Definitions of Olympic Events

     I know, the London Games of 2012 ended about five months ago, and the Sochi Winter Games of 2014 won't be held until, well, over a year from now, and then we gotta wait until 2016(!!!) for the Rio Games....but, you just gotta love the Olympics, right? All those wacky sports, and the things-that-look-like-they-would-be-incredible-to-do-if-you-knew-you-wouldn't-get-hurt-attempting-them...and besides, in four years, we'll be wondering, "Now, what events are in the Olympics again...?"
     So, here's a refresher course on each event. Enjoy!

Archery - The act of launching a sharp stick like a missile at a target, easy to see progress if you practice semi-regularly. The way people have gotten food for thousands of years, and the reason so many men pretended to be Robin Hood or William Tell when they were little boys. Can be dangerous for nearby animals. Received a large spike in popularity from a series of superpopular, ultrairritating and poorly-written books, as well as a movie.

Badminton - That game that's sort of like tennis but wimpier, which no one really knows how to play, but it's always set up at picnics, and the little kids chase each other all around with the rackets while wondering why the ball-thing is called a "birdie", and what kind of bird it was made from.

Basketball - The best game in the world that was invented out of desperation by a preacher teaching a phys ed class using two old peach baskets. This led to the Harlem Globetrotters, "Hoosiers", Michael Jordan, ESPN becoming a dominant force in television, and the state of Oklahoma actually banding together for a common cause for six months of the year.

Beach Volleyball - All the cool factors of volleyball, but played barefoot in sand, which could, if one was scientifically-minded, lead to interesting experiments on how sand particles trap heat. Can lead to friendships being made or frantic prayer. Occasionally played in swimsuits.

Boxing - Where two guys beat each other up only by punching the other guy above the waist, and nobody else really cares or has any idea how the winner is decided.

Canoeing/Kayaking - Paddling a small boat as fast as possible without falling in the water. Sometimes used in sappy love scenes in romantic movies.

Cycling - Riding a bike really fast without falling over. Very hard and not much fun to do.

Diving - Something done only by insane people, leaping off a very high object head-first into very deep water. Boring to watch, the FCC should outlaw the televising of men's competitions.

Equestrian, aka "Riding Horses" - The only Olympic event involving animals, so that's kinda neat. But the dressing up in funny outfits and prancing around looks silly. Not practical at all, but the leaping-over-objects part looks fun.

Fencing, aka "Swordfighting" - They announce the combatants, who then stare at each other and say the immortal words: "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father, prepare to die." Except they can't actually hack each other to pieces, which would be bloody and gruesome and not make very good ratings at all...and they wear beekeeper suits. It would be much more interesting if they were allowed to wear costumes, or there was a mandatory exchange of witty dialogue, or if they could use lightsabers.

Field Hockey - Uh....hockey without ice? Sounds easy enough. But, wait...how do you play hockey?

Gymnastics - The always-entertaining showcase of skills that would hardly ever be practical in everyday life. Except for the balance beam. But really, how often are we required to know how to dance and do cartwheels, or hang perfectly still suspended in midair, or leap over random objects?

Handball - Another sport no one in the US or Canada knows what is. Although from what little I've heard of it, it sounds like Calvinball.

Judo - Kind of like boxing. Except instead of punching each other, you kick the other guy. And it sounds so much more impressive and scary if somebody says, "Oh, yeah, I know judo."

Modern Pentathalon - Five events of something or other. Not too large a following.

Rhythmic Gymnastics - Ballet dancing with sticks, little balls and streamers. Makes no sense at all.

Rowing - A great upper-body workout, used to move across water. Only used in ordinary life on floats along the river, which if taken in middle of summer are basically waterlogged hiking trips.

Sailing - Using outdated slow methods of sustainable green energy to see who can be the first to a certain point. Sort of like racing snails or turtles. Only rich people near the ocean can do this in normal times, thus 98.7% of the country has no interest whatsoever.

Shooting - Using a gun to hit a target. Much harder than archery, much more expensive, and more dangerous.

Soccer - The world's most popular sport, most people have played this as kids. Awesome to play, not as great to watch. Often used in sports movies.

Swimming - Seeing who can stay above the water and get out of it the fastest, only should be done in times of dire emergency.

Synchronized Swimming - Cloned dancing inside a swimming pool? Why?

Table Tennis, aka "Ping Pong" - One of the events played often by normal humans, although at a lot slower, less cool fashion. Good for catching up on news or solving problems, and when passionate enough about it, a fantastic cardio workout.

Tae-kwon-do - Some type of martial arts, can kill people. Interesting if demonstrated in talent shows.

Tennis - An awesome game that looks much easier than it actually is. Teaches you subtlety, that gentleness is more effective than forcing your way through to get things done. You can get a good tan playing it, terrific stress reliever.

Track(aka "Running") and Field - The Olympic discipline most in use by college students, getting from one place to another in as efficient a manner as possible. And running just makes you feel good! The other events, the "Field" part, focus on random things like leaping the farthest, throwing long spears or chunks of metal the longest distance, or using a flexible stick to leap over gigantic buildings in a single bound.

Trampolining - Yes, somehow this is an Olympic sport. What the thrill-seekers who terrify their moms with backflips do when they grow up. Very cool to watch.

Triathalon - The ultimate test of one's athleticism: Swimming a mile(!), then biking for a long ways, then running a marathon(!!). Few try it, which is why anyone who does automatically has their respect level go up about eight notches.

Volleyball - is awesome. Definitely teaches perseverance, is a great stress reliever, and a good way to meet new people. Played on many surfaces, including wood, concrete, linoleum, sand, gravel, and kitty litter. For some reason viewed as a girl's game.

Water Polo - The worst parts of nearly every ball game thrown together in a act of torture surely devised by Count Tyrone Rugen. Football or hockey without any sort of padding, where you can pummel people MMA-style without penalty, in the middle of a freaking pool?! Why not add sharks and pirahnas into the mix and have snipers shooting while they're at it? Seems horrendous to play, awful to watch.

Weightlifting - Large drug-users lifting impossibly heavy objects. Yawn.

Wrestling - The only event left from the Greek Olympics, but thankfully the participants wear clothes now, they try to trap ("pin") the other person to where they can't move. Doesn't involve a ball, so most people stay home instead of watching wrestling matches.