April Swirl

     It's mid-April already(or maybe that's "finally"? Been a long winter.) That means kittens, and goat-kids, and dandelions, and storms, and applying for next semester enrollment(Ugh.) and everyone on the planet getting engaged or married.

     It's kind of a time of new beginnings, a weird crashed collection of events new and familiar, normal and unusual all rearranging into some new puzzle that will lead into life over the next year.

     I enrolled for fall last Monday....wondering why I was doing this all the while, but, I don't know, I said I'd give it one year here, and I've nearly survived it. Pretty well scarred, but still breathing. God's been good, He'll carry me through this next semester too. Had that Steven Curtis Chapman song "Burn The Ships" stuck in my head, it fit well.

     It's been rough, and not much fun. It's been dark at times, and maddenly solitary nearly all the time, covered who knows how many miles along the streets of town.. But I think I've gotten stronger from this experience. Not sure how, but it's always hard to judge your own growth.
      Glad to have family like Louise and Harry or Grandpa and Robbie nearby, that's a blessing. Gotten to know Ryan and Shelly and their family, which is good. There's been a steady stream of encouragement from GBC people, and my camp friends.

      Cody got married last summer, Alton in November, Phil a couple months ago. Julie's getting marreid this summer. From YT, Katie got married almost a year ago, and Amanda F. and Railey both got engaged. From camp, a lot of the older people at first have gotten married. Rae. Rich. Luke. Matt J. Kelsie, too. Pippa and Joe M. are engaged, Daniel is getting married sometime soonish-to-be-determined.

      And it was one year ago that I graduated, wasn't it? Seems like shorter, seems like longer. Josh is graduating this year, so is Matt. And Ash made top of her class.

      Was talking to Jessica the other day, the topic turned to birthdays somehow. She was freaking out about turning 20 in a few weeks, she didn't feel ready, smart enough, or whatever. That got me to thinking, too. I turn 20 next month.
     Trevor asked me a question once while I was doing laundry one day, he said, "How long is it until you're twenty?" I think a minute. "About a year and a half, I guess." "Wow. I can't believe it - My brother being twenty...you'll probably, like, have kids or something by then!" [Time isn't exactly his strong point, neither is math.]
     It's a funny story, but it's got a point: Things are changing. Really fast. One of these days, I will actually get married, graduate college, etc. In the next year, there will be unknown adventures and trials to get through, that will shape me further into who I'm supposed to be. Wasn't expecting to have this much time to pray, how tightly I'd have to claw my fingernails into the truth of God's word to hang on, how to live life this alone. But it's been okay, in some strange way. Like during Mimi's sickness, or Dado's decline, through the fire, or senior year of high school, freshman year has been one of those tough places I'll look back on later and just marvel in amazement at what was happening.
     
      I wanted to escape so badly from here. I love the town, just detest the school. My dorm room isn't much, in the worst building on campus on arguably the worst floor, but it is a roof. The food may be horrible most of the time, and unhealthy always, but it's there to provide some nourishment. I may occasionally have to walk a mile to the gas station to get a decent meal, but I have two working legs and I haven't been hit by a car yet.  So why have I often still felt homeless?
      I'm not exactly sure. Maybe because I was thrust into an alien world, exploding with people and low on animals. Possibly because it seemed pretty Race of Joseph-less. Probably because of the apathy everywhere from everyone on everything that really means something. But while helping at that homeless shelter a few weeks ago, it somehow worked as a reset of my system. All the memories and flashbacks, being able to hear these people's stories, get to know and pray for them, in some way reminded me that "It will be all right. You got through the fire, I planned that out for your good, now just watch Me work this section of life out up ahead. Trust that I'll get you through." Isaiah 43:1-3 again.
      But...yeah, somehow I came back not as scared, uncertain. I'm stuck here for the time being, so I may as well try to make the best of it as far as possible, right? We'll see where life leads, what's around the next bend.
      Jessica said, in a kidding sort of way, "I don't wanna grow up! You can't make me!" "You don't have to, ya know." "Huh? What'd you mean?" Well...it's complicated. Or maybe it's actually very simple, and we invent the complexities. But, anyway...as far as I can explain it, it's like this: The things we learn as kids, the ideals and morals and models of the fairy tales and stories, those are the keys to understanding the life we live in as grownups. I don't have it completely figured out yet, but that's something I've discovered over the last few months. Actually, I'm writing an essay for my Comp II class on this topic, I'll need to post it on here when I get a chance. Except it's far too big for one essay. It seems too vast even for one entire book. But...anyway, we'll see. Hopefully I was able to get my point across without preaching, which seems utterly wrong, but that's how the rules work for right now.
     
      I really need to wind this post up and get started on a last-second effort to study for tomorrow's computer test, which will be on a dull irrelevant(for my major) topic of Access databases that I don't understand too well. And then there's an orthodonist appointment Tuesday, and a math test Thursday. Several stories for Basic Writing that need to be spun, and another essay to write after this one gets finished. And then there's.FINALS.

      Oh well. Worry about the next ten minutes, and then the next hour. Once those are done, begin again with that ten minutes....it'll be okay.

      "KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON." - English WWII propaganda poster.
      "JUST KEEP SWIMMING...." - Dory, Finding Nemo.
      "I THINK I CAN, I THINK I CAN, I THINK I CAN...." - The Little Engine That Could.
      "PUT ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER..." From the song in the TV special "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town".
       These are all phrases that students are reminding themselves of at the moment.