual biography. It was written kind of like Bob Greene's Once Upon a Town, in that the author inserted himself tracking the story as a character in the story. Also, Watterson is so private and reclusive that he provided no help whatsoever, and neither did his brother. His mother helped out a little bit at the end, though. Anyway, it was a good book. And only an unusual man could create a comic strip as brilliant as Calvin and Hobbes.
How To Read a Book, by Mortimer J. Adler and Charles Van Doren
This was very informative. By their standards, I probably am not very well-versed at reading. (Mostly I read fiction, or biographies. Very little for attaining new information.) I did wonder how much to trust it, though; being that it was co-written by Charles Van Doren, of the 1950's Quiz Show Scandal....
Keeping Our Children's Hearts, by Steve and Teri Maxwell
From the "Read whatever your fingers land on" category. Sure, the Maxwells were one of the early homeschooling families, especially when it comes to the Internet, but THEY WERE REALLY UPTIGHT. Like, you think of all those homeschooling cliches, realize they must have come from somewhere, and just cringe. Their motives were probably good, but the book seemed like a bunch of advice from a houseful of obsessively overprotective weirdos. And who wants that? (Said by someone who occasionally reads and enjoys No Greater Joy magazine...)
Altar Ego, by Craig Groeschel
Yecch. It might have just been presentation, or something, but this was pretty bad. Very "RAH-RAH-RAH! Isn't being a Christian GREAT?! Hey, did you see how humble I was being right there?" My response was more like, "Great, dude....can you go serve Jesus somewhere very far away from where I am right now?"
Parenting Today's Adolescent, by Dennis and Barbara Rainey
Not sure why I picked this one up; it was just sitting on the shelf and I grabbed something randomly. I agreed with most of what it said; though not everything. Anyway, might be useful to know for if I'm ever a parent.
Church Membership, by Jonathan Leeman
Very interesting, if a rather strange topic. One of those T4G books that always look worth reading. Read just after the announcement of a possible church merger, because I was curious about what it would say. It confirmed that I probably ought to study the book of Acts some more.
No Plot? No Problem! How to Write a Low-Stress, High-Velocity Novel in 30 Days, by Chris Baty
This guy is crazy.That title says it all. He started a movement of complete novel-writing in a month. Perfect for those people who've "always meant to write something, one of these days..." He's also really fun, in an off-the-wall manner. (FYI: It's really, really hard to try a NaNoWriMo project. But everyone should try it, preferably multiple times.)
Burning Bush 2.0: How Pop Culture Replaced the Prophet, by Paul Asay
Basically, this book says that God speaks to us through our entertainment, which can be seen in our love of stories and ability to create them. And how to sort out those messages that God's trying to tell us from the humans who "rather mucked it up", as Peggy Carter says in The Winter Soldier. It's the kind of book I'd like to write someday.
Strengthening Your Grip. by Charles R. Swindoll
Kind of reaffirming the principles to stand upon as a foundation in a sand-based world. Pretty good.
How To Have A 48-Hour Day, by Don Aslett
"These are the attitudes and some tips to get more done faster and more effectively!" Brought to you by the world's most famous and most successful janitor.
How To Survive Your Freshman Year, edited by Mark W. Bernstein and Yadin Kaufmann
A collection of advice for how to survive your freshman year of college. Some of it's useful, some not.
The Path to Home, by Edgar Guest
A collection of Guest's poems, which is terrific.
When Day is Done, by Edgar Guest
Another poetry collection.
The Friendly Way, by Edgar Guest
Another collection of verse from one of the best poets of the 20th century.
The Mind's Eye, by Kevin Clark
This was a textbook for Poetry Writing, I disagreed with most of its ideas and thought the rest were mostly unintelligible or unhelpful. But I'm old-fashioned when it comes to poetry, so that explains it. We barely even used it, so it didn't really matter. Maybe I'll do some of the exercises when bored sometime and like it better.
The Hidden Life of Dogs, by Elizabeth Marshall Thomas
The comedy-drama of the life of one pack, as written by their scientifically-minded owner. Funny, interesting and sad at times, it was one of those "good books pulled from Okmulgee library book sale" finds. It would make a really great springboard for a Meerkat Manor type of fiction piece.
When God Doesn't Make Sense, by James Dobson
Sometimes He doesn't. And so we just have to try to trust that He knows what He's doing. Very good book.
Flannery O'Connor and the Christ-Haunted South, by Ralph C. Wood
She was an odd writer, but I kind of like her stuff. And this was written in a near-intolerably dull academic manner, but it was okay, overall. I read it for research on an American Lit essay.
Shakespeare and Masculinity, by Bruce R. Smith
A book I blazed through while researching an essay for Lit Traditions. It was very academic; but might be worthwhile if I had more time to study it. It kind of dealt with what it meant for Shakespeare's characters to be masculine.
The Gospel According to Peanuts, by Robert L. Short
This quick read was good example of the "How to Mine Pop Culture in Order to Witness to the World" style of evangelism. It's not a perfect book; because it was written by a human. But in general, it's good. (Also, I think this was the first book to take that approach specifically.)
Chicken Soup for the College Student's Soul, collected by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, Kimberly Kirberger and Dave Clark
Inspirational and encouraging anecdotes and scenes of college living. It's a formula, sure. But man, does it work well.
Concerning Cats, by Helen M. Winslow
This wonderful 1900 book is by a cat-lover for cat-lovers everywhere, and if you aren't one you will wonder why such a book needs to exist. But then, you are likely "one of those people that not only dislikes cats, but thinks it is a special virtue to dislike them", as Lucy Maud Montgomery said in The Blue Castle. For the rest of us, it's a pawfect treasure.
Maud: The Life of L.M. Montgomery, by Harry Bruce
This was a very well-written biography. About the only complaint I had was that it wasn't long enough.
Schulz and Peanuts: A Biography, by David Michaelis
Charles Schulz was a very complicated man. This biography was extremely well-researched; though at 565 pages can feel too large sometimes. The creator of Charlie Brown, Snoopy, Linus, Lucy and everybody else reminded me a lot of myself...which was uncomfortable. And it's weird to be preached at by a biography.
Understanding Comics: The Invisible Art, by Scott McCloud
A very comprehensive deconstruction of how comics work, and explanation of how each of the elements involved plays a role in helping the audience understand the story.
A Charlie Brown Christmas: The Making of a Tradition, by Lee Mendelson and Bill Melendez
A behind-the-scenes look at some of what went into creating the very first Peanuts television special.
Orthodoxy, by G.K. Chesterton
Kind of a spiritual biography, as he calls it. Very good read(look at "The Ethics of Elfland" especially.)
The American Plate: A Culinary History in 100 Bites, by Libby H. O'Connell
A history of America through quick snapshot sketches of popular foods which were culturally significant in some way. The author works for the History Channel.
Street Gang: The Complete History of Sesame Street, by Michael Davis
Somehow this guy made a history of something as colorful and energetic as Sesame Street read dry as dust. Maybe it's cause only about fifty pages(out of 350-ish) deal with the actual production lifetime of the show. Literally half the book is dull arguments between education professors and various government agencies during preproduction. And while the history of early children's programming was interesting, there was far too much information given in that area.
Yes Please, by Amy Poehler
Well-written sentences and really strange experiences rule about equally in this memoir. Written during the closing days of Parks and Rec, so extra points for that.
The Art of Voice Acting, by James R. Alburger
Basically, an introduction to the business of voice acting. Useful as a beginning textbook in terms of explaining the terms and concepts, now I just need to find more books on the subject.
Saturday Night Live FAQ: Everything Left to Know About Television's Longest-Running Comedy, by Stephen Tropiano
That subtitle pretty much sums it up. A history of the first 38 years of SNL, which makes it(so says the first page) the most recent of the four histories of the show. Reading through descriptions of famous characters and sketches from the late 90's, I was like, "Hey, I know that character! And that! And that catchphrase! How do I remember these?" And then I was all, "Oh, yeah....duh. Mom and Dad were youth pastors; and you always hung out with the cool teenagers." Anyway, it was a neat read.
You Can Write Greeting Cards, by Karen Ann Moore
A step-by-step explanation of the process of writing for greeting-card companies, specifically freelancing. It was published in 1999, so a lot of the info is too dated to be helpful, but it was interesting.
A Brief History of Anxiety - Yours and Mine, by Patricia Pearson
Traces both the concept of severe anxiety in society throughout history and her own struggles with dealing with off-the-wall fears and problems with antidepressant medications. It was interesting.
The Spiritual Discipline of Discernment, by Tim Challies
His first book, explaining what discernment is and why it's so important in the Christian life.
Christmas Songs and Their Stories, by Herbert H. Wernecke
Mom found this 1952 book at the Okmulgee library; it was fine, but not that great. I think the intended audience was choir directors. Two-thirds of the hymns I had never heard of.
Wordsmithy: Hot Tips for the Writing Life, by Douglas Wilson
A useful book on writing tips and suggestions for how to live in a way that will improve your writing, which is just one facet of your life.
Playwriting Brief and Brilliant, by Julie Jensen
This was a textbook for Dr. Blakely's scriptwriting course for Spring 2016, I got a jump on studying for it while on break. It didn't seem particularly helpful yet, but maybe that'll change. I do really like the author's name, though. I might swipe it for a character at some point.
Apples and Chalkdust, by Vicki Caruana
An encouragement gift book for teachers.
When You Rise Up: A Covenental Approach to Homeschooling, by R.C. Sproul Jr
The ideas behind this book on education are good, I guess....but it really just feels like you're being preached at the whole time. That's not much fun to read.
Kids Say the Darndest Things, by Bill Cosby
Apparently there was a remake of that series during the 90's with Bill Cosby as host? Anyway, this one wasn't as good as the original. Society became much more cynical from the 50's to the 90's. And Cosby tries to add clever reactions on top of the quotes.
Too Wise to Be Mistaken, Too Good to Be Unkind, by Cathy Steere
Mom got this on sale at Mardel thinking about giving it to Dayla, so I ran through it to see if she should maybe do that. This was a well-written account of a mother's realization that her son has autism, and how they dealt with that. Plus, it was published by Grace & Truth Books!
How NOT to Write a Screenplay, by Denny Martin Flinn
This was the other textbook for Dr. Blakely's Script Writing course that I was reading ahead for.
American Gun: A History of the U.S. in Ten Firearms, by Chris Kyle and William Doyle
This was an extremely readable history of guns. It was really cool, and interesting to learn about a subject I wasn't too familiar with. Plus history is awesome in any format or type.
Pawnee: The Greatest Town in America, by Leslie Knope (likely really created by the staff writers of Parks and Recreation)
Fantastic. Literally the best book written by a fictional character that I have ever read.
Felines of New York, by Jim Tews
I got this as a Christmas present for Courtney. It's pretty great.
Thursday, December 17, 2015
Sunday, December 6, 2015
Parks and Rec Quotes - Season Three, Part One
Recapping the best quotes of Parks and Recreation's third season starts NOW.
Episode One, "Go Big or Go Home".
"Ron. We're back!!!" - Leslie. "...Bully." - Ron.
"The bankrupt government of Pawnee has been shut down all summer, for the past three months it's been no work, no meetings, no late nights, no memos, nothing. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy." - Leslie.
"Apparently in Indiana, you have to provide a basketball league, 'cause if you don't people get very upset....and, quite frankly, throw things at you and call you names. Like 'Turd-Boy'. But, whatever - Point is, I reinstated youth basketball." - Ben. "This says here that there's only enough money for two teams?" - Leslie. "Yeah. They're gonna develop a great rivalry."
"Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys into men, from men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons. Behold: The Swanson Pyramid of Greatness." (Which consists of the following categories, in order from bottom, left to right: Frankness, Capitalism, Facial Hair, Living In the Woods, Rage, Security, Poise, Handshakes, Body Grooming on bottom row, Friends, Property Rights, Masonry, Cabins, Perspiration, You, Crying, Physical Fitness on the next-to-bottom row, Intensity, Torso, Old Wooden Sailing Ships, B.O., Stillness, Skim Milk, Cursing on next row, Cow Protein, Pig Protein, Chicken Protein, Romantic Love, Deer Protein, Fish on next row, Discipline, Attire, Self-Reliance, Suspicion, Skim Milk on next-highest row, Teamwork, Selfishness, Haircuts and Greatness Itself on the row above that, with Weapons, Woodworking and Welfare Avoidance next highest, America and Buffets are next to the top, with Honor as the peak.)
"Crying: Acceptable only at funerals and the Grand Canyon." - Ron explaining one of the categories of the Swanson Pyramid of Success.
"I'd say my coaching style is...centered around fundamentals. With an emphasis on 'FUN'!" - Andy. "And a second emphasis on 'mental'....Yeah, it can be hard, but every time one of these kids looks me in the eye and he calls me 'Coach,' that's how I know: I agreed to be a coach."
"I love dates. I love connecting with someone; I love engaging them, I love being surprised by them...I have never had a bad date. They've all been either great or phenomenally great!" - Chris
"So you asked him about the budget yet?" - Leslie, on phone. "Well, no; it's a little hard to bring up the Parks Department budget when you're talking about your favorite movies..." - Ann. "Jurassic Park; parks are so great; parks budget. There, I just did it for you in three moves." "Well....why don't you ask himself yourself, then?" (Leslie slams into Ann from nowhere.) "Okay, then! I will!" "Holy crap...."
(Wendy kisses Ron; Tom sees and blows his referee's whistle.) "That's a foul!" "What? On whom?" Coach Ron asks, irate. "On your team. On Number 50 over there. For double dribbling." "He's on defense!" "Exactly. That's a technical difficulty, so Andy's team gets to throw the ball from the stripey thing. Let's go!" (Ron, to himself.) "...'The stripey thing'?"
"That's a foul, for roughing the passer! That's a foul, for, uh....for touchin' the basketball!" -Tom
"I dedicate this win to April Ludgate, and it feels good! ...And it also feels sticky...you know, from the Gatorade." - Andy, after the 22-10 win for the Blue team over the Red.
"Leslie asked me to do her a favor, and I love her, so I did it. I'm sorry, and I'm here to eat crow. ...I like you a lot, so...let's go out again." - Ann to Chris.
Episode Two, "Flu Season".
"There is a crazy flu going around, so everyone is dehydrated and miserable, with a high fever and diarrhea. And one of those dehydrated, high-fevered, miserable people is April....who hates me." - Ann.
"I want a new nurse." - April. "...Well, there are none. We're stretched pretty thin right now." - Ann. "Then I want a janitor. They can do what you can, right?" "Yep....janitors and nurses are totally interchangeable..." "Except that nobody dresses up like a janitor on Halloween when they want to be slutty." "I get the sense that maybe you're mad at me for kissing Andy..." "No, I'm not! What are you talking about? That's crazy." "...and that you think it might be fun to take it out on me. Please don't do that." "'Do'? I can't do anything. I'm sick." (Ann turns to leave; immediately gets buzzed again.) "My blankets are on the floor," April scowls.
"....Sure. Anything for my favorite customer." - J.J. "Aw. I bet you say that to all the girls." - Leslie. "No, actually you are my favorite. You spent over a thousand dollars last year on waffles alone."
"Here." (Ron plunks grocery sack onto April's bed.) "I didn't know what to get you, so I just got some magazines and lipstick. Woman stuff." "Thanks. All my parents got me was that," she nods at enormous teddy bear. "Okayyyy. Well. I am not very good at visiting people in hospitals, so I'm going to go."
"The less I know about other people's affairs, the happier I am. I'm not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had! We still never talk sometimes." - Ron.
"My body is like a microchip, and the flu is like a grain of sand. It could literally take down the entire system." - Chris.
"We've been on a couple dates. I really like him. The problem is....he's like the perfect...human...man. I can't find one flaw! ...There was one time I thought he farted....but it was me..." - Ann, about Chris.
"Now, I know I'm not gonna find someone who's both aggressively mean and apathetic. April really is the whole package. But I think I know someone who will be just as uneffective...." - Ron.
"Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here, and it says you could have....'network connectivity problems.'" - Andy.
"104.1? Leslie, you're dehydrated. I'm admitting you." - Ann. "If I was sick, could I do this?" (She just sits there, eyes glassy. Ann and Ben stare.) "What are you doing?" - Ann. "Cartwheels. Am I not doing them?"
"It's not that I don't trust Ben...it's that I don't have faith in Ben...And also I'm starting to forget who 'Ben' is." - Leslie.
"I know what she's trying to do. She's tryin' to get me to break, and ya know what? I'm not gonna do it!" Ann smiles during an interview. "I'm gonna be professional, and I'm gonna put on a happy face, and then I'm gonna go into a supply closet and snap a bunch of tongue depressors!"
"I'll just go to Big Head Joe's. They have the most insane burritos." - Andy. "I don't go much for ethnic food." - Ron. "Trust me. They have something called the 'Meat Tornado', literally killed a guy last year." "You had me at 'Meat Tornado'." (Andy gallops off clumsily.)
"I bring a certain...panache and style to the spa experience for these guys. Before I joined, they were just three old white dudes quietly boiling alive in hot water." - Tom.
"I like Andy. I'm surrounded by a lot of women in this department. And that includes the men." - Ron.
"Hey April! I saw that you called for me. What can I do for you?" Ann asks mock-brightly. "I need more flu medicine." "...Oh. An actual request. ...Well, you can't have any. That stuff is powerful; so no extra doses." "I didn't take any...Leslie came in here and stole it and left." (Ann begins frantic search throughout hospital.)
"Okay, it's showtime," (Leslie, delirious, addresses wall.) "Good evening, all of you. I'm Leslie Monster, and this is Nightline." "Okayyy....I wouldn't open with that..." - Ben.
"Nothing like a complete physical breakdown to make a guy seem less intimidating. I love the flu!" - Ann, about Chris.
"Three....two....one....and my shift's over! WHAT THE F--- IS YOUR PROBLEM?!!!" - Ann. "Whoa...I thought you weren't gonna lose it?" April grins. "WHILE I WAS ON DUTY I DIDN'T! Now it's just me. I get that you're mad that I kissed Andy, okay? But it was a moment of confusion, and it was a mistake, and I'm very sorry. You wanna hate me forever?" "Okay." "Fine! You know what, I don't care! But you shouldn't take it out on Andy because he really likes you and he did nothing wrong! And just for the record, I'm starting to hate you, too!" (She storms out of room.) "That's the most I've ever liked Ann."
"That was amazing. That was...a flu-ridden Michael Jordan in the 1998 NBA Finals. That was....Kirk Gibson, hobbling up to the plate and hitting a home run off Dennis Eckersley. That was...." (Ben shakes his head in wonder.) "That was Leslie Knope."
(Andy kisses the sleeping April's forehead gently.) "Gross...your forehead's all sweaty. But I still like you anyway. Ew, that's disgusting...." (He walks out of her room, April opens her eyes and smiles in weary triumph.)
Episode Three, "Time Capsule".
(Leslie is reading every town slogan Pawnee has ever had.) "'Pawnee: The Paris of America.' 'Pawnee: The Akron of Southwest Indiana.' 'Pawnee: Welcome, German soldiers!' After the Nazis took France, our mayor kinda panicked. 'Pawnee: The Factory Fire Capital of America.' 'Pawnee: Welcome, Vietnamese soldiers!' 'Pawnee: Engage with Zorp!' For a brief time in the 70's, our town was taken over by a cult. 'Pawnee: Zorp is dead. Long live Zorp.' 'Pawnee: It's safe to be here now.' 'Pawnee: Birthplace of Julia Roberts.' That was a lie; she sued, and so we had to change it. 'Pawnee: Home of the World Famous Julia Roberts lawsuit.' "Pawnee: Welcome, Taliban soldiers!' and finally, our current slogan: 'Pawnee: First in Friendship, Fourth in Obesity.'"
"...and you can quote me on that." - Leslie. "Oh, I'm actually gonna quote you on all of this, because it's a newspaper article." - Shauna.
"Ah, you are the person who's been emailing me about Twilight!" Leslie says to a man named Kelly Larsen. "I thought you would be younger....and a girl."
"He brought handcuffs with him! This whole thing was planned!" - Leslie complains to Ron and April. "I think it's kinda cool." - April. "It's not cool. It's trespassing, and that is breaking the rules. Cool people make the rules, not break the rules. And if those kids want you to break the rules, then they're not really your friends!" Leslie slips into Mom Mode. "Whoa...who are you even talking about?" April looks unsure whether to be amused or offended. "I don't know. But while we're on the subject, your friend Orin, with the long black nails and the cloak, he concerns me."
(Ron pulls out a hacksaw, Leslie dials security, Ben enters room and immediately looks alarmed. "Guys, can we push the meeting back an hour.....What is going on?" "Some guy handcuffed himself to a chair in my office because we won't put a copy of Twilight in the time capsule." - Leslie. "Damn it....again?"
"I didn't know what to do with these....I think they're gloves?" - Andy. "No, no, no! Those are sport sandals, and they're used for adventure racing. They perfectly contour to the human foot, and the human foot is the ultimate technology." - Chris. "Dude...that is the coolest sentence I've ever heard somebody talk."
"Hey, how about this headline: 'Parks Department Foiled by Pipe Dreams'!" - Shauna. "...That's an amazing headline, but please don't write that story..." - Leslie.
"You know, it's weird...I've been to a lot of towns...usually people don't care about anything. I mean, don't get me wrong, they're weirdos, but they're....weirdos that care." - Ben, about Pawnee.
Episode Four, "Ron and Tammy, Part 2".
"APRIL!" Chris hollers. She pokes her head in the doorway tentatively. "....Did you call me?" "I did! You have very good ears."
"Hey, I don't suppose you'd want to....move to Canada?" Wendy asks Ron, who thinks that's the most hilarious thing ever.
"Wendy's moving back to Canada. And I'd just taught her to whittle. She made me this tiny sharpened stick." - Ron. "I'm gonna tell you what I tell all my girlfriends when they get dumped: Men are dogs." "Thank you, Leslie. That does not apply to this situation. But thank you."
"I know Tammy seems scary, but really she's just a manipulative psychotic library-book-peddling sex-crazed she-demon." - Leslie.
(Interview segment with five police officers after Tammy Two slaps Ron.) "Basically what we have here is a dispute of a domestic nature-" "-White male, about 40, 45-" "Caucasian male, stocky build-" "approximately 5'10"-" "-verbal altercation transpired at approximately 8:55 p.m. with female unsub, appears to be slightly intoxicated, and claims to be an ex-spouse. Real piece of work." "Real piece of work." "Real piece of work." "Real piece of work."
"Ron. I love you like a brother, but right now, I hate you. Like, my actual brother, Levondrius. Who I hate." - Donna.
"Hi.Chris, uh...Ron Swanson has sent me over to deliver this document..." - Andy. Chris takes piece of paper and reads, "'To Whom It May Concern: Dear Chris, There is an emergency regarding the Parks Department and April may just be the only person that can help. I can't get into details because it's super-classified. Please release April back to us permanently. God Bless America. Love, Burt Macklin, FBI.'"
"Say no more. Leslie Knope gets all the favors she needs." - Chief Trumple. "Can I ask why?" - Ben. "Because she's the kind of person who uses favors to help other people."
Episode Five, "Media Blitz".
"I'm gonna type every word I know! Rectangle! America! Megaphone! Monday! Butthole!" - Ron, joyfully.
"You can't go to Indianapolis! There's gotta be something that I can do to convince you how much I care about you. Tell me your least favorite things to do everyday and I'll do them for a month." - Andy. "Fine. If you do everything I hate, for a month, then I might begin to think about the possibility of thinking about maybe staying." - April.
"No, I don't care about their relationship. I just don't want to lose April. I would never be able to find a worse assistant." - Ron.
"Okay, this next task is a school photography assignment....can you figure that out?" - Andy. "Hmm. 'Encapsulate the spirit of melancholy.' Easy." (Ron snatches up camera.) "Boom. Sad desk. Boom. A sad wall." (Andy stares at him.) "It's art. Anything is anything." "Boom. Sad floor." (Ron leaves his office, Andy inspects carpet.) "It does look kinda sad..."
(Everyone is berating Ben for falling apart on Perd Hapley's talk show once the "Mayor of Icetown" thing was brought up. Ben just looks miserable. So of course Ron snaps his picture.) "Sadness."
"Do you fish, April?" - Ron. "No. Fish are gross." "Let me give you a piece of fishing advice:" "I said I don't-"When you have a fish on the line, you don't just drag it behind the boat. You either reel it in, or you cut him loose. Specially if he's a nice fish, with a a big lovable fish heart." "You don't know what you're talking about." "Maybe not. Maybe you do really hate Andy. Maybe moving to Indianapolis just to get revenge on him is a really good idea. What do I know?"
"So....you're leaving soon." - Ann. "Yes, back to Indianapolis briefly, and then on to a little town called Snurling, Indiana, for several months." - Chris. "Never heard of it." "It's quite small. The cows outnumber the people forty to one. Sounds amazing." "...I like you a lot. I....I love spending time with you." "And I thoroughly enjoy you, Ann Perkins."
"Yeah, I just looked you up on Alta Vista, and the last seven towns you visited went bankrupt." - Caller on Pawnee Today to Ben. "Okay, first off, why does everyone in this town use Alta Vista? Is it....1997? And second, I am a budget specialist. I went to those towns because they were bankrupt, and now they aren't. And about Icetown; I was eighteen. Who doesn't do dumb stuff when they're eighteen?! Joan?" "I...stole my gym teacher's husband." (Ben blinks.) "So....there you go." "WELL! What else you got, callers?" - Leslie guides the conversation back on track.
Episode Six, "Indianapolis".
"I don't know! I guess we're dating? It's - whatever. I don't like labels. Go away!" April walks away from the interview instead, grinning.
"Okay, yeahh, that....might actually work." - Ben, on hearing one of Tom's terrible ideas.
"Is everything okay?" - April to Andy. "Um...it kinda sucks that I'm super broke. And I wanna buy you stuff and it's embarrassing that I can't." "I'm broke, too. And I don't want anything; I just wanna hang out with you. Plus I can get free drinks anytime I want." "You can? How?" "Uh....I'm a girl, in a sleazy club."
(Ron to Leslie, after she's been interrogating Chris about a pink razor in his bathroom.) "Did you forget how to have a conversation?"
"No, I'm not cheating on you. But I'm also not dating you....we broke up last week." -Chris to Ann.
"Yeah, so, here's what happened. Sweet and beautiful Ann has never been dumped before, and Chris is just such a positive person, when he broke up with her she just didn't realize it." - Leslie.
"Just..give me all the bacon and eggs that you have. Wait, wait. I worry what you just heard was 'Give me a lot of bacon and eggs'. What I said was, 'Give me all the bacon and eggs that you have.' Do you understand?" - Ron.
Episode Seven, "Harvest Festival".
"Ladies and gentlemen: The world-famous Li'l Sebastian!" - Leslie. "WHAT?" -Tom, everyone else goes berserk. "No way!" "That's awesome!", etc. "It's really him!" - Andy. "That's really Li'l Sebastian!" - Tom. "Oh my gosh!" "Take my picture with him!" - Andy. "Well done, Leslie. WELL DONE!" - Ron. "I'm sitting next to Li'l Sebastian right now. I'm here, and he's right there." - Tom. More marveling by everyone at the amazingness of this huge event. "Sooo.....what am I missing? What's so amazing about this pony?" Ben wonders. "He's not a pony, man! He's a mini horse. There's a big difference!" Tom snaps, offended. "Well, then, why is he so famous? ...Does he...does he do something? What does he do?" "YEAH. He does 'being a mini horse.' And he does it better than anyone," April says emphatically. "Son, this horse has an honorary degree from Notre Dame," Ron explains. More marveling; Leslie and Jerry remind everyone that he's 25 now, and suffering from a variety of ailments, including diabetes and cataracts. "Isn't it amazing?!" Leslie says for the millionth time. "Yeah....it's just - I don't get what the big deal is." - Ben. (He instantly gets death glares from everyone else.) "GET OUT." - Leslie.
"Li'l Sebastian made his debut at the last Harvest Festival in 1987. He was an instant phenomenon. That week, he was the eight-most photographed object in America." - Leslie.
A Pawnee citizen is trying to put her salad stand on Deep-Fried Buelevard, since there's so little chance to be healthy when it comes to Pawnee fast food. Leslie quickly nixes that idea. "Yeah, well, we're trying to make money, not make people hate themselves."
Ben is admiring Leslie's ability to get things done. In this case, meetings with citizens hoping to sell things at the Harvest Festival. With a huge goofy smile on his face - "Man, you are just knocking these off like a ninja....crossed with a Jedi or somethin'..." Tom, unmpressed - "You're like a nerd...mixed with a dork or somethin'..."
"There are two things that I know about white people: They love Rachael Ray, and they are terrified of curses." - Ken Hotate, chief of the Wamapoke Indian tribe.
"...Joan is always looking for a scandal. She's like an eagle-eyed tiger." - Leslie. "Eagle-Eyed Tiger! New band name! I call it!" - Andy.
"Hey....whatever happened with you and the Bionic Man?" - Donna. "Chris? He broke with me, but he did it so nicely that I didn't even realize he did it." - Ann.
Ben and Leslie are showing an unimpressed Joan Callamezzo around the Harvest Festival. "And over there we've got Li'l Sebastian," Leslie grins. "ARE YOU F------- KIDDING ME?!!!!!!!"All traces of Joan's personality are gone as she rushes with glee to get a better view.
"I swear, it's almost like they don't want you to win!" - Andy playing a ring-toss game. "Well....you better practice. You gotta win me a teddy bear." - April grins. "I'm gonna win you a million teddy bears." "Well, I want a billion teddy bears." "Well, that's a little unrealistic. This is a hard game. Two million." "Deal." They kiss. "Hey. I love you," she says.
"Um....this is bad, right?" - Ben. (Tom has just let Li'l Sebastian escape.) "Yes, this is bad. This is like - a poop tornado!" - Leslie. "Okay, gross, but we can work with this."
"Pawnee is an incredibly superstitious town. A traveling magician came through one time and he pulled a rabbit out of a hat, and the mob burned him at the stake for being a witch." - Leslie during interview segment. (Cut to mural of said witch-burning in mall parking lot.) "The year was 1973."
"You know where I would hide if I were a horse? The merry-go-round! Think about it. You could just stand still next to all the other horses and nobody would ever know!" - Andy.
"Okay, I'd like to start by addressing some of the FALSE rumors about the festival," Leslie talks with the media. "First of all we have plenty of food, there has been no food shortage. There are not, as one reporter suggested, dozens of escaped convicts roaming about the carnival. And at NO TIME was any Parks Department worker, quote, FEASTING ON PETTING-ZOO ANIMALS. Yes, Perd?" "Yes, uh, the statement that this reporter has is a question..."
Subtitles appear in as Ken does a tribal dance in front of the media while spouting Wamapoke gibberish: "I am not saying anything. Just making up words! No one can understand me anyway."
"It took us four hours to solve that corn maze, and it took the horse fifteen minutes. Jerry's still out there." - Ron. "I should probably go look for him....after I finish a bratwurst."
A hunky guy says he doesn't have Ann's phone number. "Um...yeah....that's because I didn't give it to you."
Episode Eight, "Camping".
"What portion of this camping trip will take place outside?" - April. "All of it!" - Leslie. "Pass." "Can't pass, it's a mandatory work retreat."
April walks up to Andy's shoeshine stand. "Hey, you gotta hear this hilarious story he was tellin' me! Go ahead, tell her what happened." "My identity was stolen." - Kyle.
"Well, we should catch up sometime." - Chris. "Yeah, we should ketchup and mustard." - Ann. "I relish your wit." (He leaves, to his retreating back) "Yeah, I....salsa...your face." She frowns at whatever that attempt at language was supposed to be.
"Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga, except I still get to kill something." - Ron, looking genuinely happy.
"I'll just take this spot on the floor here." - Ben, dropping his sleeping bag on some leaves. "It's called the ground when it's outside." - Ron.
"What did Jay-Z, Lil Wayne and Drake all have in common?" - Tom. "Oh, I know this one! They are all rappists." - Jerry.
"I don't even wanna be here. The air is too fresh, it's disgusting, I can't breathe! There's a brook somewhere that won't stop babbling. SHUT UP!" - April.
"Andy. You have to save me. I'm camping with people I work with." - April.
Jerry is worrying loudly about his daughter possibly being sexually active, distracting Ron from trying to fish. "You know what I ought to do? I ought to lead a teen abstinence workshop!" - Jerry. "That might be incredibly effective." - Ron.
"You know, I've never moved this slowly before. It's kind of like being stranded in quicksand." - Chris, walking through the woods at night with Ann.
The gang is now staying at a creepy old inn after the whole "camping" thing didn't work out. "Hey." - Ron. "Hey, can't sleep?" -Leslie. "No. My room is filled with cat hairs. And cat smell. And actual cats. Roughly twelve cats." "Mm. Sounds delightful." (Ron then locks Leslie in a closet to get her to stop thinking about work for a minute, since all episode she's been out of ideas. She wakes up with tons of ideas in the morning. Ron's an awesome boss.)
Episode One, "Go Big or Go Home".
"Ron. We're back!!!" - Leslie. "...Bully." - Ron.
"The bankrupt government of Pawnee has been shut down all summer, for the past three months it's been no work, no meetings, no late nights, no memos, nothing. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy." - Leslie.
"Apparently in Indiana, you have to provide a basketball league, 'cause if you don't people get very upset....and, quite frankly, throw things at you and call you names. Like 'Turd-Boy'. But, whatever - Point is, I reinstated youth basketball." - Ben. "This says here that there's only enough money for two teams?" - Leslie. "Yeah. They're gonna develop a great rivalry."
"Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys into men, from men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons. Behold: The Swanson Pyramid of Greatness." (Which consists of the following categories, in order from bottom, left to right: Frankness, Capitalism, Facial Hair, Living In the Woods, Rage, Security, Poise, Handshakes, Body Grooming on bottom row, Friends, Property Rights, Masonry, Cabins, Perspiration, You, Crying, Physical Fitness on the next-to-bottom row, Intensity, Torso, Old Wooden Sailing Ships, B.O., Stillness, Skim Milk, Cursing on next row, Cow Protein, Pig Protein, Chicken Protein, Romantic Love, Deer Protein, Fish on next row, Discipline, Attire, Self-Reliance, Suspicion, Skim Milk on next-highest row, Teamwork, Selfishness, Haircuts and Greatness Itself on the row above that, with Weapons, Woodworking and Welfare Avoidance next highest, America and Buffets are next to the top, with Honor as the peak.)
"Crying: Acceptable only at funerals and the Grand Canyon." - Ron explaining one of the categories of the Swanson Pyramid of Success.
"I'd say my coaching style is...centered around fundamentals. With an emphasis on 'FUN'!" - Andy. "And a second emphasis on 'mental'....Yeah, it can be hard, but every time one of these kids looks me in the eye and he calls me 'Coach,' that's how I know: I agreed to be a coach."
"I love dates. I love connecting with someone; I love engaging them, I love being surprised by them...I have never had a bad date. They've all been either great or phenomenally great!" - Chris
"So you asked him about the budget yet?" - Leslie, on phone. "Well, no; it's a little hard to bring up the Parks Department budget when you're talking about your favorite movies..." - Ann. "Jurassic Park; parks are so great; parks budget. There, I just did it for you in three moves." "Well....why don't you ask himself yourself, then?" (Leslie slams into Ann from nowhere.) "Okay, then! I will!" "Holy crap...."
(Wendy kisses Ron; Tom sees and blows his referee's whistle.) "That's a foul!" "What? On whom?" Coach Ron asks, irate. "On your team. On Number 50 over there. For double dribbling." "He's on defense!" "Exactly. That's a technical difficulty, so Andy's team gets to throw the ball from the stripey thing. Let's go!" (Ron, to himself.) "...'The stripey thing'?"
"That's a foul, for roughing the passer! That's a foul, for, uh....for touchin' the basketball!" -Tom
"I dedicate this win to April Ludgate, and it feels good! ...And it also feels sticky...you know, from the Gatorade." - Andy, after the 22-10 win for the Blue team over the Red.
"Leslie asked me to do her a favor, and I love her, so I did it. I'm sorry, and I'm here to eat crow. ...I like you a lot, so...let's go out again." - Ann to Chris.
Episode Two, "Flu Season".
"There is a crazy flu going around, so everyone is dehydrated and miserable, with a high fever and diarrhea. And one of those dehydrated, high-fevered, miserable people is April....who hates me." - Ann.
"I want a new nurse." - April. "...Well, there are none. We're stretched pretty thin right now." - Ann. "Then I want a janitor. They can do what you can, right?" "Yep....janitors and nurses are totally interchangeable..." "Except that nobody dresses up like a janitor on Halloween when they want to be slutty." "I get the sense that maybe you're mad at me for kissing Andy..." "No, I'm not! What are you talking about? That's crazy." "...and that you think it might be fun to take it out on me. Please don't do that." "'Do'? I can't do anything. I'm sick." (Ann turns to leave; immediately gets buzzed again.) "My blankets are on the floor," April scowls.
"....Sure. Anything for my favorite customer." - J.J. "Aw. I bet you say that to all the girls." - Leslie. "No, actually you are my favorite. You spent over a thousand dollars last year on waffles alone."
"Here." (Ron plunks grocery sack onto April's bed.) "I didn't know what to get you, so I just got some magazines and lipstick. Woman stuff." "Thanks. All my parents got me was that," she nods at enormous teddy bear. "Okayyyy. Well. I am not very good at visiting people in hospitals, so I'm going to go."
"The less I know about other people's affairs, the happier I am. I'm not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had! We still never talk sometimes." - Ron.
"My body is like a microchip, and the flu is like a grain of sand. It could literally take down the entire system." - Chris.
"We've been on a couple dates. I really like him. The problem is....he's like the perfect...human...man. I can't find one flaw! ...There was one time I thought he farted....but it was me..." - Ann, about Chris.
"Now, I know I'm not gonna find someone who's both aggressively mean and apathetic. April really is the whole package. But I think I know someone who will be just as uneffective...." - Ron.
"Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here, and it says you could have....'network connectivity problems.'" - Andy.
"104.1? Leslie, you're dehydrated. I'm admitting you." - Ann. "If I was sick, could I do this?" (She just sits there, eyes glassy. Ann and Ben stare.) "What are you doing?" - Ann. "Cartwheels. Am I not doing them?"
"It's not that I don't trust Ben...it's that I don't have faith in Ben...And also I'm starting to forget who 'Ben' is." - Leslie.
"I know what she's trying to do. She's tryin' to get me to break, and ya know what? I'm not gonna do it!" Ann smiles during an interview. "I'm gonna be professional, and I'm gonna put on a happy face, and then I'm gonna go into a supply closet and snap a bunch of tongue depressors!"
"I'll just go to Big Head Joe's. They have the most insane burritos." - Andy. "I don't go much for ethnic food." - Ron. "Trust me. They have something called the 'Meat Tornado', literally killed a guy last year." "You had me at 'Meat Tornado'." (Andy gallops off clumsily.)
"I bring a certain...panache and style to the spa experience for these guys. Before I joined, they were just three old white dudes quietly boiling alive in hot water." - Tom.
"I like Andy. I'm surrounded by a lot of women in this department. And that includes the men." - Ron.
"Hey April! I saw that you called for me. What can I do for you?" Ann asks mock-brightly. "I need more flu medicine." "...Oh. An actual request. ...Well, you can't have any. That stuff is powerful; so no extra doses." "I didn't take any...Leslie came in here and stole it and left." (Ann begins frantic search throughout hospital.)
"Okay, it's showtime," (Leslie, delirious, addresses wall.) "Good evening, all of you. I'm Leslie Monster, and this is Nightline." "Okayyy....I wouldn't open with that..." - Ben.
"Nothing like a complete physical breakdown to make a guy seem less intimidating. I love the flu!" - Ann, about Chris.
"Three....two....one....and my shift's over! WHAT THE F--- IS YOUR PROBLEM?!!!" - Ann. "Whoa...I thought you weren't gonna lose it?" April grins. "WHILE I WAS ON DUTY I DIDN'T! Now it's just me. I get that you're mad that I kissed Andy, okay? But it was a moment of confusion, and it was a mistake, and I'm very sorry. You wanna hate me forever?" "Okay." "Fine! You know what, I don't care! But you shouldn't take it out on Andy because he really likes you and he did nothing wrong! And just for the record, I'm starting to hate you, too!" (She storms out of room.) "That's the most I've ever liked Ann."
"That was amazing. That was...a flu-ridden Michael Jordan in the 1998 NBA Finals. That was....Kirk Gibson, hobbling up to the plate and hitting a home run off Dennis Eckersley. That was...." (Ben shakes his head in wonder.) "That was Leslie Knope."
(Andy kisses the sleeping April's forehead gently.) "Gross...your forehead's all sweaty. But I still like you anyway. Ew, that's disgusting...." (He walks out of her room, April opens her eyes and smiles in weary triumph.)
Episode Three, "Time Capsule".
(Leslie is reading every town slogan Pawnee has ever had.) "'Pawnee: The Paris of America.' 'Pawnee: The Akron of Southwest Indiana.' 'Pawnee: Welcome, German soldiers!' After the Nazis took France, our mayor kinda panicked. 'Pawnee: The Factory Fire Capital of America.' 'Pawnee: Welcome, Vietnamese soldiers!' 'Pawnee: Engage with Zorp!' For a brief time in the 70's, our town was taken over by a cult. 'Pawnee: Zorp is dead. Long live Zorp.' 'Pawnee: It's safe to be here now.' 'Pawnee: Birthplace of Julia Roberts.' That was a lie; she sued, and so we had to change it. 'Pawnee: Home of the World Famous Julia Roberts lawsuit.' "Pawnee: Welcome, Taliban soldiers!' and finally, our current slogan: 'Pawnee: First in Friendship, Fourth in Obesity.'"
"...and you can quote me on that." - Leslie. "Oh, I'm actually gonna quote you on all of this, because it's a newspaper article." - Shauna.
"Ah, you are the person who's been emailing me about Twilight!" Leslie says to a man named Kelly Larsen. "I thought you would be younger....and a girl."
"He brought handcuffs with him! This whole thing was planned!" - Leslie complains to Ron and April. "I think it's kinda cool." - April. "It's not cool. It's trespassing, and that is breaking the rules. Cool people make the rules, not break the rules. And if those kids want you to break the rules, then they're not really your friends!" Leslie slips into Mom Mode. "Whoa...who are you even talking about?" April looks unsure whether to be amused or offended. "I don't know. But while we're on the subject, your friend Orin, with the long black nails and the cloak, he concerns me."
(Ron pulls out a hacksaw, Leslie dials security, Ben enters room and immediately looks alarmed. "Guys, can we push the meeting back an hour.....What is going on?" "Some guy handcuffed himself to a chair in my office because we won't put a copy of Twilight in the time capsule." - Leslie. "Damn it....again?"
"I didn't know what to do with these....I think they're gloves?" - Andy. "No, no, no! Those are sport sandals, and they're used for adventure racing. They perfectly contour to the human foot, and the human foot is the ultimate technology." - Chris. "Dude...that is the coolest sentence I've ever heard somebody talk."
"Hey, how about this headline: 'Parks Department Foiled by Pipe Dreams'!" - Shauna. "...That's an amazing headline, but please don't write that story..." - Leslie.
"You know, it's weird...I've been to a lot of towns...usually people don't care about anything. I mean, don't get me wrong, they're weirdos, but they're....weirdos that care." - Ben, about Pawnee.
Episode Four, "Ron and Tammy, Part 2".
"APRIL!" Chris hollers. She pokes her head in the doorway tentatively. "....Did you call me?" "I did! You have very good ears."
"Hey, I don't suppose you'd want to....move to Canada?" Wendy asks Ron, who thinks that's the most hilarious thing ever.
"Wendy's moving back to Canada. And I'd just taught her to whittle. She made me this tiny sharpened stick." - Ron. "I'm gonna tell you what I tell all my girlfriends when they get dumped: Men are dogs." "Thank you, Leslie. That does not apply to this situation. But thank you."
"I know Tammy seems scary, but really she's just a manipulative psychotic library-book-peddling sex-crazed she-demon." - Leslie.
(Interview segment with five police officers after Tammy Two slaps Ron.) "Basically what we have here is a dispute of a domestic nature-" "-White male, about 40, 45-" "Caucasian male, stocky build-" "approximately 5'10"-" "-verbal altercation transpired at approximately 8:55 p.m. with female unsub, appears to be slightly intoxicated, and claims to be an ex-spouse. Real piece of work." "Real piece of work." "Real piece of work." "Real piece of work."
"Ron. I love you like a brother, but right now, I hate you. Like, my actual brother, Levondrius. Who I hate." - Donna.
"Hi.Chris, uh...Ron Swanson has sent me over to deliver this document..." - Andy. Chris takes piece of paper and reads, "'To Whom It May Concern: Dear Chris, There is an emergency regarding the Parks Department and April may just be the only person that can help. I can't get into details because it's super-classified. Please release April back to us permanently. God Bless America. Love, Burt Macklin, FBI.'"
"Say no more. Leslie Knope gets all the favors she needs." - Chief Trumple. "Can I ask why?" - Ben. "Because she's the kind of person who uses favors to help other people."
Episode Five, "Media Blitz".
"I'm gonna type every word I know! Rectangle! America! Megaphone! Monday! Butthole!" - Ron, joyfully.
"You can't go to Indianapolis! There's gotta be something that I can do to convince you how much I care about you. Tell me your least favorite things to do everyday and I'll do them for a month." - Andy. "Fine. If you do everything I hate, for a month, then I might begin to think about the possibility of thinking about maybe staying." - April.
"No, I don't care about their relationship. I just don't want to lose April. I would never be able to find a worse assistant." - Ron.
"Okay, this next task is a school photography assignment....can you figure that out?" - Andy. "Hmm. 'Encapsulate the spirit of melancholy.' Easy." (Ron snatches up camera.) "Boom. Sad desk. Boom. A sad wall." (Andy stares at him.) "It's art. Anything is anything." "Boom. Sad floor." (Ron leaves his office, Andy inspects carpet.) "It does look kinda sad..."
(Everyone is berating Ben for falling apart on Perd Hapley's talk show once the "Mayor of Icetown" thing was brought up. Ben just looks miserable. So of course Ron snaps his picture.) "Sadness."
"Do you fish, April?" - Ron. "No. Fish are gross." "Let me give you a piece of fishing advice:" "I said I don't-"When you have a fish on the line, you don't just drag it behind the boat. You either reel it in, or you cut him loose. Specially if he's a nice fish, with a a big lovable fish heart." "You don't know what you're talking about." "Maybe not. Maybe you do really hate Andy. Maybe moving to Indianapolis just to get revenge on him is a really good idea. What do I know?"
"So....you're leaving soon." - Ann. "Yes, back to Indianapolis briefly, and then on to a little town called Snurling, Indiana, for several months." - Chris. "Never heard of it." "It's quite small. The cows outnumber the people forty to one. Sounds amazing." "...I like you a lot. I....I love spending time with you." "And I thoroughly enjoy you, Ann Perkins."
"Yeah, I just looked you up on Alta Vista, and the last seven towns you visited went bankrupt." - Caller on Pawnee Today to Ben. "Okay, first off, why does everyone in this town use Alta Vista? Is it....1997? And second, I am a budget specialist. I went to those towns because they were bankrupt, and now they aren't. And about Icetown; I was eighteen. Who doesn't do dumb stuff when they're eighteen?! Joan?" "I...stole my gym teacher's husband." (Ben blinks.) "So....there you go." "WELL! What else you got, callers?" - Leslie guides the conversation back on track.
Episode Six, "Indianapolis".
"I don't know! I guess we're dating? It's - whatever. I don't like labels. Go away!" April walks away from the interview instead, grinning.
"Okay, yeahh, that....might actually work." - Ben, on hearing one of Tom's terrible ideas.
"Is everything okay?" - April to Andy. "Um...it kinda sucks that I'm super broke. And I wanna buy you stuff and it's embarrassing that I can't." "I'm broke, too. And I don't want anything; I just wanna hang out with you. Plus I can get free drinks anytime I want." "You can? How?" "Uh....I'm a girl, in a sleazy club."
(Ron to Leslie, after she's been interrogating Chris about a pink razor in his bathroom.) "Did you forget how to have a conversation?"
"No, I'm not cheating on you. But I'm also not dating you....we broke up last week." -Chris to Ann.
"Yeah, so, here's what happened. Sweet and beautiful Ann has never been dumped before, and Chris is just such a positive person, when he broke up with her she just didn't realize it." - Leslie.
"Just..give me all the bacon and eggs that you have. Wait, wait. I worry what you just heard was 'Give me a lot of bacon and eggs'. What I said was, 'Give me all the bacon and eggs that you have.' Do you understand?" - Ron.
Episode Seven, "Harvest Festival".
"Ladies and gentlemen: The world-famous Li'l Sebastian!" - Leslie. "WHAT?" -Tom, everyone else goes berserk. "No way!" "That's awesome!", etc. "It's really him!" - Andy. "That's really Li'l Sebastian!" - Tom. "Oh my gosh!" "Take my picture with him!" - Andy. "Well done, Leslie. WELL DONE!" - Ron. "I'm sitting next to Li'l Sebastian right now. I'm here, and he's right there." - Tom. More marveling by everyone at the amazingness of this huge event. "Sooo.....what am I missing? What's so amazing about this pony?" Ben wonders. "He's not a pony, man! He's a mini horse. There's a big difference!" Tom snaps, offended. "Well, then, why is he so famous? ...Does he...does he do something? What does he do?" "YEAH. He does 'being a mini horse.' And he does it better than anyone," April says emphatically. "Son, this horse has an honorary degree from Notre Dame," Ron explains. More marveling; Leslie and Jerry remind everyone that he's 25 now, and suffering from a variety of ailments, including diabetes and cataracts. "Isn't it amazing?!" Leslie says for the millionth time. "Yeah....it's just - I don't get what the big deal is." - Ben. (He instantly gets death glares from everyone else.) "GET OUT." - Leslie.
"Li'l Sebastian made his debut at the last Harvest Festival in 1987. He was an instant phenomenon. That week, he was the eight-most photographed object in America." - Leslie.
A Pawnee citizen is trying to put her salad stand on Deep-Fried Buelevard, since there's so little chance to be healthy when it comes to Pawnee fast food. Leslie quickly nixes that idea. "Yeah, well, we're trying to make money, not make people hate themselves."
Ben is admiring Leslie's ability to get things done. In this case, meetings with citizens hoping to sell things at the Harvest Festival. With a huge goofy smile on his face - "Man, you are just knocking these off like a ninja....crossed with a Jedi or somethin'..." Tom, unmpressed - "You're like a nerd...mixed with a dork or somethin'..."
"There are two things that I know about white people: They love Rachael Ray, and they are terrified of curses." - Ken Hotate, chief of the Wamapoke Indian tribe.
"...Joan is always looking for a scandal. She's like an eagle-eyed tiger." - Leslie. "Eagle-Eyed Tiger! New band name! I call it!" - Andy.
"Hey....whatever happened with you and the Bionic Man?" - Donna. "Chris? He broke with me, but he did it so nicely that I didn't even realize he did it." - Ann.
Ben and Leslie are showing an unimpressed Joan Callamezzo around the Harvest Festival. "And over there we've got Li'l Sebastian," Leslie grins. "ARE YOU F------- KIDDING ME?!!!!!!!"All traces of Joan's personality are gone as she rushes with glee to get a better view.
"I swear, it's almost like they don't want you to win!" - Andy playing a ring-toss game. "Well....you better practice. You gotta win me a teddy bear." - April grins. "I'm gonna win you a million teddy bears." "Well, I want a billion teddy bears." "Well, that's a little unrealistic. This is a hard game. Two million." "Deal." They kiss. "Hey. I love you," she says.
"Um....this is bad, right?" - Ben. (Tom has just let Li'l Sebastian escape.) "Yes, this is bad. This is like - a poop tornado!" - Leslie. "Okay, gross, but we can work with this."
"Pawnee is an incredibly superstitious town. A traveling magician came through one time and he pulled a rabbit out of a hat, and the mob burned him at the stake for being a witch." - Leslie during interview segment. (Cut to mural of said witch-burning in mall parking lot.) "The year was 1973."
"You know where I would hide if I were a horse? The merry-go-round! Think about it. You could just stand still next to all the other horses and nobody would ever know!" - Andy.
"Okay, I'd like to start by addressing some of the FALSE rumors about the festival," Leslie talks with the media. "First of all we have plenty of food, there has been no food shortage. There are not, as one reporter suggested, dozens of escaped convicts roaming about the carnival. And at NO TIME was any Parks Department worker, quote, FEASTING ON PETTING-ZOO ANIMALS. Yes, Perd?" "Yes, uh, the statement that this reporter has is a question..."
Subtitles appear in as Ken does a tribal dance in front of the media while spouting Wamapoke gibberish: "I am not saying anything. Just making up words! No one can understand me anyway."
"It took us four hours to solve that corn maze, and it took the horse fifteen minutes. Jerry's still out there." - Ron. "I should probably go look for him....after I finish a bratwurst."
A hunky guy says he doesn't have Ann's phone number. "Um...yeah....that's because I didn't give it to you."
Episode Eight, "Camping".
"What portion of this camping trip will take place outside?" - April. "All of it!" - Leslie. "Pass." "Can't pass, it's a mandatory work retreat."
April walks up to Andy's shoeshine stand. "Hey, you gotta hear this hilarious story he was tellin' me! Go ahead, tell her what happened." "My identity was stolen." - Kyle.
"Well, we should catch up sometime." - Chris. "Yeah, we should ketchup and mustard." - Ann. "I relish your wit." (He leaves, to his retreating back) "Yeah, I....salsa...your face." She frowns at whatever that attempt at language was supposed to be.
"Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga, except I still get to kill something." - Ron, looking genuinely happy.
"I'll just take this spot on the floor here." - Ben, dropping his sleeping bag on some leaves. "It's called the ground when it's outside." - Ron.
"What did Jay-Z, Lil Wayne and Drake all have in common?" - Tom. "Oh, I know this one! They are all rappists." - Jerry.
"I don't even wanna be here. The air is too fresh, it's disgusting, I can't breathe! There's a brook somewhere that won't stop babbling. SHUT UP!" - April.
"Andy. You have to save me. I'm camping with people I work with." - April.
Jerry is worrying loudly about his daughter possibly being sexually active, distracting Ron from trying to fish. "You know what I ought to do? I ought to lead a teen abstinence workshop!" - Jerry. "That might be incredibly effective." - Ron.
"You know, I've never moved this slowly before. It's kind of like being stranded in quicksand." - Chris, walking through the woods at night with Ann.
The gang is now staying at a creepy old inn after the whole "camping" thing didn't work out. "Hey." - Ron. "Hey, can't sleep?" -Leslie. "No. My room is filled with cat hairs. And cat smell. And actual cats. Roughly twelve cats." "Mm. Sounds delightful." (Ron then locks Leslie in a closet to get her to stop thinking about work for a minute, since all episode she's been out of ideas. She wakes up with tons of ideas in the morning. Ron's an awesome boss.)
Twitter Personality Test
The folks behind the "You Are What You Like" website have done it again and created a website algorithm thing that analyzes your personality based on your Tweets. (AnalyzeWords.com)
Based on the last six weeks' worth of updates(I don't post often, except when Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. is on), under "Emotional Styles" I got the following results: Average amounts of Anger(55) and Depression(55), High marks for being both Upbeat(78) and Worried(67). Under "Social Styles" I got an Average rating for being Socially Engaged56), Very High marks for being Personable(87), and High grades as I am apparently both Arrogant or Distant(75) and a Spacey/Valley Girl type(71). In "Thinking Styles" I scored Very High as an Analytic(91) and Sensory(86) type, with a High level of being In the Moment(63).
Now, what did they mean by these categories?
Upbeat was defined as "Lots of positive words and 'we' talk. You've got energy, kid, if you're ranked as 'upbeat'!" So basically a team-centered approach, I think. Comm classes would label it other-orientation.
Worried was labeled "Anxious language dominates your tweets, as do nervous questions." That's about right.
Anger had the following comment: "Short of constantly writing in all caps, someone high in the 'angry' category uses hostile words and talks a lot at YOU."
Depressed was labeled "Sad, melancholy, inward-looking. Lots of self-references and frequent depressive words." What is meant by "depressive words", I wonder?
Also, I've got four of Riley's five emotions interacting there....(Joy, Fear, Anger and Sadness) Disgust was too polite to show up.
Plugged In meant "Socially engaged. An area reserved for prolific tweeters; you scored high if you used a word like 'PARTY!' or sent a lot of shoutouts to friends." Most of my tweets are replies to something somebody else said, so that makes sense.
Personable was labeled "Engaged in other people's well-being and at peace with expressing your own uncertainty with the world. High scorers in personability use positive emotion words, ask questions, express their own ambivalence and reference others frequently." Yep.
Arrogant/Distant had this description: "Well-read and smart with an arms-length approach to socializing. You scored high in this category if you discuss actions instead of emotions, use big words and don't reference yourself much." YES.
Spacey/Valley Girl was funny in a worrying sort of way, but the description made more sense once I'd read it: "Excitable! If you rank high as a Valley Girl, you love recounting your latest story with a lot of 'LOL!!!!!!'" Not really.....but I do get really emotional while watching Agents, so that's probably where that came from. But I do say pop-culturally I was totally born in the wrong decade. Like, totally.
Analytic was tagged "If law school exams were a person, they would rank really high in this category. Ample large words and phrases that include complex thinking styles. (E.g. "If'...'but not')" That was the best description they could come up with?
Sensory was described with "A tendency to reference your feelings and surrounding environment." That sounds about right. It then says it's a "Northern California" approach to tweeting, whatever that means.
In-the-Moment is "Grounded in what's hot now, with tweets that breezily reference today's topics."
Seems fairly accurate for my I(N/S)FJ self. Follow me if you want:@CoburnWesley
Based on the last six weeks' worth of updates(I don't post often, except when Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. is on), under "Emotional Styles" I got the following results: Average amounts of Anger(55) and Depression(55), High marks for being both Upbeat(78) and Worried(67). Under "Social Styles" I got an Average rating for being Socially Engaged56), Very High marks for being Personable(87), and High grades as I am apparently both Arrogant or Distant(75) and a Spacey/Valley Girl type(71). In "Thinking Styles" I scored Very High as an Analytic(91) and Sensory(86) type, with a High level of being In the Moment(63).
Now, what did they mean by these categories?
Upbeat was defined as "Lots of positive words and 'we' talk. You've got energy, kid, if you're ranked as 'upbeat'!" So basically a team-centered approach, I think. Comm classes would label it other-orientation.
Worried was labeled "Anxious language dominates your tweets, as do nervous questions." That's about right.
Anger had the following comment: "Short of constantly writing in all caps, someone high in the 'angry' category uses hostile words and talks a lot at YOU."
Depressed was labeled "Sad, melancholy, inward-looking. Lots of self-references and frequent depressive words." What is meant by "depressive words", I wonder?
Also, I've got four of Riley's five emotions interacting there....(Joy, Fear, Anger and Sadness) Disgust was too polite to show up.
Plugged In meant "Socially engaged. An area reserved for prolific tweeters; you scored high if you used a word like 'PARTY!' or sent a lot of shoutouts to friends." Most of my tweets are replies to something somebody else said, so that makes sense.
Personable was labeled "Engaged in other people's well-being and at peace with expressing your own uncertainty with the world. High scorers in personability use positive emotion words, ask questions, express their own ambivalence and reference others frequently." Yep.
Arrogant/Distant had this description: "Well-read and smart with an arms-length approach to socializing. You scored high in this category if you discuss actions instead of emotions, use big words and don't reference yourself much." YES.
Spacey/Valley Girl was funny in a worrying sort of way, but the description made more sense once I'd read it: "Excitable! If you rank high as a Valley Girl, you love recounting your latest story with a lot of 'LOL!!!!!!'" Not really.....but I do get really emotional while watching Agents, so that's probably where that came from. But I do say pop-culturally I was totally born in the wrong decade. Like, totally.
Analytic was tagged "If law school exams were a person, they would rank really high in this category. Ample large words and phrases that include complex thinking styles. (E.g. "If'...'but not')" That was the best description they could come up with?
Sensory was described with "A tendency to reference your feelings and surrounding environment." That sounds about right. It then says it's a "Northern California" approach to tweeting, whatever that means.
In-the-Moment is "Grounded in what's hot now, with tweets that breezily reference today's topics."
Seems fairly accurate for my I(N/S)FJ self. Follow me if you want:
Saturday, December 5, 2015
Overheard in the Classroom
Classrooms are in theory where learning happens. In practice, usually it's more exploring rabbit trails on unusual, bizarre or arcane topics. Which usually lead to interesting soundbites, most of which aren't worth printing. But these were humorous quips from Rogers State University's Baird Hall in 2015. (Seriously, every single class was in the same building.)
2-18 Media Law
Dr. Blakely - "So, flag-burning is considered symbolic speech. But let's say you were burning something else, to intimidate someone. Like what could that be?"
Random Person, completely serious - "People?"
"Uh....yeah. Yeah, that would be very intimidating. But that wasn't what I was thinking of."
2-18 Media Law
Dr. Blakely - "Let's pretend that Margo works for me, and I am going to fire you. Because you're black. Would that be allowed? And I'm not just firing her because she's black; she's also pregnant! And a woman!" (He does double-take.) "...Well, if she's pregnant she's obviously a woman, but..."
8-18 Poetry Writing
Jalexa - "Sorry I'm late, I was waiting on the damn trains..." This became a class punchline, because the trains in downtown Claremore cause so many traffic jams.
8-20 American Lit
We start the school year off with a very quiet girl named Amanda giving the class a step-by-step explication on hangings, explaining exactly how someone dies from the process. It was very informative, and set the tone for a lot of discussions to follow.
8-20 Poetry Writing
I can't remember if this was something somebody mentioned as really happened or not, but it would make for a great scene: Soldiers being shot at during a battle sing Taylor Swift tunes to calm their nerves. Most of discussion was about complaining about politics and debating tattoos.
Dr. Mackie - "Anyone going through a 'what the hell am I doing?' phase in their life needs to be an English major. It's a requirement."
8-21 Literary Traditions
Dr. Dial-Driver - "'Oh'? Very useful little syllable, that 'oh' is."
8-21 Lit Traditions
Taylor Nicole - "I'm allergic to chocolate."
Dr. Dial-Driver, not hearing correctly - "Your mother did what?!!"
She never said anything in class except for this and one other time, so no one actually knew what her name was. It might have been Taylor, might have been Nicole, might have been something else.
8-25 Poetry Writing
(While we're talking about what poets we're familiar with that we might want to consider using as mentors in guiding our own work) Brandon - "I find myself reading a lot of Eliot, Plath and Ginsburg."
Dr. Mackie (scowling during response) - "We need some lighter poets, honey."
8-26 Shakespeare
Dr. Ford - "You can't surf a lake." (I don't remember what the context was for why he said that, but it was funny.)
9-4 Lit Traditions
Dr. Dial-Driver - "Don't fall in a silo, people. You'll drown in grain." (I have no idea what the context was that this was said in, but it was weird enough to make the margins of my notebook. Also, when she married her husband, their first address was a tiny apartment in Maryland somewhere on Spotted Pony Road. I wrote that down to use in a story at some point because I loved the street name.)
9-4 Lit Traditions
Zach - "I'm fascinated by people."
Dr. Dial-Driver - "I'm appalled by people."
9-8 Poetry Writing
Catee, while talking about one of her first poems - "It was hard to get started...I was just staring at the blank page going 'SHIT'..." Chorus of loud agreement immediately followed, because there's a lot of that when it comes to writing.
9-9 Shakespeare
Madison to Kenzie - "Sorry. I meant to sound friendly, but on the inside I'm murderous."
Jaisey, in response to Dr. Ford's roll-call question of the day - "I ate good food." "Like what?" "Um...." (she thinks a minute, we wait in suspense) "Potatoes."
9-10 American Lit
We're all complaining about how the classroom is an icebox. Somebody blames Madison for cranking the A/C so low, since she's not in the room to defend herself. Jeff - "She ate a furnace as a child." When I reported this to her several hours later, she nods in agreement after thinking it over. "That's probably true."
9-10 Poetry Writing
While workshopping Madison's pantoum about collecting postcards, Jalexa offers her take on the poem: "I though it was about a narrator who intercepts people's mail and never gives it back." This was decided to be a much more entertaining interpretation.
9-15 American Lit
(Kenzie has been sent across the room to adjust the thermostat.) Dr. Mackie - "It doesn't have to be Madison cold-"
Kenzie - "I can't do Madison cold!"
Dr. Mackie - "Nobody can."
9-15 Poetry Writing
Dr. Mackie - "For the record, Criminal Minds is NOT one to binge watch...."
9-17 Poetry Writing
Jeff, to Dr. Mackie - "Did you just say that my thoughts 'piss all over the place'?" (Wouldn't put it past her...)
Catee, explaining about her pantoum - "I just wanted to write a note that was kind of experimenting; it was written while babysitting a two-year-old with the patience of a goldfish, so that's what it's about."
9-18 Lit Traditions
Dr. Dial-Driver - "...the mouse ran across the floor in the living room, and I teleported onto the couch."
9-18 Lit Traditions
We're all horrified by the actions of the narrator in Edgar Allan Poe's short story "The Black Cat", all shouting loudly and passionately. Dr. Dial-Driver breaks in with "But he also murdered his wife! Doesn't that count as evil, too?" Several of Us at Once - "WE DON'T CARE he murdered his wife! HE MURDERED CATS!!!!" "....I don't know whether to be worried or laugh that you guys are saying that....this is probably why 8:30 classes are a bad idea."
9-22 Poetry Writing
Erin starts on one of her "What planet is she from?" rants, praising Emily Bronte, when Dr. Mackie interrupts and is literally SHOUTING in order to describe the awfulness of Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights and the terribleness of that odious book in general. It was awesome.
9-23 Shakespeare
Dr. Ford to Jeff - "Why do you say 'sopapilla' like you're Italian?"
9-24 Poetry Writing
Random Person - "Do you want us to hand in our journals?" Dr. Mackie - "Oh, sh...- I gave y'all journals?!" "That's what we said while writing them." "But I'm not done grading all those massive ones from American Lit yet!"
9-25 Lit Traditions
Dr. Dial-Driver - "My husband is allergic to bare surfaces." (What a terrific description!)
Madison - "...and he was married in an unmarked grave, though....!" (She does double take.) "Uh....'buried' in an unmarked grave, I meant..."
9-25 American Lit
Dr. Mackie to herself - "...Teach a class at 8:30, they said...it'll be fun, they said..."
9-28 Shakespeare
Meaning to use the word "volume" in her sentence, Aubrey uses the word "temperature" instead. It made a very funny sentence, whatever it was.
10-1 Poetry Writing
Brandon, trying to defend his (correct) interpretation of a passage in Jeff's poem - "I don't know....maybe because I naturally always go to suicide..." (Nervous laughter in agreement from class here.) Also, we all agreed that Jeff needs to read audiobooks.
10-7 Shakespeare
Dr. Ford, on a complicated bit of Romeo and Juliet nobody can understand, even with the footnotes in the textbook: "Okay, we know by know that Shakespeare was a pretty dirty writer. yeah?" Chuckles of agreement heard throughout the room. "Well, no one knows exactly what this part's supposed to mean, but we think it's pretty bad. But nobody knows, so we just assume that he's talking about sex here."
Aubrey - "How does Father Laurence know the potion works for 42 hours?" Madison replies that he must have practiced on other subjects before; we all wonder why Shakespeare picked out such a weird time for it to work.
10-8 Poetry Writing
Someone once heard of these black twins named La-Dash-A and La-Space-A. We also thoroughly discussed spelunking and traveled back to Elizabethan England. It was a really strange day.
10-9 Lit Traditions
Apparently concrete heats up as it dries. Weird fact of the day.
10-13 Poetry Writing
Dr. Mackie, frustrated - "I'm trying to help you guys understand meter, but I've just always gotten it. It's just clicked. And it either does or it doesn't....I don't know how to help you all."
Random Person - "Seriously? You understand iambics?"
Jalexa - "Yeah, she's the Pentameter Goddess."
10-16 Lit Traditions
While we're marveling at high school pregnancies and trying to think of solutions, Zach remembers a girl he knew who used a water bottle to fake her water breaking in order to get out of geometry class. We also talked for some length about dogs, the evilness of snakes and spiders, smoking cigarettes and Muggsey Bogues.
10-19 Shakespeare
Today's roll-call question was what we did over the weekend. Bryce - "Well....I helped my girlfriend with a garage sale, but nobody came." "Why not?" "Because the county mowed down all the signs we'd made."
10-21 Shakespeare
Jeff, as the Ghost, reveals that Claudio killed him in order to seize the throne. Hayden, as Hamlet, reads his lines in a bored monotone with zero emotion. After they were done, Dr. Ford to Hayden - "Your father is telling you he was murdered. Might wanna react to that."
10-28 Shakespeare
Dr. Ford - "...You guys know about circumcision, right?" (Everyone looks extremely alarmed and uncomfortable. Thankfully the subject is changed very quickly.)
10-29 Poetry Writing
Dr. Mackie - "Jeff. Start speaking." "Well, I really like dirty poems-" "Jeff. Stop speaking."
Dr. Mackie - "For the record, old people can be lustful, too!" (Several of us immediately call that TMI and go as quickly as we can to any other subject.)
Jeff - "I don't get much of a scent - what am I saying? A 'sense' of madness in this!" (This was just a very weird day. We spent a long time arguing over which would better survive a nuclear bomb: cockroaches or Twinkies.)
11-4 Shakespeare
While answering the roll-call question of worst haircuts we ever had, some girl mentions that lemon juice on hair in the sunlight works as a natural highlight/bleach mixture in order to go blonde.
Dr. Ford - "So, they say absolute power corrupts....what did they do wrong?" (Talking of Macbeth and his wife.) Nobody knows quite how to answer that, until Aubrey speaks up: "....Murder?"
11-5 Poetry Writing
We learned that Dr. Mackie has four degrees and she has never once read Moby Dick. That is amazing. And really cool. (And eventually I'm gonna get past the first page...)
Jalexa - "Are murders happening? 'Cause they should. ...I mean, in the poem, they should." (This is possibly my favorite quote overheard this year.)
11-10 Poetry Writing
Somebody says about my villanelle, "It was comfortable, like a pair of old pajamas." Most of the critiques I got were like that; I couldn't decide whether they were supposed to be compliments or insults.
11-12 Poetry Writing
Dr. Mackie to Jeff - "I'm not saying you're pond scum."
Jeff, talking about Jalexa's free-verse poem - "It helps if you read it like Dracula."
11-13 Lit Traditions
While we're debating the best foods to eat on Thanksgiving, Taylor Nicole(who never says anything ever) asks completely seriously, "What is pumpkin pie? I've never heard of it." Also, apparently Wal-Mart price-matching can be combined with coupons in order to get even more savings.
11-20 Lit Tradtions
Dr. Dial-Driver, to Ray - "Write faster." "Okay, but I need to think faster." "I don't care if you think, I just want you to turn in something written!"
11-19 Poetry Writing
Catee - "I say fat is evidence that you found good food." Deena - "Well, I've found a lot more satisfaction in pizza than I have in men."
Dr. Mackie - "Does anyone else have that little shoulder angel whispering in your ear, 'You're a dumbass...'?"
Deena, joyfully, after finally mastering some writing technique - "I learned something in this class!" Kenzie in extremely bright and cheerful little-girl voice - "It's cool to know shit!"
11-20 Lit Traditions
Catee - "My dog loves to swim, but he hates baths. It's like trying to bathe a hurricane."
11-24 American Lit
Interrupting her own lecture, Dr. Mackie to Jeff - "What are you doing?" "I have Pop-Tart stuck in my wisdom tooth." (Impressive pause) "Well, that sucks."
11-24 Poetry Writing
In today's miscellanous arguments/discussion/rants: Arguing on Facebook, yoga pants, body image, how awful DW was on Arthur, how wonderful Audrey Hepburn was
12-1 Poetry Writing
Dr. Mackie - "My second son wanted to hunt down E.B. White and kill him."
Loud chorus of incredulous "Why???!!!"
"Because Charlotte died." (Stunned silence.)
Jalexa, after a minute - "That's....beautiful..."
12-1 Poetry Writing
Snorts of derision at seeing a PowerPoint presentation about Robert Frost headlined "Bob Frost". Dr. Mackie to Donna - "You're on a first-name basis with him?" It was one of the worst presentations I've ever seen.
12-2 Shakespeare
The last day of class, so Dr. Ford hands out the evaluations, leaves, and doesn't come back for a full half hour. That was weird. So people insulted each other to pass the time.
Bryce - "Kenzie's just a big ball of sass." Jeff - "I thought you said 'ass", and I was gonna be like-" Catee pounces on this - "Nope, that's you!"
After Dr. Ford returns, Jeff literally breaks the wall-partition. He is given a hard time by everyone.
Jeff - "I liked Jacques [from As You Like It] as a character because he's a melancholic jerk. I can kind of relate to that."
I apparently cannot pronounce "apocalyptic"....
12-5 Poetry Writing
Cody - "I'm distracted because Wesley isn't drinking a Diet Coke today."
Madison, snarkily - "You've memorized what he drinks?"
"Well, yeah. He drinks one every day. But today it's a Coke Zero."
2-18 Media Law
Dr. Blakely - "So, flag-burning is considered symbolic speech. But let's say you were burning something else, to intimidate someone. Like what could that be?"
Random Person, completely serious - "People?"
"Uh....yeah. Yeah, that would be very intimidating. But that wasn't what I was thinking of."
2-18 Media Law
Dr. Blakely - "Let's pretend that Margo works for me, and I am going to fire you. Because you're black. Would that be allowed? And I'm not just firing her because she's black; she's also pregnant! And a woman!" (He does double-take.) "...Well, if she's pregnant she's obviously a woman, but..."
8-18 Poetry Writing
Jalexa - "Sorry I'm late, I was waiting on the damn trains..." This became a class punchline, because the trains in downtown Claremore cause so many traffic jams.
8-20 American Lit
We start the school year off with a very quiet girl named Amanda giving the class a step-by-step explication on hangings, explaining exactly how someone dies from the process. It was very informative, and set the tone for a lot of discussions to follow.
8-20 Poetry Writing
I can't remember if this was something somebody mentioned as really happened or not, but it would make for a great scene: Soldiers being shot at during a battle sing Taylor Swift tunes to calm their nerves. Most of discussion was about complaining about politics and debating tattoos.
Dr. Mackie - "Anyone going through a 'what the hell am I doing?' phase in their life needs to be an English major. It's a requirement."
8-21 Literary Traditions
Dr. Dial-Driver - "'Oh'? Very useful little syllable, that 'oh' is."
8-21 Lit Traditions
Taylor Nicole - "I'm allergic to chocolate."
Dr. Dial-Driver, not hearing correctly - "Your mother did what?!!"
She never said anything in class except for this and one other time, so no one actually knew what her name was. It might have been Taylor, might have been Nicole, might have been something else.
8-25 Poetry Writing
(While we're talking about what poets we're familiar with that we might want to consider using as mentors in guiding our own work) Brandon - "I find myself reading a lot of Eliot, Plath and Ginsburg."
Dr. Mackie (scowling during response) - "We need some lighter poets, honey."
8-26 Shakespeare
Dr. Ford - "You can't surf a lake." (I don't remember what the context was for why he said that, but it was funny.)
9-4 Lit Traditions
Dr. Dial-Driver - "Don't fall in a silo, people. You'll drown in grain." (I have no idea what the context was that this was said in, but it was weird enough to make the margins of my notebook. Also, when she married her husband, their first address was a tiny apartment in Maryland somewhere on Spotted Pony Road. I wrote that down to use in a story at some point because I loved the street name.)
9-4 Lit Traditions
Zach - "I'm fascinated by people."
Dr. Dial-Driver - "I'm appalled by people."
9-8 Poetry Writing
Catee, while talking about one of her first poems - "It was hard to get started...I was just staring at the blank page going 'SHIT'..." Chorus of loud agreement immediately followed, because there's a lot of that when it comes to writing.
9-9 Shakespeare
Madison to Kenzie - "Sorry. I meant to sound friendly, but on the inside I'm murderous."
Jaisey, in response to Dr. Ford's roll-call question of the day - "I ate good food." "Like what?" "Um...." (she thinks a minute, we wait in suspense) "Potatoes."
9-10 American Lit
We're all complaining about how the classroom is an icebox. Somebody blames Madison for cranking the A/C so low, since she's not in the room to defend herself. Jeff - "She ate a furnace as a child." When I reported this to her several hours later, she nods in agreement after thinking it over. "That's probably true."
9-10 Poetry Writing
While workshopping Madison's pantoum about collecting postcards, Jalexa offers her take on the poem: "I though it was about a narrator who intercepts people's mail and never gives it back." This was decided to be a much more entertaining interpretation.
9-15 American Lit
(Kenzie has been sent across the room to adjust the thermostat.) Dr. Mackie - "It doesn't have to be Madison cold-"
Kenzie - "I can't do Madison cold!"
Dr. Mackie - "Nobody can."
9-15 Poetry Writing
Dr. Mackie - "For the record, Criminal Minds is NOT one to binge watch...."
9-17 Poetry Writing
Jeff, to Dr. Mackie - "Did you just say that my thoughts 'piss all over the place'?" (Wouldn't put it past her...)
Catee, explaining about her pantoum - "I just wanted to write a note that was kind of experimenting; it was written while babysitting a two-year-old with the patience of a goldfish, so that's what it's about."
9-18 Lit Traditions
Dr. Dial-Driver - "...the mouse ran across the floor in the living room, and I teleported onto the couch."
9-18 Lit Traditions
We're all horrified by the actions of the narrator in Edgar Allan Poe's short story "The Black Cat", all shouting loudly and passionately. Dr. Dial-Driver breaks in with "But he also murdered his wife! Doesn't that count as evil, too?" Several of Us at Once - "WE DON'T CARE he murdered his wife! HE MURDERED CATS!!!!" "....I don't know whether to be worried or laugh that you guys are saying that....this is probably why 8:30 classes are a bad idea."
9-22 Poetry Writing
Erin starts on one of her "What planet is she from?" rants, praising Emily Bronte, when Dr. Mackie interrupts and is literally SHOUTING in order to describe the awfulness of Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights and the terribleness of that odious book in general. It was awesome.
9-23 Shakespeare
Dr. Ford to Jeff - "Why do you say 'sopapilla' like you're Italian?"
9-24 Poetry Writing
Random Person - "Do you want us to hand in our journals?" Dr. Mackie - "Oh, sh...- I gave y'all journals?!" "That's what we said while writing them." "But I'm not done grading all those massive ones from American Lit yet!"
9-25 Lit Traditions
Dr. Dial-Driver - "My husband is allergic to bare surfaces." (What a terrific description!)
Madison - "...and he was married in an unmarked grave, though....!" (She does double take.) "Uh....'buried' in an unmarked grave, I meant..."
9-25 American Lit
Dr. Mackie to herself - "...Teach a class at 8:30, they said...it'll be fun, they said..."
9-28 Shakespeare
Meaning to use the word "volume" in her sentence, Aubrey uses the word "temperature" instead. It made a very funny sentence, whatever it was.
10-1 Poetry Writing
Brandon, trying to defend his (correct) interpretation of a passage in Jeff's poem - "I don't know....maybe because I naturally always go to suicide..." (Nervous laughter in agreement from class here.) Also, we all agreed that Jeff needs to read audiobooks.
10-7 Shakespeare
Dr. Ford, on a complicated bit of Romeo and Juliet nobody can understand, even with the footnotes in the textbook: "Okay, we know by know that Shakespeare was a pretty dirty writer. yeah?" Chuckles of agreement heard throughout the room. "Well, no one knows exactly what this part's supposed to mean, but we think it's pretty bad. But nobody knows, so we just assume that he's talking about sex here."
Aubrey - "How does Father Laurence know the potion works for 42 hours?" Madison replies that he must have practiced on other subjects before; we all wonder why Shakespeare picked out such a weird time for it to work.
10-8 Poetry Writing
Someone once heard of these black twins named La-Dash-A and La-Space-A. We also thoroughly discussed spelunking and traveled back to Elizabethan England. It was a really strange day.
10-9 Lit Traditions
Apparently concrete heats up as it dries. Weird fact of the day.
10-13 Poetry Writing
Dr. Mackie, frustrated - "I'm trying to help you guys understand meter, but I've just always gotten it. It's just clicked. And it either does or it doesn't....I don't know how to help you all."
Random Person - "Seriously? You understand iambics?"
Jalexa - "Yeah, she's the Pentameter Goddess."
10-16 Lit Traditions
While we're marveling at high school pregnancies and trying to think of solutions, Zach remembers a girl he knew who used a water bottle to fake her water breaking in order to get out of geometry class. We also talked for some length about dogs, the evilness of snakes and spiders, smoking cigarettes and Muggsey Bogues.
10-19 Shakespeare
Today's roll-call question was what we did over the weekend. Bryce - "Well....I helped my girlfriend with a garage sale, but nobody came." "Why not?" "Because the county mowed down all the signs we'd made."
10-21 Shakespeare
Jeff, as the Ghost, reveals that Claudio killed him in order to seize the throne. Hayden, as Hamlet, reads his lines in a bored monotone with zero emotion. After they were done, Dr. Ford to Hayden - "Your father is telling you he was murdered. Might wanna react to that."
10-28 Shakespeare
Dr. Ford - "...You guys know about circumcision, right?" (Everyone looks extremely alarmed and uncomfortable. Thankfully the subject is changed very quickly.)
10-29 Poetry Writing
Dr. Mackie - "Jeff. Start speaking." "Well, I really like dirty poems-" "Jeff. Stop speaking."
Dr. Mackie - "For the record, old people can be lustful, too!" (Several of us immediately call that TMI and go as quickly as we can to any other subject.)
Jeff - "I don't get much of a scent - what am I saying? A 'sense' of madness in this!" (This was just a very weird day. We spent a long time arguing over which would better survive a nuclear bomb: cockroaches or Twinkies.)
11-4 Shakespeare
While answering the roll-call question of worst haircuts we ever had, some girl mentions that lemon juice on hair in the sunlight works as a natural highlight/bleach mixture in order to go blonde.
Dr. Ford - "So, they say absolute power corrupts....what did they do wrong?" (Talking of Macbeth and his wife.) Nobody knows quite how to answer that, until Aubrey speaks up: "....Murder?"
11-5 Poetry Writing
We learned that Dr. Mackie has four degrees and she has never once read Moby Dick. That is amazing. And really cool. (And eventually I'm gonna get past the first page...)
Jalexa - "Are murders happening? 'Cause they should. ...I mean, in the poem, they should." (This is possibly my favorite quote overheard this year.)
11-10 Poetry Writing
Somebody says about my villanelle, "It was comfortable, like a pair of old pajamas." Most of the critiques I got were like that; I couldn't decide whether they were supposed to be compliments or insults.
11-12 Poetry Writing
Dr. Mackie to Jeff - "I'm not saying you're pond scum."
Jeff, talking about Jalexa's free-verse poem - "It helps if you read it like Dracula."
11-13 Lit Traditions
While we're debating the best foods to eat on Thanksgiving, Taylor Nicole(who never says anything ever) asks completely seriously, "What is pumpkin pie? I've never heard of it." Also, apparently Wal-Mart price-matching can be combined with coupons in order to get even more savings.
11-20 Lit Tradtions
Dr. Dial-Driver, to Ray - "Write faster." "Okay, but I need to think faster." "I don't care if you think, I just want you to turn in something written!"
11-19 Poetry Writing
Catee - "I say fat is evidence that you found good food." Deena - "Well, I've found a lot more satisfaction in pizza than I have in men."
Dr. Mackie - "Does anyone else have that little shoulder angel whispering in your ear, 'You're a dumbass...'?"
Deena, joyfully, after finally mastering some writing technique - "I learned something in this class!" Kenzie in extremely bright and cheerful little-girl voice - "It's cool to know shit!"
11-20 Lit Traditions
Catee - "My dog loves to swim, but he hates baths. It's like trying to bathe a hurricane."
11-24 American Lit
Interrupting her own lecture, Dr. Mackie to Jeff - "What are you doing?" "I have Pop-Tart stuck in my wisdom tooth." (Impressive pause) "Well, that sucks."
11-24 Poetry Writing
In today's miscellanous arguments/discussion/rants: Arguing on Facebook, yoga pants, body image, how awful DW was on Arthur, how wonderful Audrey Hepburn was
12-1 Poetry Writing
Dr. Mackie - "My second son wanted to hunt down E.B. White and kill him."
Loud chorus of incredulous "Why???!!!"
"Because Charlotte died." (Stunned silence.)
Jalexa, after a minute - "That's....beautiful..."
12-1 Poetry Writing
Snorts of derision at seeing a PowerPoint presentation about Robert Frost headlined "Bob Frost". Dr. Mackie to Donna - "You're on a first-name basis with him?" It was one of the worst presentations I've ever seen.
12-2 Shakespeare
The last day of class, so Dr. Ford hands out the evaluations, leaves, and doesn't come back for a full half hour. That was weird. So people insulted each other to pass the time.
Bryce - "Kenzie's just a big ball of sass." Jeff - "I thought you said 'ass", and I was gonna be like-" Catee pounces on this - "Nope, that's you!"
After Dr. Ford returns, Jeff literally breaks the wall-partition. He is given a hard time by everyone.
Jeff - "I liked Jacques [from As You Like It] as a character because he's a melancholic jerk. I can kind of relate to that."
I apparently cannot pronounce "apocalyptic"....
12-5 Poetry Writing
Cody - "I'm distracted because Wesley isn't drinking a Diet Coke today."
Madison, snarkily - "You've memorized what he drinks?"
"Well, yeah. He drinks one every day. But today it's a Coke Zero."
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Early December
Thanksgiving was pretty quiet. About half the family was sick, so we just stayed at home instead of heading to Tahlequah(can't have Grandpa get sick, that wouldn't be good at all). So we bet on the Cowboys game, since that's about the only Thanksgiving tradition we really have, Dad won, off by four points. My phone was lighting up all morning with "Happy Thanksgiving!" texts to and from Daniel, Ashland, Jon, Dylan and Elizabeth. Courtney is about ready to take her driver's test, so she's kind of excited about that.
Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. is almost at the third season's winter break, and so tonight's episode was adrenaline packed. It was insane. Next week's will be even crazier. The start of Agent Carter was pushed back because of the State of the Union address, which can be summed up by the opinion of all the old men at the Danville high school basketball games, according to one of Philip Gulley's essay collections: "It's bad, and it's only going to get worse." Maybe HYDRA isn't so fictional as we'd like to believe....
Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. is almost at the third season's winter break, and so tonight's episode was adrenaline packed. It was insane. Next week's will be even crazier. The start of Agent Carter was pushed back because of the State of the Union address, which can be summed up by the opinion of all the old men at the Danville high school basketball games, according to one of Philip Gulley's essay collections: "It's bad, and it's only going to get worse." Maybe HYDRA isn't so fictional as we'd like to believe....
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