Like the listing of terrific Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. quotes from season one, only this time the show is Parks and Recreation.
Episode One: "Pilot".
"This is where the rubber of government meets the road! Of...actual human beings." - Leslie on her way into the public forum.
"These people are members of a community, that CARE about about where they live. So...what I hear when I...where I'm being yelled at, is people...caring...loudly...at me." - Leslie.
"Hi? Um, I'm Ann Perkins, I'm a nurse, and frankly, I don't really care for politics..." (Applause from other townspeople.)
"Tom and I work really well together. We're both outsiders. I'm a woman, and he's...well, I think he's a Libyan." - Leslie. "I'm from Bennettsville, South Carolina, and I'm what you might call a 'redneck'."
"Committees are the lifeblood of our democratic system. That's really good! Write that down." - Leslie. "Let's see....umm...'Committees cover our democracy with blood.'" - Tom.
"That Parks lady is coming over in a little bit, and we're gonna go take a look at the pit. I think it's probably just a photo op for her - I don't think anyone in government actually cares about..." - Ann.
"At least you fell in, too; that's pretty awesome." - Andy to Leslie.
"I don't know....she's a little doofy, but she's sweet." - Ann, about Leslie.
"I've been quite open about this around the office. I don't want the Parks Department to build any parks, because I believe that all government is a waste of taxpayer money." - Ron.
"She's insatiable...she's like a little dog with a chew toy!" - Ron. (And he would know about persistent females...)
"Leslie is...unique. Government work can wear you down. I would say that I lost my optimism about it in...two months. Leslie's kept hers for six years." - Mark.
"....Wow." - Ann frowning at one of the hideous City Hall murals. "That is..horrifying."
"You know what? America is awesome. It's so full of hope. And small towns. And big cities. And real people, and delicious beverages and hot guys." - Leslie. (She's drunk.)
Episode Two: "Canvassing".
"Well, one of the funner things we do in Pawnee is the annual Easter Egg hunt. It was Tom's job to hide the eggs this year, and I've got to say, he did a remarkable job. I've been hunting for twenty-five minutes and I still haven't found a single egg. And I'm an adult!" - Leslie. "Oh, yeahh...I forgot to do that..."
"Wow...this is really thorough." - Ann on first meeting one of Leslie's binders.
(Tom runs away from the canvassers.) "He runs weird." - April. "He really does." - Mark.
"That's a good idea. But I'm just not sure." - Old Man. "About which part?" - Ann. "Turning the pit into a park." "That's kind of the whole thing."
"'Wouldn't you rather have a park than a storage facility for hazardous waste?'" Ann reads Leslie's survey. "That seems iffy." "No, don't worry about it; I made it all up." "Yeah, that's what I mean..."
"Do you have a nurse's costume?" - Leslie asks Ann. "You mean, like, scrubs?" "Yeah! Put those on!" (They walk into Ann's house, where Mark and April are playing "Rock Band" with Andy.)
"Why do I want to build this park so bad?" Leslie monologues. "Maybe because a pit filled with garbage isn't the best we can do in America. You know, in Russia they could pretend that pit was a park. Bring their kids down there...'Hey, Vlad, look at these rocks! We can pretend they're potatoes. Nicolai, do you want to swim in the dirt?' But not here, okay? Cause we're a nation of dreamers."
"Are you sweating through your suit?" - Ron asks Leslie. "I doubt it. It's a very breathable fab - Huh. Look at that. I am."
"Now, there were a lot of people that I spoke to who are passionately in support of this park. None of them were able to make it this evening, unfortunately...but...they totally exist." - Leslie at a public forum.
"Uh...it is not going well at all. It's going very poorly. Like, you're crashing and burning-" - Ron. "Democracy is happening. People are talking. And at least they're not apathetic, right?" - Leslie. "You are right about that. They are deeply negative."
"You know, normally, I do not agree with Leslie on anything. But she's right, this book is awesome." - Tom holds up a copy of The Phantom Tollbooth.
Episode Three: "The Reporter".
"Okay, now, see, here's a good example of a plant you can't eat. See all the spikes? So, two things: One, it's poisonous, and two, it would hurt." - Jerry.
"The press is a weapon! And you can use it to either kill people, or feed people." - Leslie.
"Hi, I'm looking for Leslie Knope?" - Shauna. (April just stares at her.) "Okay."
"What are you doing?!" - Tom asks. "Kicking Ron's butt at Scrabble. Just played 'lexicons' for a billion points." - April. "Oh, come on....'lateral'? 'Communal'? 'Zonal'? You dropped a Z in there?!" (She shrugs and walks away.)
"...But that stuff was off the record." - Mark, talking about his comments to Shauna about the park. "Did you say it was off the record?" - Ann. "Do you have to say it was off the record?"
"Ron, it wasn't me. April got into my computer and played a couple words....I don't even know what lexicons are! I thought that was a type of luxury automobile." - Tom. "I knew that couldn't have been you. You don't have the vocabulary."
"I like Tom. He's always late, he's not a team player, he shows zero initiative, he's never one to go that extra mile. Tom is exactly what I'm looking for in a government employee." - Ron.
Episode Four: "Boys' Club".
"So, I asked April to create a social media Internet profile for the Sullivan Street pit." - Leslie. "Hey, look! The pit already has six friends!" - Ann.
(Looking at Mark's profile.) "Maybe...those are his relatives." Leslie. "Yeah, maybe fake boobs run in his family." - Ann.
"Natalie....IT"S YOUR SISTER. PICK ME UP, or I'm GONNA DRAW ALL OVER YOUR JEANS." - April. (She's drawing on the jeans with a marker while talking.)
"Doing an experiment to see what'll get me drunker...Drinking wine, or not drinking wine. Right now, drinking wine is winning." - April.
"Leslie has never broken a rule in her life, to the point where it's annoying. If you want to slap her on the wrist, go right ahead. If you want to do anything more serious, you're gonna have to go through me." - Ron at a deposition.
Episode Five: "The Banquet".
"This wooded area is the spot of the murder, actually, of Nathaniel Bixby Mark, he was a pioneer who was killed by a tribe of Wamapoke Indians after he traded them a baby for what is now Indianapolis. They cut his face off. Then they made it into a dreamcatcher. And they made his legs into rain sticks. And that was the great thing about Indians, back then; they used every part of the pioneer." - Leslie.
(Leslie had gone to Ron's favorite barber shop for a haircut; April looks aghast.) "Hello...sir."
"Wow." (Tom is stunned by Leslie's haircut, as is everyone else.) "I mean, Ann, you look stunning; but Leslie...wow."
(Leslie introduces Ann to her mother Marlene; Marlene gets the wrong idea, like everyone else, on seeing Leslie's terrible haircut. Ann is flustered beyond belief.) "Yeah. Yeah, right. Leslie and I are just friends. I have a boyfriend. He's a man."
"If there was a Tellison Award for hooking up with trashy chicks, you would have several of those awards!" - Tom to Mark. (The Tellison Award is kind of a lifetime achievement deal given to the slimiest members of the Pawnee government. Marlene has been the most recent nominee, thus the banquet of the disastrous haircut.)
Episode Six: "Rock Show".
(Andy gets his casts removed from both legs, Tom and Leslie are with him and Ann celebrating the event.) "Wow...it's like a sweaty pinata." - Tom. "Hey, my iPod!" - Ann.
"What kind of music does your band play?" - Mark. "I don't like to define it, but it's like Matchbox Twenty meets The Fray." - Andy. "So....rock." - Tom. "Well, again, I don't really like to define it..." "I totally get what you mean." - April.
"There used to be this huge speed bump in the middle of town, and nobody was doing anything about it. So I did something about it, and it got lowered two inches. Apparently my level of influence in the local government can literally be measured." - Mark.
"Andy wrote this new song about what happened to him, it's called 'The Pit'. It's one of those rare songs that rocks really hard and also informs about a small public works project." - Ann.
"The band has had a few different names over the years. We started, we were Teddy Bear Suicide, but then we changed it to Mouse Rat, then we were God Hates Figs, the Department of Homeland Obscurity, Flames for Flames, Muscle Confusion, Nothing Rhymes With Orange, then Everything Rhymes With Orange, Punch-Face Champions, Rad Wagon, Puppy Pendulum, Possum Pendulum, Penis Pendulum, Hand-Rail Suicide, Angel Snack, Just the Tip, Fourskin, Threeskin, uh...Jet Black Pope, we went back to Mouse Rat, and now we are Scarecrow Boat." - Andy. (The best part; he adlibbed like two hundred names when filming this scene.)
"Apparently tonight I'm the Parks Department's seventh wheel." - Mark.
(Mark and Leslie are drunk and throwing beer bottles into the pit. Well, Mark is. Leslie's trying and failing miserably.) "Unbelievable You missed the entire pit. Which is huge, by the way!" - Mark.
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