A continuation of listing (in my opinion) the greatest quotes from Parks and Recreation's second season. Season one is here, and part one of season two is here.
Episode Nine, "The Camel".
"So...the 'Spirit of Pawnee' was defaced again last night..." - Paul the City Manager. "What was it this time?" - Leslie. "Chocolate pudding." "Huh...that's new." (Later, Paul still talking.) "So, the City Council has determined that the mural should be changed to something...a little less....horrifying."
(Staff meeting.) "No offense, Leslie, but I am not an artist." "Oh, that is not true, Donna! I've seen your fingernails." "Um...I pay someone to do this." "Really? ...Oh. Well, shoot...Anyway, I am ordering all of you to design a mural." "Uh....only Ron can order the whole department to do something." - Tom. "Ron! Order them to do this!" "Do whatever Leslie says!"
(Andy is shining Ron's shoes.) "Do you have a key in there?"
"Dude, what is this? It looks like a lizard puking up Skittles!" - Tom, about an art student's painting.
"I am a terrible artist, but the Parks Department has done so much for me....I'll be glad to help them out however I can." (Ann stares critically at her mural.) "Ugh...maybe I should give them all free flu shots..."
"I'm starting to feel right at home as a shoeshine. I have no idea what I'm doing, but I'm doing it really, really well." - Andy.
"That looks like something a death-row convict would make in Art Therapy." - Tom complaining about Ann's mural. "Dude...I tried." "And you failed." (They argue about their paintings, then the whole department argues about whether Greg Kinear was on ER.)
"Hey, Jerry, why don'tcha put that murinal in the men's room so people can murinate all over it?" - April jeers Jerry's mispronunciation.
(April and Ann are fighting.) "You both have a point. Ann, yours was a little trite; and April, yours was...hellish, and might make someone vomit." - Leslie. "Thank you." - April.
"Well....you've made yourselves a camel." - Mark appraises the awful combination mural entry the gang has created. They stare blankly. "You've never heard that saying, that a camel is really a horse designed by committee? Well, what you've got there is one ugly camel. Featuring Bill Paxton...?"
"I'm not really an artist, Leslie." - Mark. "I've seen you sketch things!" "Yeah...like poles for stop signs." "That everybody looks at!" "By law, they're required to..."
Episode Ten, "Hunting Trip".
"Every year Ron takes a secret hunting trip with all the guys in the office." - Leslie. "Not all the guys. He's never taken me." - Tom. "Okay, fine. All the men."
"April, I need you to do something for me. I am going hunting tomorrow, so call the State Parks Office and get verbal confirmation that our budget documentation is in. Can I just tell you the 16-digit tracking number, or should I write it down? I'll just write it down...Can you handle this?" - Leslie. (April thinks a minute.) "You want me to..dial a number and read off another number? "Yes. Can you handle this?" "No?" "Well, try, okay? And if you do it, I will name the first turkey I shoot after you." "Cool."
"Ann! Ready to bag some birds?" "No, but I am ready to relax in front of the fire and get my Real Simple magazine on," she answers Leslie, smiling. "Great. Well, if you change your mind, you are now an officially licensed Indiana hunter." (Leslie flips hunting license over the car's roof to Ann.) "Oh. Gross."
"All right, safety basics: Donna, can you tell me why it's a bad idea to look down the barrel of your gun?" - Leslie. "Is that a trick question?" (She bends over to look at the barrel of her shotgun.) "Rule Number One: Do not point the weapon at another person. That includes your own face, Donna." - Ron.
(Back at the office, April's been on hold with the Indiana State Parks Department for the last 59 minutes and 54 seconds.) "Andy! Andy! Can you come in here? Please?" "Yeah. What's up?" "I've been on hold for, like, an hour, and now I really have to pee. Can you just sit here for like two seconds and just listen? Please?" "Yes!" "Okay. If they answer, can you just read off those numbers? Out loud?" "Yeah!" "Okay. Thanks." (She dashes towards bathroom. This is memorable because it's awkward-but-realistic, sure, but more importantly, this was their first real interaction on the show. Also, by the end of the episode, they've been on hold for at least 179 minutes.)
"I think this is gonna be a really good bonding sesh with Ron. Guys love it when you show them that you're better than they are at something they love." - Leslie.
(April's back, Andy is complaining about Mark.) "Maybe a deer will eat him." (Andy laughs.) "That would be really awesome. But I don't think that will happen, probably."
(Jerry, Tom and Donna are hunting together.) "Your favorite kind of cake can't be birthday cake. That's like saying that your favorite type of cereal is breakfast cereal." - Tom. "Mmm. I love breakfast cereal." - Donna. "Look! Some kind of bird! Let's kill it!" - Tom.
(Mark is trying to teach Ann how to shoot a shotgun.) "All right! I can see why people like this!" "And, uh, keeping your eyes open is always a good idea around guns."
Episode Eleven, "Tom's Divorce".
"Ew, no, Ron! I don't wanna go up to the fourth floor. It's the creepiest place on Earth!" - Leslie. Then, during interview: "The fourth floor is awful. The DMV, divorce filings, probation offices...Ugh. They put a popcorn machine in there, just to brighten things up, but they used the wrong kind of oil and a bunch of people had to get their throats replaced." Back during conversation: "They'll only talk to you or me. And I can't go, because I don't want to." - Ron.
"I think Tom is fine." - Ron. "I know, that's the problem. Tom always seems like this slickster cool guy, but in reality he's just hiding his emotions under a very thick layer of Axe body spray." - Leslie.
(Mark and Andy are playing pool. Mark's crushing Andy.) "Okay, new game. Let's say that if you win, you don't actually owe me any money. But if I win, then you have to stop bugging me and Ann all the time when we're hanging out. And you can't make comments and stuff." - Mark. "That....doesn't sound very fair..." (April's watching.) "Ugh...somebody punch somebody already!"
"Now the sadness is pouring out of Tom, like the blood of a pterodactyl after it's been attacked by a T. rex." - Leslie.
Episode Twelve, "Christmas Scandal".
"The story of this story is that it won't stop developing!" - Perd Hapley.
"Okay, I've made copies of Leslie's daily work schedule, so we'll all split things up and each take...um....damn, ten items, and we'll knock this out." - Ron to the department. (Leslie's schedule is written in song, apparently, too, BTW.)
"Which meeting is this?" - Ron. "Um...the Association of Local Auditing Systems." - April. "Kill me." Paul the City Manager calls on Leslie to deliver a presentation. "Uh, Leslie's not here. I...gave her the day off." "All right, Ron. I guess you'll be giving her presentation, then?" (Ron, completely blindsided.) "...Yep. Yes, I will..." (April's giggling.)
"Well, I don't know...that, uh, that's kind of a weird question. I mean, I - I joined to put myself through college, and, uh, it's, ya know....I'm just a desk jockey, but it's...rewarding, so...um, yeah, so....I guess I'm in love with the Army." - Dave the cop. (Jump cut during interview.) "Oh, yeah, Leslie! That makes a lot more sense. Yeah, I'm definitely in love with Leslie. That's affirmative."
(Reading Leslie's to-do lists.) "All right...sort out that payroll issue, that's done!" - Tom. "Deliver a case of beer to Sanitation. Why?" - Mark. "Let's skip that one. They can buy their own beer. I'm getting hungry, let's grab something to eat. So, have you figured out what you're getting Ann for Christmas?" "Oh, I already did, actually. I got her a new computer bag." "That's a terrible gift." "No, she mentioned that she needed a new one, like, two months ago, and I wrote it down. That's what's called being an amazing boyfriend."
"Hey, Ann! I've been thinking about your gay boyfriend all day, what you should get him." - Andy. "Great! What'd you come up with?" "Spray tan gift cirtificate." "Eh....no." "Trip to Germany. Germany is awesome."And expensive." "Good call. I didn't think of that."
Episode Thirteen, "The Set Up".
"I've been getting a lot of visitors recently...thanks to a...stupid, worthless, new push to make government officials more accessible to the public. This is my hell." - Ron.
(Ann comes in from a lunch run.) "All right, Tom...here's your chicken Caesar salad; no dressing, no cheese, no croutons, no taste." "And no carbs." "And for you, madame, the Leslie Knope." "Thank you!" "I cannot believe the cafeteria named a sandwich after you, that is so cool!" "Isn't it?! Salami on pumpernickle with olive juice and extra iceberg." (Ann frowns in disgust.) "It was the only sandwich on the board that wasn't named. I just wish I liked it..."
"I feel sorry for Leslie...it's terrible to have a relationship end by distance. Although, that's pretty much why I broke up with Andy...He lived way too close to me." - Ann.
"You get an assistant now?" - Tom asks Ron. "Yeah, I've always been able to have one, but I've turned it down because it's a waste of money. In the eight years that I've been at this job, I've saved the taxpayers more than a hundred and fifty grand. But now, I need the taxpayers' money, to save me from the taxpayers. Please post this at your college." (He hands ad to April.) "This looks like an ad for nothing." (It says, "Job: assistant to a man. Low pay. Apply at Parks Department."
"You....are very organized, Leslie." - Justin the lawyer.
"Hey, how's the date going?" - Ann. "...Good. We just finished the MRI." - Leslie. "What?" "This guy is nuts!" "I'm sorry, Les....I'll try to get somebody better next time. Just don't let this sour you on dating, okay?"
"Well, I just wanted to make sure I wasn't crazy, so...naturally I came to you for reassurance." - Mark to Andy.
(Tom has just tried to get Ron to hire Jean-Ralphio as his assistant.) "I want to punch you in the face so bad right now." - Ron. "Okayy. Message received. I'll keep looking." "Thank you. Bring me the opposite of him."
"I like it when you hang out here." - Andy to April. (She stalks into Ron's office.) "I want to be your assistant." "Really. You hate it here." "So do you." (He nods.) "I'll make sure you don't have to go to any meetings. If anyone comes to see you...I'll scare them away." (Tom tries to get April to decide between two ties, she slams the door in his face.) "You're hired."
"I just figured that I might as well get paid for being here." - April.
"Ten months ago, she was an intern who could give a C-R-A-P about local government. Now, she's our newest employee. To April." - Leslie. "Cheers!" - Tom and Donna. "Yay." - April. "Jerry, come and celebrate." - Leslie. "No thanks." "Well, everybody, let's get back to work." (Jerry walks towards Ron's office.) "Where are you going?" - April. "I want to talk to Ron about the size of my desk." "Jerry. You have to schedule an appointment." "Okay. How 'bout now?" "Ron 's not here." "He's right there! I can see him!" "I'll let you know when he's available." (She smiles sweetly; Jerry huffs away, Ron raises his coffee cup in salute.) "Atta girl." - Ron.
Episode Fourteen, "Leslie's House".
"I know what you meant, but I took your idea and made it better. It's called a think tank, Ann." - Leslie. "What is?" "Our lunches. Our lunches are like think tanks."
"'Hey, it's Justin. Here, take my coat, but be careful, cause I got it from the King of Africa when we were walkin' along the Berlin Wall together.' Really, Justin? What instruments do you play? ...Actually, he's a pretty sick keyboardist." - Andy.
"Hey, Ann! Welcome to my house for the very first time." - Leslie. "I know, I can't believe that you've never invited me here before." "Well, come on in." (Leslie's house is AWFUL. Ann looks around in shock.) "Now I can believe it..." "Now you can just help me put on the finishing touches." "This newspaper is from November 1986." "Oh, the first rumblings of Iran-Contra! Don't throw that out!"
"I think I need to call Child Protective Services and have Leslie taken away from herself." - Ann.
"Don't take this the wrong way, but your house is like a crazy person's garage!" - Ann to Leslie.
"Justin is hip. Pawnee is...not hip. People around here are just starting to get into Nirvana. I don't have the heart to tell 'em what's gonna happen to Kurt Cobain in 1994." - Tom.
"Ew....it's like touching raw chicken." - April complains while shaking Tom's hand.
"I can't wait to talk with Justin again....last time he told me about when he snorkeled with whale sharks in Madagascar. That was after I told him that I sometimes go swimming at the Y." - Mark.
(Justin tries to shake April's hand at Leslie's dinner party.) "I have the swine flu."
"Yo." - April. "Yo." - Andy. "Is that Justin's coat?" "Oh, yeah. He got it in Cambodia when he was hiking Mount Everest." "Let's put chewed-up gum in his pockets." "That's genius. But I can't...Leslie's being super-cool with me, and I can't screw over her boyfriend, so..." "I'll do it when you aren't in the room, then." "That would be terrible." (Andy nods.)
"Well, this is great. I'm heading home, so as to not have to be here anymore." - Ron, during Barney the accountant's presentation on QuickBooks.
Episode Fifteen, "Sweetums".
(Tom's giving a fashion show for Leslie and Justin, since he's getting divorced to Wendy and all.) "Well, as far as white leather suits go...." - Leslie. "Horrible." - Justin.
"That was really nice of you to compliment my truck without any ulterior motive." - Mark to Tom. (Tom then asks for help moving over the weekend.) "I'm totally blanking on a valid excuse, so....yeah, sure."
"Ann needs to butt out. The point of America is, if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds, and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so! To me, that's beautiful." - Ron.
(After helping April, Mark, Andy and Donna help Tom move, her gay boyfriend Derek and his boyfriend Ben are making fun of Andy Eventually, she's had enough of listening to it.) "You know....for a gay couple, you guys are being really gay."
"By the way, maybe it's none of my business, but if you eat three pounds of steak every day, you're gonna die. And although I've already written your eulogy, and it's incredibly touching, I would prefer not to give it for a while." - Leslie to a drunk Ron.
Episode Sixteen, "Galentine's Day".
"Some of those senior citizens have been married for half a century. We could learn a lot from them. Because, no offense, but everyone in this office is terrible at love. (Looking in turn at Tom, April, Ron, An and Mark.) "Divorced. Dating a gay guy. Divorced twice. Jury's still out on you two. And Jerry, who knows?" - Leslie. "I've been happily married for twenty-eight years! You've met my wife Gail many times."
"I've never really had a chance to get a girl a cliche Valentine's Day gift before, so....I got you all of 'em." - Mark to Ann.
"If that happens here...my eyes will fall out of the back of my head and I'll die!" - Andy, worrying about elderly women flashing him while Mouse Rat is up on stage.
"You guys are really adorable. That's - that's all I wanted to say." - April to an elderly couple.
"So..your plan was to sue me, and then use that to blackmail me into falling in love with you?" - Wendy to Tom. "Well....YEAH!"
"Are you guys...? Wait, never mind, don't answer that." - Ann to April. "Why do you care?"
"Why does everything we do have to be cloaked in like fifteen layers of irony?!" - April to Derek and Ben.
"He's a tourist. He vacations in people's lives, takes pictures, puts 'em in a scrapbook and then moves on. All he's interested in are stories." - Ron to Leslie about Justin. "Huh." "Basically, he's selfish. And you're not. And that's why you don't like him."
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