Firefly Quotes - Part One

     Whatever else you can say about them (which is usually quite a lot), Whedon shows are very quotable, and they really make you think. Firefly, especially. Basically, the plot is a Western, that just happens to be set in space....five hundred years into the future. Our main characters are basically outlaws who lost a civil war six years earlier, torn daily between remaining anonymous to the ruling Alliance and making a living. It's like if Han Solo actually had a crew to boss around, instead of just Chewie. Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., especially the first and second seasons, in a lot of ways is a tamer version of Firefly. The U.S. and China were the superpowers that led the exploration into space, and so culture is a weird mix of the two, most noticeable by the random strings of Chinese whenever harsh swearing was required. (Creative workaround censors, that.)
     So here's the collection of corralled quotations from the sole season of the adventures of the crew of the Serenity. (Captain Malcom Reynolds, second-in-command Zoe Washburne, her pilot husband Hoban Washburne, mechanic Kaylee Frye, mercenary Jayne Cobb, prostitute Inara Serra, preacher Derrial Book, doctor Simon Tam and his borderline insane sister River.) Though the show's run was only fourteen episodes long, the amount of quotability necessitates that this project be broken up into two parts. However, like G.K. Chesterton wrote in Orthodoxy, it's somehow more fun that no more can be added.
     Pretty shiny, ain't it? (By this point of the English language, "shiny" is catch-all slang like we use "cool" today.)

Episode One - "Pilot/Serenity":
     (Bored while on lookout for a scavenging mission, Wash is playing with two toy dinosaurs.) "Everything looks good from here. 'Yes, yes. This is a fertile land,' (says the triceratops). 'We will thrive. We will rule over all this land' (the control panel) '...and we shall call it....this land....' (switching to T. Rex now) "'I think we should call it your grave!' 'Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!', the triceratops cries. 'Eh ha ha hah....mine is an evil laugh. Now die!'" the T. rex gloats.
     (Mal commands Kaylee to blackout the Serenity's power.) "Going dark!" (She climbs a ladder and shuts down the power.) "Okay, now I can't get down."
     (Jayne and Kaylee are arguing about Mal's plan of taking on passengers to ensure respectability.) "No, it's shiny to meet new people! They've all got their stories...." "Kaylee, will you stop bein' so cheerful, please?" - Jayne. "I don't believe there's a power in the 'verse that could stop Kaylee from bein' cheerful. Sometimes just want to duct-tape her mouth and dump her in the hold for a month." Mal replies. "I love my captain," she grins.
     "I know somethin' ain't right..." Zoe complains. "Sweetie, we're crooks. If everything were right, we'd be in jail," Wash points out.
     "What were you in that war you failed to win? A sergeant, yeah? I think you're still a sergeant. Still a soldier. A man of honor in a den of thieves," - Badger the crime lord, contemptuously (but accurately) describing Mal.
     "I don't see why we didn't leave him in a pool of his own blood," Jayne complains. "'Cause then we'd be dead. You can't get paid if you're dead," Mal answers.
     "Now we've got a boatful of citizens right on top of our stolen cargo....That's a fun mix," - Zoe to Mal. "Ain't no way in the 'verse they could find that compartment, even -" (passenger walks by) "even if they were lookin' for it." She looks at him. "Why not?" He frowns uncomfortably. "'Cause." "Ah. Yeah, this is gonna go great..." "If anybody gets nosy, y'know, just....shoot 'em." "Shoot 'em?" "Politely!"
     "So....would you like to lecture me on the wickedness of my ways?" - Inara asks Shepherd Book, following an awkward introduction earlier. "I brought you some supper. But if you'd prefer a lecture, I've a few very catchy ones prepped. Sin, and hellfire. And one has lepers."  (Talk turns to Mal.) "He is not wildly interested in ingratiating himself with anyone. Yet he seems very protective of his crew. It's odd." - Book.
     (While being held at gunpoint.) "This is not my best day ever," Mal mutters.
     (Same scene, after Kaylee is shot in the stomach.) "Welllll....that ain't hardly a mosquito bite." - Mal. (Arguing leads to Mal changing course and running from the Alliance to give Simon enough time to operate on Kaylee.) "When this is over, you and me are gonna have a personal chat," Mal growls during the operation. "That'll be fun. Dope her," Simon tosses a tranq gun across the surgery.
     (Coming across a surprise he didn't expect.) "...Huh." - Mal.
     "What the hell is this?" - Mal. "This is my sister," - Simon.
     (After explaining to everyone else that River was extraordinarily gifted, and thus subjected to experimentation by the Alliance, Simon rescued her.) "Will she be all right?" Inara asks. "I...I don't know. I don't know if she'll be all right; I don't know what they did to her...or why. I just have to keep her safe."
     (At the end of his patience, Mal punches Simon.) "Saw that comin'," Jayne grins.
     "Do you have any idea how much trouble you're in?" an Alliance mole asks Jayne. "Gee, I never been in trouble with the law before," he answers innocently.
     "Well, we may not have departed on the best of terms....certain words were exchanged....also...certain bullets..." - Mal to a crime lord named Patience, who shot him the last business deal they had.
     "There's obstacles in our path, but we're gonna get through this. We will. We'll get through 'em," Mal tells his crew.
     "Testing....Captain, can you hear me?" Jayne asks over a radio headset. "Yeah, I'm standing right here," Mal answers. "Coming in loud and clear!" "That's cause I'm standing right here."
     (During a tense standoff between Mal's crew and Patience's people after their transaction has finished.) "I'd appreciate it if you all would turn around and ride out first." (Shootout commences.)
      "You might ask Mal to drop you off somewhere else - Whitefall ain't exactly the middle of civilization," - Wash. "I'll be all right, you don't have to worry about me," Simon mumbles. "Zoe's out there. I always worry. So - It ain't out of my way."
     (After shootout) "Zoe?" "Armor's dented." "Well, you were right about this being a bad idea." "Thanks for sayin', sir."
     (Everyone is yelling frantically at Wash to pilot faster while being chased by horrendous pillagers called Reavers.) "If everyone could just be quiet, please-" he says evenly. "Can we get Kaylee to the engine room, please?" Protestations before Zoe and Jayne go to carry her from the surgery. "How are we doing?" the captain asks after a minute. "I don't mean to alarm anybody, but I think we're being followed."
     (Extremely weak Kaylee is directing instructions to Book and Jayne. Book is decently familiar with mechanical things.) "Jayne, open the port jets and cut the hydraulics." (He looks around helplessly.) "What the hell is-" "Look! Look! Look where I'm pointing!" (He opens box, which is full of complicated wires.) "Okay, now it's really simple...." she instructs, Jayne stares at her open-mouthed in disbelief.
     (After Wash pulls off a risky, daring escape maneuver and they sail off to safety) "I knew I hired you for somethin'," Mal nods approvingly.
     "You really ought to let the doctor look at this," Inara scolds Shepherd Book while stitching up a cut above his eye. "It's not bad." "Well, I'm sure you'll be fine." "I didn't say that." (Pause; he's near tears.) "Is this what life is? Out here?" She nods. "Sometimes." "...I've been out of the abbey two days. I've beaten a lawman senseless, and fallen in with criminals....I watched the captain shoot a man I swore to protect, and....I'm not even sure if I thought it was wrong..." "Shepherd-" "I believe, it's just -" (weak smile) "I think I'm on the wrong ship." She stares at him a minute, biting her lip. "Maybe. But maybe you're exactly where you ought to be."
     "I didn't think you'd come for me," River says to Simon. "Well, you're a dummy," he says.
     "But he did try to make a deal with you, though, right? How come you didn't turn on me, Jayne?" "Money wasn't good enough." "What happens when it is?" "Welll....that'll be an interesting day." "Imagine it will." (Jayne leaves cabin, Simon enters.) "So where do you plan on dumping us?" "There's places you might be safe. But you want the truth, though, you're probably safer on the move. Hey - we never stop movin'." (Simon frowns.) "I'm confused....no, wait, I think maybe you're confused." "Maybe it's become apparent to you that the ship could use a medic. You ain't weak. Don't know how bright you are, top three percent, but you ain't weak, and that's not nothin'. You live by my rules, you keep your sister from doin' anything crazy, you could, maybe, find a place here. Till you find better." "I....I'm trying to put this as delicately as I can....How do I know that you won't kill me in my sleep?" "You don't know me, son. Let me explain this to you once: If I ever kill you, you'll be awake. You'll be facing me. And you'll be armed." "Are you always this sentimental?" (Mal shrugs.) "Had a good day." "You had the Alliance on you, criminals and savages....half the people on this ship have been shot or wounding including yourself, and you're harboring known fugitives." "Well, we're still flyin'..." "That isn't much." "...It's enough."

Episode Two - "The Train Job":
     "After the Earth was used up, we found a new solar system and hundreds of new Earths were terraformed and colonized. The Central Planets formed the Alliance and decided that all the planets had to join under their rule. There was some disagreement on that point. After the war, many of the Independents who had fought and lost drifted to the edges of the system, far from Alliance control. Out here, people struggle to get by with the most basic technologies. A ship could get you work. A gun would help you keep it. A captain's goal was simple: Find a crew, find a job, keep flying," - First voiceover introduction, from Shepherd Book.
     (In a bar on some backwater planet.) "Your move." - Jayne. "That's a bold move." - Zoe. "I live on the edge." - Mal. (We then see that they're playing Chinese Checkers.) And then a drunk guy loudly proclaims that it's been six years since the Alliance won the war, "sending those nasty Browncoats runnin'." He then takes a closer look at Mal. "You know....your coat is kind of a brownish color..." "It was on sale." "An' you didn' toast. You know, I'm thinkin' you musta been one of them Independents." "And I think you weren't blessed with an overabundance of schooling. So why don't we just ignore each other until we go away?" Mal smiles. Drunk Guy continues insulting him until Zoe clobbers him from behind, bringing most of the bar's patrons threateningly to their feet. "Jayne?" Zoe calls for help. "Hey, I didn't fight in no war. You guys are on your own." "Fine. Let's do this." Mal shrugs. (He's then thrown out of a holographic glass window. Into radio:) "Wash, we've got some local color happening. A grand entrance would not go amiss."
      Later in same fight, Mal, Zoe and Jayne are perched atop a cliff. "See? This is why we lost. Superior numbers!" "Thanks for the reenactment, sir."
     "Uh-huh....funny how you always find yourself in an Alliance-friendly bar on U-Day when you're just lookin' for a quiet drink." - Zoe.
     "....This isn't home." - River. "No. No....we can't go home. If we go home, they'll just send you back to the Academy. This is safer now." - Simon. (River shakes her head in fear at going back, then nods in agreement that his plan is a good idea.) "We're on a ship," he says hopefully. "A mid-bulk transport, standard radon and accelerator core, class code 03-K64. A Firefly," she recites. "Well, that's somethin'. I can't even remember all that," Mal comments, leaning on the doorway. After a chat about Mal's brawl, River watches him walk down the hallway. "Mal. Bad. In the Latin." (She's right.)
     "That young man's very brave," Shepherd Book talking of Simon's attempts to nurse River back to health. He then delivers a monologue of expositional details, asking why Mal is harboring known fugitives. "Because it's the right thing to do. And shouldn't you be delivering religiosity to the heathens or somesuch?" "Oh, I've got heathens enough right here," the preacher smiles. Mal sighs. "You're welcome on this boat. God ain't."
     "What did I tell you about barging into my shuttle?" - Inara snaps at Mal. "That it was....manly and impulsive?" "Yes. Except the exact phrase I used was 'Don't.'"
     "That guy's a psycho, you know." - Zoe. "Niska? Well, he's not the first psycho we've worked for. Probably won't be the last. You think that's a commentary on us?" - Mal.
     (Shepherd Book is studying the New Testament in the kitchen when Inara comes in for a cup of tea. "I wish I could help. I mean, I don't want to help help - not with the thieving, but - I do feel awfully useless." - Book. "You could always pray they make it back safely." - Inara. "I don't think the captain would much like me praying for him." "Don't tell him," she shrugs. "I never do."
     "Sir, I think you have a problem with your brain is missing." - Zoe.
     "Soo.....what are we doing?" Simon asks Kaylee. "Oh! Crime," she answers breezily. "Crime...good. Okayyy.....hmm. Crime..." he mutters, taken aback.
     "Time for some thrilling heroics." - Jayne.
     (Having just realized that the cargo they just stole was medicine for a town which desperately needs it.) "This is a nightmare..." Mal moans.
     "That sounds like the Alliance....unite all the planets under one rule so that each can be ignored or interfered with equally." Mal.
     "....Did he just go crazy and fall asleep?" Wash asks incredulously after Jayne collapses in the middle of threatening everyone. "I told him to sit down," Simon shakes his head. "You doped him!" Kaylee marvels. "It....it was supposed to kick in a good deal sooner. I just didn't feel comfortable with him being in charge. I hope that's all right."
     (Jayne, still loopy from the drugs, has just shot an adversary in the kneecap.) "Nice shot." - Mal. "...I was aimin' for his head...."
     "A man learns about a situation like ours...well, then he has a choice." - Local Sheriff, talking about the crew's return of the needed medicine. "No, I don't believe he does," Mal answers.

Episode Three - "Bushwhacked":
     (Arguing amongst crew whether to see if stranded ship needs help or not.) "If there's folks on board who needed help, why ain't they beamin' no distress call?" - Jayne. "It's true...there's no beacon." - Zoe. "Which means its likely no one's looking to find her." - Mal. "All the more reason for us to do the right thing." - Book. "How's about you just say a prayer while we slide on by?" Jayne asks Book. "Shall I remind you of the story of the Good Samaritan?" Book asks Mal. "I'd rather you didn't. But we'll check it out," Mal decides. "Could be survivors. And if not, well, then nobody's gonna mind if we take a look around, see if there was something of value they might've left behind." "Yeah! No, uh....someone could be hurt," Jayne nods enthusiastically.
     "Oh, yeah, he's a real beast. It's a wonder you're still alive," Simon says dryly to Jayne, after they capture a scrawny guy who attacked him earlier. "He looked bigger when I couldn't see him."
     (Kaylee is asked to defuse a bomb.) "Yeah, sure, I can do that." (Pause) "That is, I think so...." (Another pause. Then, muttering) "Besides, if I mess up, it's not like you're gonna be around to yell at me..."
     "This looks like an illegal salvage operation, Captain Reynolds." - Alliance Officer. "It does? Well, that's discouraging..."
     (Zoe is being interrogated.) "You fought with Captain Reynolds in the war?" "Fought with a lot of people in the war." "And with your husband in the war?" "Fight with him sometimes, too."
     (Mal is being interrogated.) "I find it odd that you'd name your ship after a battle that you were on the losing side of." "May have been the losing side, but I'm not convinced it was the wrong one."

Episode Four - "Shindig":
     (New intro from here on out.) "Here's how it is: Earth got used up, so we terraformed a whole new galaxy of Earths, some rich and flush with the new technologies. Some? Well, not so much. Central planets, them as formed the Alliance, waged war to bring everyone under their rule. Few idiots tried to fight it, among them, myself. I'm Malcolm Reynolds, captain of Serenity. We got a good crew: fighters, pilot, mechanic. We even picked up a preacher, and a bona fide Companion. There's a doctor, too; took his sister out of some Alliance camp, so they're keepin' a low profile. You got a job, we can do it. Don't much care what it is."
     (Mal tries to warn Inara that a bar brawl is brewing over a game of pool.) "I'm having fun, actually. It's interesting watching the game. As with many situations, the key seems to be giving Jayne a heavy stick and then standing back."
     "Planet's comin' up mighty fast." - Zoe. "Well, that's cause I'm coming down too quick. It's no big deal, only that we're probably going to crash and die." - Wash. "Well, when that happens, let me know." - Mal.
     (About a ball she's planning to attend.) "I don't suppose you'd find it up to the standards of your outings. More conversation, and somewhat less petty theft and getting hit with pool cues." - Inara.
     "Look at the pretties!" Kaylee squeals. "What am I looking at? The girls, or the clothes?" - Wash. "The clothes, please." - Zoe.
     "You backed out of our deal last time. Left us hanging." - Mal. "Hurt our feelings." - Jayne adds. "I had a problem with your attitude is why. Thought you was....what's the word...." Badger stops his harangue Mal-ward, stuck for the right word. "Pretentious?" Jayne suggests. "Exactly! You think you're better than other people!" "Just the ones I'm better than."
     "She blushes. Not many in your profession who would do that." a nasty man named Atherton Wing, to Inara.
     "You're supposed to make me look respectable." Mal hisses at Kaylee, both very much out of their element at Inara's fancy ball. "Yes sir, Cap'n Tightpants!" "Okay....help me find our man....he's kind of stocky and he's wearin' a red sash crossways." "Why's he do that?" "Maybe he won the Miss Persephone Pageant. Just help me look!" "Is that him?" "That's the buffet table." "Well, how can we be sure, unless we question it?"
     (River has just ripped off the labels of most of the galley's canned-food supply.) "Shh. No harm done, we'll just - be having a few mystery meals." - Book.
     (Mal has found the guy he's looking for, a large man with a snooty accent named Sir Warrick Harrow.) "The sash?" "It indicates lordhood." "And it's - doing a great job." "Whom do you represent?" "Fella called Badger." (Sir Warrick looks offended.) "I know him. I think he's a psychotic lowlife." "And I think calling him that is an insult to the psychotic lowlife community."
     (Mal and Inara are arguing again.) "What I do is legal. And how about you, how's that smuggling coming along?" "It may be illegal, but at least it's honest." he snaps.
     (Mal punches Atherton Wing, who's just insulted Inara.) "Turns out this is my kind of party!" (He then learns that he accidentally challenged him to a swordfight duel, and panics.)
     "...This taking up as my second, does that mean we're in business together?" Mal to Sir Warrick. "It means you're in mortal danger. But, you mussed up Atherton's face, and that has endeared me to you somewhat."
     "....Up until the punching, it was a real nice party," Kaylee says quietly.
     (Badger knocks on the hull door, Jayne reluctantly lets him in.) "The captain's gone and gotten himself in trouble," Badger announces. Cut to crew meeting. "A duel?" Book asks, not believing Badger's story. "With swords?" Wash is equally astounded. "The captain's a good fighter, he....he must know how to handle a s-sword..." Simon mumbles. "Think he knows which end to hold..." Zoe frowns.
     "He insulted you. I hit him. Seemed like the right thing to do. Why'd this get so complicated?!" Mal, to Inara. (Later, same scene.) "I actually thought that I was defending your honor, and I never back down from a fight." "Yes, you do! You do that all the time." "....Well, I'm not backin' down from this one." (She then teaches him how to swordfight.)

Episode Five - "Safe":
(Slightly expanded version of Mal's intro; the third of the series.) "Here's how it is: the Earth got used up, so we moved out and terraformed a whole new galaxy of Earths, some rich and flush with the new technologies. Some? Well, not so much. The central planets, them as formed the Alliance, waged war to bring everyone under their rule. Few idiots tried to fight it, among them, myself. I'm Malcolm Reynolds, captain of Serenity. She's a transport ship, Firefly class. We got a good crew: fighters, pilot, mechanic. We even picked up a preacher for some reason, and a bona fide Companion. There's a doctor, too; took his sister out of some Alliance camp, so they're keepin' a low profile. You understand. You got a job, we can do it. Don't much care what it is."
     "I will not have it in my house. But since your mother's already ordered you one, I guess  I should give up the fantasy that this is my house." - Gabriel Tam in a flashback, talking about ordering a piece of expensive technology for Simon's use. (Perhaps a computer?) He then stipulates that Simon can pay him back by becoming a brilliant doctor. (Young Simon is played by Zac Efron in his first role.)
     "So. She's added cussing and hurling about of vial-things into her repertoire. She really is a prodigy." - Mal, about River. "It's just a bad day..." Simon mutters. "No, a bad day is when someone's yellin' spooks the cattle. You ever seen cattle stampede when they got no place to run? It's kinda like a...meat grinder. And it loses half our herd." "She hasn't gone anywhere near the cattle." "No, but in case you hadn't noticed, her voice kinda carries. We're two miles above ground and they can probably hear her down there. Soon as we unload, she can holler until our ears bleed. Although I would take it as a kindness if she didn't."  "The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds given adequate vacuuming systems." - River. "See, morbid and creepifyin', I got no problem with. Long as she does it quiet-like."
     (Unloading the cattle for the sale.) "Hope this corral's strong enough to hold 'em....Shepherd's a purely figurative title, ya know!" - Book. "Next time we start smugglin' stock, let's make it something smaller." - Zoe. "Yeah, like those black-market beagles!" Wash agrees.
     "When a man engages in clandestine dealings, he has his preference for things bein' smooth. She makes things - not be smooth." - Mal, about River. "Right....I'm very sorry if she tipped off anyone about your cunningly concealed herd of cows," Simon answers sarcastically.
     "Does it seem that every supply store on every border planet has the same five rag dolls and the same wood carvings of - what is this, a duck?" - Inara. "It's a swan!" Kaylee defends it. "And I like it." "You do?" "Yeah. It looks like it was made with, y'know....longing. Made by a person who really longed to see a swan." (Inara smiles.) "Perhaps because they'd only heard of them by rough description."
     "This is the last time with cows...." Mal mutters, picking carefully through manure. "I believe there was some idea with beagles. Don't they have smallish droppings?" "I believe so, sir. Also, your disreputable men are here." - Zoe.
      (Caught up in a skirmish wholly not of their doing for once.) "It never goes smooth! How come it never goes smooth?!" Mal complains.
     (Book has been shot, badly.) "Where's....the doctor?" he wheezes. "We don't make him hurry for the little stuff. He'll be along shortly," Zoe tells him in her best nursing voice. "He...could hurry....a little...."
     "'Dear Diary: Today I was pompous and my sister was crazy." (Flips book to new page) "Today we were captured by hill-folk, never be seen again. It was the best day ever!'" - Jayne rummaging through Simon's things.
     "We're headed for help, right?" Kaylee asks about Book. "Captain'll come up with a plan," Zoe nods. "And that's good, right?" Zoe allows herself a small grin. "It's possible you're not recallin' some of his previous plans."
     (Very agitated Jayne, in an Alliance hospital.) "This place gives me an uncomfortableness..."
     (After getting kidnapped by a community of hillbillies, River has a moment of reality and she shares a memory of berrypicking with Simon.) "I took you away from there. I know I did. You don't think I do, but...I get confused. I remember everything. I remember too much, and....some of it's made up, and....some of it can't be quantified, and - there's secrets -" "River. It's okay." "But I understand. You gave up everything you had to find me. You found me broken, and...it's hard for you. You gave up everything you had-" (she breaks down in tears.) "Everything I have is right here." (She smiles again.) "You need to eat, to keep up your strength. We won't be here long. Daddy will come and take us away." (Simon turns away.) "I'll get better. I'll get better!"
     (Flashback again: In his efforts to rescue River, Simon has found himself jailed. His parents have never believed his idea that she is being tortured, and Dad comes along to bail him out, in an awful mood.) "I'm sorry, Dad....You know, I never would have saved River's life if I knew there was a dinner party at risk." "Are you trying to destroy this family?!" Gabriel rages. Simon answers, sadly: "....I didn't realize it would be so easy." (Simon is then disowned.)
     (These hillbillies have turned out to be some kind of cult, and they think River is a witch. She's about to be burned at the stake until the Serenity saves the day dramatically.) "WELL, LOOK AT THIS! APPEARS WE GOT HERE IN JUST THE NICK OF TIME!" Mal has to shout to be heard over the engines. "WHAT DOES THAT MAKE US?" "BIG DAMN HEROES, SIR!" Zoe yells back. "AIN'T WE JUST!" (By now they're within normal speaking range.) "Sorry, folks, but you got somethin' that belongs to us, and we'd like it back. Cut her down." "She's a witch," the community leader protests. "Yeah, but she's our witch!" Mal snaps.
     "So finally a decent wound on this ship, and I miss it.... I'm sorry." - Simon. "Well, you were busy tryin' to get yourself lit on fire. It happens." - Mal. "Captain? Why did you come back for us?" (Mal looks surprised.) "You're on my crew." "Yeah, but you don't even like me. Why'd you come back?" "You're on my crew. Why are we still talkin' about this?"

Episode Six - "Our Mrs. Reynolds":
     "I married me a powerful ugly creature," Jayne says to outlaws holding up their wagon. "How can you say that? How can you shame me in front of new people?" Mal asks, disguised as a woman. They aim their pistols at the outlaws. "Now, you think real hard. You can luxuriate in a nice jail cell, or, if your hand touches metal, I swear by my pretty floral bonnet, I will end you." - Mal.
     "What are you doing on my boat?" a startled Mal yells at a young woman with red hair. "But....you know I am to cleave to you." "To what about who?" "Did the elder not tell you?" "Tell me what....? Who are you?" "Mr. Reynolds, sir....I'm your wife." (Mal is stunned speechless, and the credits intro plays.) "Could you repeat that, please?" (The woman tries to explain.) "Okay, I'm sorry - go back to the part where you're my wife?" "I don't please you?" "You can't please me - you never met me!" (Zoe and Jayne enter cargo bay.) "Zoe, why do I have a wife?" "You got a wife?" Jayne asks. (Zoe calls everybody into the cargo bay.) "Who's the new recruit?" Book asks. "Everybody - I want you all to meet Mrs. Reynolds," Zoe introduces the crew to the woman. "You got married?" Kaylee squeals. (Inara looks angry and like she wants to throw up.) "Wow, that's, uh....Congratulations?" Simon stammers. "We always hoped you two kids would get togeth - Who is she?" - Wash. (Eventually they all figure out what happened, Mal doesn't react well and the woman runs away crying.)
     "Hello? Woman...Person?" Mal calls through a hallway before eventually finding her. "Are you gonna kill me?" "What? What kind of crappy planet is that, kill you?" "In the Maiden's Home I heard talk of men who were like that, if they weren't pleased with their brides-" "Well, I ain't them! And don't you ever stand for that sort of thing. Someone tries to kill you, you try to kill 'em right back." He sighs. "Look, wife or no, you are no one's property to be tossed aside. You got the right, same as anyone, to...live and try to kill people." (She stares, confused.) "I mean....y'know...That's a dumb planet!"
     (Later, same scene.) "I'd be a good wife." "Yeah, well....I'd be a terrible husband." (She scrambles off to the galley to cook.) "Hold it! I never even-" "My name is Saffron," the woman says demurely.
     "Can I come in?" - Mal. "No." Inara's tone is even icier than normal. (He enters her shuttle.) "That's why I don't usually ask." "What do you want?" "I just need someplace to....hide."
     "Every planet has its own weird customs. A year before we met, I spent six weeks on a moon where the principal form of recreation was juggling geese," Wash tells Zoe. "Baby geese - Goslings! They were juggled."
     (Mal goes to his cabin, is surprised to see Saffron there.) "Hey, you're, uh....uhhh.....there you are. Didn't you see that you got a room of your own?" "And I'm to sleep there?" "That's the notion. Assuming you're sleepy." "But we've been wed. Aren't we to become one flesh?" "Uh....no. No, we're still two fleshes, and...I think that your flesh ought to sleep somewhere else." (Saffron knocks him out with poison lipstick, and this later indirectly knocks out Inara as well, once she tries to revive him. Inara spends the rest of the episode awkwardly explaining away this incident by claiming she tripped and hit her head.)
     "She's a pro!" Kaylee admires Saffron's explosive-rigging capability. Inara explains that Saffron also apparently had Companion training. "Okay, everybody not talking about sex, stay in here! Everybody else, elsewhere," Wash commands.
     "One day, you're gonna tell us all how a preacher knows so damn much about crime," Jayne says to Book.
     "You gonna kill me?" Saffron asks once Mal tracks her down. "Can you come up with a terribly compelling reason for me not to?" "I didn't kill you." He has her pinned, with a gun to her head. "Promise me you're gonna kill me soon." "Aw, you already know I ain't gonna." He lets her sit up. "You know, you did pretty well. Most men, they're on me inside of ten minutes. Not tryin' to teach me how to be strong and the like."

Episode Seven - "Jaynestown":
     "What's going on here?" Simon asks Jayne. "I was looking for some tape." "So you had to tear my entire infirmary apart?" "Apparently." "You are like a trained ape! Except without the training."
     (The gang runs into a lifesized statue of Jayne, gape in astonishment.) "...Jayne?" Mal asks. "Yeah?" "You want to tell me how come there's a statue of you here, starin' at me like I owe him somethin'?" "...Wishin I could, Cap'n..."
     (River is sitting at the kitchen table, scribbling in Book's Bible, when he enters.) "What are you up to, sweetheart?" "Fixing your Bible." "I - uh - what?" Rapid-fire River talk, full of technical jargon and delivered at the speed of sound. "River! You - you don't fix the Bible!" he finally yells at her. She stares back, confused. "It's broken. It doesn't make sense." Book sighs. "It's not about making sense. It's about...believing in something, and letting that belief be real enough to change your life. It's about faith. You don't fix faith, River - it fixes you."
     (A bar erupts in a ballad praising Jayne as a conquering folk hero.) "Um....Jayne?" "Yeah, Mal." "You...got any light to shed on this development?" "No, Mal," Jayne looks just as dumbfounded as the rest of them. "This must be what going mad feels like...." Simon mutters. After the song is finished, Wash says, "We gotta go to the crappy town where I'm a hero."
     "Y'know....you're pretty....pretty," Simon tells Kaylee. (They're both pretty drunk by now.) She looks at him, startled. "What? What did you say?" "Nothing. Just that you're pretty....even when you're all covered in engine grease."
     (Book had taken his hair out of the bun, which terrified the daylights out of River, so she's hiding.) "Please, won't you come out?" "No! Can't. Too much hair!" "Is that it?" he asks Zoe. She chuckles. "Hell yes, Preacher. If I didn't have stuff to get done, I'd be in there with her."
     "You confound me some, that's all," Kaylee tells Simon. "You like me well enough, we get along, and then you go all stiff-" (Simon tries to defend himself, too confounded to speak) "See? You're doing it right now. What's so damn important about bein' proper? Don't mean nothing out here in the black." He thinks for a minute. "It means more out here. It's all I have. My way of being...polite or whatever...it's the only way I have of showing that I like you. Of showing respect."