How To Pick Your Bracket

     The NCAA tournament is begins this week, which means there will likely be very little work done over the next couple weeks, a lot of pizza will be eaten due to constant exposure to Pizza Hut ads, and there will be a lot of basketball analysis delivered by people who know next to nothing about sports. Everyone is an expert. So all their opinions are important and likely accurate. Which, in reality, means this: Nobody knows anything. And because nobody knows anything, anyone can pick the winners right. That guy in marketing. Your clueless-about-sports aunt. The guy from that psychology class. Your sister's best friend's boyfriend. Your cat. ANYBODY.

     So there are plenty of ways to choose your bracket. You could take any of these options, or some that I haven't thought of.

     The Rational Approach - This person studies records, average point differential, compares head-to-head results, debates strength of the various conferences....basically everyone at ESPN. Most ordinary people hate these types of people.

     The Underdog - This person picks little tiny schools frequently and loves upsets. They probably grew up with a steady diet of Hoosiers, The Big Green, The Mighty Ducks, Air Bud and Rudy. Usually there are several double-digit-seeded teams winning in the first round of these people's brackets.

     The Alpha Dog - They might like upsets as much as the underdog(who doesn't?!), but they pick the big-name schools to win because they're the big schools - Duke, Kansas, North Carolina, Villanova, Arizona, UCLA.

     The Fashion Police - This person picks teams to win by school colors or jersey design. Basically everyone in the U.S. during weird Olympic sports like soccer or skeleton, or while watching horse racing. If you truly don't care, this is a pretty good measuring stick.

     "I've Been There!"  - If you went there, obviously you should pick that school. Or if you know someone who's went there, or it's the alma mater of your spouse/significant other. Or if you've been to that state sometime in your lifetime.

     The Eccentric Nicknamer - You know the ones, where you scratch your head and wonder, "How did that even...?" Names like Anteaters, Boilermakers, Colonials, Crimson, Friars, Hawkeyes, Hoyas, Hoosiers, Jayhawks, Lumberjacks and Tar Heels. Those named creatively get advanced, because imagination is awesome.

     The Audubon Society Member - Like the Eccentric Nicknamer, this person picks solely off of mascots. Birds always win. So, that's good news for the Cardinals, Chanticleers(a rooster from Chaucer's Canterbury Tales), Ducks, Eagles and Ospreys.

     The Cat Person - They probably love everything related to Grumpy Cat. And can seriously detail the pros and cons of every type of kitty litter. And know how many other ways it can be used. Anyway, if you aren't the Cougars, Leopards, Tigers, Panthers or Wildcats, too bad. "NO."

     The Dog Lover - You can be both a Cat Person and a Dog Lover at the same time, but it's unusual. Anyway, this year there are Bulldogs, Great Danes, Huskies and Terriers to cheer on.

    The Batman Villain - There's this Batman dude named Harvey Dent, also known as Two-Face. He flips a coin to decide whether to do something good or evil. That's the same kind of methodology used to fill out a bracket.

    "They went here? GO TEAM!" - A famous person went to school somewhere, which is a good enough reason to root for them. Plus, it helps on Jeopardy questions sometimes. Keep in mind that the schools Bing Crosby (Gonzaga), Steven Curtis Chapman and Brad Paisley (both Belmont), Woodrow Wilson (Davidson), and Dan Fouts( Oregon) went to are all in the tournament this year. Harvard has a huge list of famous people that were former students; a partial list includes John and John Quincy Adams, George W. Bush, Matt Damon, Teddy Roosevelt and Natalie Portman. Tommy Lee Jones and Al Gore were roommates there.

     The Single Guy in the Sports Bar - "Let's see....which team has the hotter cheerleaders?"