Parks and Rec Quotes - Season Three, Part One

     Recapping the best quotes of Parks and Recreation's third season starts NOW.

Episode One, "Go Big or Go Home".
     "Ron. We're back!!!" - Leslie. "...Bully." - Ron.
     "The bankrupt government of Pawnee has been shut down all summer, for the past three months it's been no work, no meetings, no late nights, no memos, nothing. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy." - Leslie.
     "Apparently in Indiana, you have to provide a basketball league, 'cause if you don't people get very upset....and, quite frankly, throw things at you and call you names. Like 'Turd-Boy'. But, whatever - Point is, I reinstated youth basketball." - Ben. "This says here that there's only enough money for two teams?" - Leslie. "Yeah. They're gonna develop a great rivalry."
     "Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys into men, from men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.  Behold: The Swanson Pyramid of Greatness." (Which consists of the following categories, in order from bottom, left to right: Frankness, Capitalism, Facial Hair, Living In the Woods, Rage, Security, Poise, Handshakes, Body Grooming on bottom row, Friends, Property Rights, Masonry, Cabins, Perspiration, You, Crying, Physical Fitness on the next-to-bottom row, Intensity, Torso, Old Wooden Sailing Ships, B.O., Stillness, Skim Milk, Cursing on next row, Cow Protein, Pig Protein, Chicken Protein, Romantic Love, Deer Protein, Fish on next row, Discipline, Attire, Self-Reliance, Suspicion, Skim Milk on next-highest row, Teamwork, Selfishness, Haircuts and Greatness Itself on the row above that, with Weapons, Woodworking and Welfare Avoidance next highest, America and Buffets are next to the top, with Honor as the peak.)
     "Crying: Acceptable only at funerals and the Grand Canyon." - Ron explaining one of the categories of the Swanson Pyramid of Success.
     "I'd say my coaching style is...centered around fundamentals. With an emphasis on 'FUN'!" - Andy. "And a second emphasis on 'mental'....Yeah, it can be hard, but every time one of these kids looks me in the eye and he calls me 'Coach,' that's how I know: I agreed to be a coach."
     "I love dates. I love connecting with someone; I love engaging them, I love being surprised by them...I have never had a bad date. They've all been either great or phenomenally great!" - Chris
     "So you asked him about the budget yet?" - Leslie, on phone. "Well, no; it's a little hard to bring up the Parks Department budget when you're talking about your favorite movies..." - Ann. "Jurassic Park; parks are so great; parks budget. There, I just did it for you in three moves." "Well....why don't you ask himself yourself, then?" (Leslie slams into Ann from nowhere.) "Okay, then! I will!" "Holy crap...."
     (Wendy kisses Ron; Tom sees and blows his referee's whistle.) "That's a foul!" "What? On whom?" Coach Ron asks, irate. "On your team. On Number 50 over there. For double dribbling." "He's on defense!" "Exactly. That's a technical difficulty, so Andy's team gets to throw the ball from the stripey thing. Let's go!" (Ron, to himself.) "...'The stripey thing'?"
     "That's a foul, for roughing the passer! That's a foul, for, uh....for touchin' the basketball!" -Tom
     "I dedicate this win to April Ludgate, and it feels good! ...And it also feels sticky...you know, from the Gatorade." - Andy, after the 22-10 win for the Blue team over the Red.
     "Leslie asked me to do her a favor, and I love her, so I did it. I'm sorry, and I'm here to eat crow. ...I like you a lot, so...let's go out again." - Ann to Chris.

Episode Two, "Flu Season".
     "There is a crazy flu going around, so everyone is dehydrated and miserable, with a high fever and diarrhea. And one of those dehydrated, high-fevered, miserable people is April....who hates me." - Ann.
     "I want a new nurse." - April. "...Well, there are none. We're stretched pretty thin right now." - Ann. "Then I want a janitor. They can do what you can, right?" "Yep....janitors and nurses are totally interchangeable..." "Except that nobody dresses up like a janitor on Halloween when they want to be slutty." "I get the sense that maybe you're mad at me for kissing Andy..." "No, I'm not! What are you talking about? That's crazy." "...and that you think it might be fun to take it out on me. Please don't do that." "'Do'? I can't do anything. I'm sick." (Ann turns to leave; immediately gets buzzed again.) "My blankets are on the floor," April scowls.
     "....Sure. Anything for my favorite customer." - J.J. "Aw. I bet you say that to all the girls." - Leslie. "No, actually you are my favorite. You spent over a thousand dollars last year on waffles alone."
     "Here." (Ron plunks grocery sack onto April's bed.) "I didn't know what to get you, so I just got some magazines and lipstick. Woman stuff." "Thanks. All my parents got me was that," she nods at enormous teddy bear. "Okayyyy. Well. I am not very good at visiting people in hospitals, so I'm going to go."
     "The less I know about other people's affairs, the happier I am. I'm not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had! We still never talk sometimes." - Ron.
     "My body is like a microchip, and the flu is like a grain of sand. It could literally take down the entire system." - Chris.
     "We've been on a couple dates. I really like him. The problem is....he's like the perfect...human...man. I can't find one flaw! ...There was one time I thought he farted....but it was me..." - Ann, about Chris.
     "Now, I know I'm not gonna find someone who's both aggressively mean and apathetic. April really is the whole package. But I think I know someone who will be just as uneffective...." - Ron.
     "Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here, and it says you could have....'network connectivity problems.'" - Andy.
     "104.1? Leslie, you're dehydrated. I'm admitting you." - Ann. "If I was sick, could I do this?" (She just sits there, eyes glassy. Ann and Ben stare.) "What are you doing?" - Ann. "Cartwheels. Am I not doing them?"
     "It's not that I don't trust Ben...it's that I don't have faith in Ben...And also I'm starting to forget who 'Ben' is." - Leslie.
     "I know what she's trying to do. She's tryin' to get me to break, and ya know what? I'm not gonna do it!" Ann smiles during an interview. "I'm gonna be professional, and I'm gonna put on a happy face, and then I'm gonna go into a supply closet and snap a bunch of tongue depressors!"
     "I'll just go to Big Head Joe's. They have the most insane burritos." - Andy. "I don't go much for ethnic food." - Ron. "Trust me. They have something called the 'Meat Tornado', literally killed a guy last year." "You had me at 'Meat Tornado'." (Andy gallops off clumsily.)
     "I bring a certain...panache and style to the spa experience for these guys. Before I joined, they were just three old white dudes quietly boiling alive in hot water." - Tom.
     "I like Andy. I'm surrounded by a lot of women in this department. And that includes the men." - Ron.
     "Hey April! I saw that you called for me. What can I do for you?" Ann asks mock-brightly. "I need more flu medicine." "...Oh. An actual request. ...Well, you can't have any. That stuff is powerful; so no extra doses." "I didn't take any...Leslie came in here and stole it and left." (Ann begins frantic search throughout hospital.)
     "Okay, it's showtime," (Leslie, delirious, addresses wall.) "Good evening, all of you. I'm Leslie Monster, and this is Nightline." "Okayyy....I wouldn't open with that..." - Ben.
     "Nothing like a complete physical breakdown to make a guy seem less intimidating. I love the flu!" - Ann, about Chris.
     "Three....two....one....and my shift's over! WHAT THE F--- IS YOUR PROBLEM?!!!" - Ann. "Whoa...I thought you weren't gonna lose it?" April grins. "WHILE I WAS ON DUTY I DIDN'T! Now it's just me. I get that you're mad that I kissed Andy, okay? But it was a moment of confusion, and it was a mistake, and I'm very sorry. You wanna hate me forever?" "Okay." "Fine! You know what, I don't care! But you shouldn't take it out on Andy because he really likes you and he did nothing wrong! And just for the record, I'm starting to hate you, too!" (She storms out of room.) "That's the most I've ever liked Ann."
     "That was amazing. That was...a flu-ridden Michael Jordan in the 1998 NBA Finals. That was....Kirk Gibson, hobbling up to the plate and hitting a home run off Dennis Eckersley. That was...." (Ben shakes his head in wonder.) "That was Leslie Knope."
     (Andy kisses the sleeping April's forehead gently.) "Gross...your forehead's all sweaty. But I still like you anyway. Ew, that's disgusting...." (He walks out of her room, April opens her eyes and smiles in weary triumph.)

Episode Three, "Time Capsule".
     (Leslie is reading every town slogan Pawnee has ever had.) "'Pawnee: The Paris of America.' 'Pawnee: The Akron of Southwest Indiana.' 'Pawnee: Welcome, German soldiers!' After the Nazis took France, our mayor kinda panicked. 'Pawnee: The Factory Fire Capital of America.' 'Pawnee: Welcome, Vietnamese soldiers!' 'Pawnee: Engage with Zorp!' For a brief time in the 70's, our town was taken over by a cult. 'Pawnee: Zorp is dead. Long live Zorp.' 'Pawnee: It's safe to be here now.' 'Pawnee: Birthplace of Julia Roberts.' That was a lie; she sued, and so we had to change it. 'Pawnee: Home of the World Famous Julia Roberts lawsuit.' "Pawnee: Welcome, Taliban soldiers!' and finally, our current slogan: 'Pawnee: First in Friendship, Fourth in Obesity.'"
     "...and you can quote me on that." - Leslie. "Oh, I'm actually gonna quote you on all of this, because it's a newspaper article." - Shauna.
     "Ah, you are the person who's been emailing me about Twilight!" Leslie says to a man named Kelly Larsen. "I thought you would be younger....and a girl."
     "He brought handcuffs with him! This whole thing was planned!" - Leslie complains to Ron and April. "I think it's kinda cool." - April. "It's not cool. It's trespassing, and that is breaking the rules. Cool people make the rules, not break the rules. And if those kids want you to break the rules, then they're not really your friends!" Leslie slips into Mom Mode. "Whoa...who are you even talking about?" April looks unsure whether to be amused or offended. "I don't know. But while we're on the subject, your friend Orin, with the long black nails and the cloak, he concerns me."
     (Ron pulls out a hacksaw, Leslie dials security, Ben enters room and immediately looks alarmed. "Guys, can we push the meeting back an hour.....What is going on?" "Some guy handcuffed himself to a chair in my office because we won't put a copy of Twilight in the time capsule." - Leslie. "Damn it....again?"
     "I didn't know what to do with these....I think they're gloves?" - Andy. "No, no, no! Those are sport sandals, and they're used for adventure racing. They perfectly contour to the human foot, and the human foot is the ultimate technology." - Chris. "Dude...that is the coolest sentence I've ever heard somebody talk."
     "Hey, how about this headline: 'Parks Department Foiled by Pipe Dreams'!" - Shauna. "...That's an amazing headline, but please don't write that story..." - Leslie.
     "You know, it's weird...I've been to a lot of towns...usually people don't care about anything. I mean, don't get me wrong, they're weirdos, but they're....weirdos that care." - Ben, about Pawnee. 

Episode Four, "Ron and Tammy, Part 2".
     "APRIL!" Chris hollers. She pokes her head in the doorway tentatively. "....Did you call me?" "I did! You have very good ears."
     "Hey, I don't suppose you'd want to....move to Canada?" Wendy asks Ron, who thinks that's the most hilarious thing ever.
     "Wendy's moving back to Canada. And I'd just taught her to whittle. She made me this tiny sharpened stick." - Ron. "I'm gonna tell you what I tell all my girlfriends when they get dumped: Men are dogs." "Thank you, Leslie. That does not apply to this situation. But thank you."
     "I know Tammy seems scary, but really she's just a manipulative psychotic library-book-peddling sex-crazed she-demon." - Leslie.
     (Interview segment with five police officers after Tammy Two slaps Ron.) "Basically what we have here is a dispute of a domestic nature-" "-White male, about 40, 45-" "Caucasian male, stocky build-" "approximately 5'10"-" "-verbal altercation transpired at approximately 8:55 p.m. with female unsub, appears to be slightly intoxicated, and claims to be an ex-spouse. Real piece of work." "Real piece of work." "Real piece of work." "Real piece of work."
     "Ron. I love you like a brother, but right now, I hate you. Like, my actual brother, Levondrius. Who I hate." - Donna.
     "Hi.Chris, uh...Ron Swanson has sent me over to deliver this document..." - Andy. Chris takes piece of paper and reads, "'To Whom It May Concern: Dear Chris, There is an emergency regarding the Parks Department and April may just be the only person that can help. I can't get into details because it's super-classified. Please release April back to us permanently. God Bless America. Love, Burt Macklin, FBI.'"
     "Say no more. Leslie Knope gets all the favors she needs." - Chief Trumple. "Can I ask why?" - Ben. "Because she's the kind of person who uses favors to help other people."

Episode Five, "Media Blitz".
     "I'm gonna type every word I know! Rectangle! America! Megaphone! Monday! Butthole!" - Ron, joyfully.
     "You can't go to Indianapolis! There's gotta be something that I can do to convince you how much I care about you. Tell me your least favorite things to do everyday and I'll do them for a month." - Andy. "Fine. If you do everything I hate, for a month, then I might begin to think about the possibility of thinking about maybe staying." - April.
     "No, I don't care about their relationship. I just don't want to lose April. I would never be able to find a worse assistant." - Ron.
     "Okay, this next task is a school photography assignment....can you figure that out?" - Andy. "Hmm. 'Encapsulate the spirit of melancholy.' Easy." (Ron snatches up camera.) "Boom. Sad desk. Boom. A sad wall." (Andy stares at him.) "It's art. Anything is anything." "Boom. Sad floor." (Ron leaves his office, Andy inspects carpet.) "It does look kinda sad..."
     (Everyone is berating Ben for falling apart on Perd Hapley's talk show once the "Mayor of Icetown" thing was brought up. Ben just looks miserable. So of course Ron snaps his picture.) "Sadness."
     "Do you fish, April?" - Ron. "No. Fish are gross." "Let me give you a piece of fishing advice:" "I said I don't-"When you have a fish on the line, you don't just drag it behind the boat. You either reel it in, or you cut him loose. Specially if he's a nice fish, with a a big lovable fish heart." "You don't know what you're talking about." "Maybe not. Maybe you do really hate Andy. Maybe moving to Indianapolis just to get revenge on him is a really good idea. What do I know?"
     "So....you're leaving soon." - Ann. "Yes, back to Indianapolis briefly, and then on to a little town called Snurling, Indiana, for several months." - Chris. "Never heard of it." "It's quite small. The cows outnumber the people forty to one. Sounds amazing." "...I like you a lot. I....I love spending time with you." "And I thoroughly enjoy you, Ann Perkins."
     "Yeah, I just looked you up on Alta Vista, and the last seven towns you visited went bankrupt." - Caller on Pawnee Today to Ben. "Okay, first off, why does everyone in this town use Alta Vista? Is it....1997? And second, I am a budget specialist. I went to those towns because they were bankrupt, and now they aren't. And about Icetown; I was eighteen. Who doesn't do dumb stuff when they're eighteen?! Joan?" "I...stole my gym teacher's husband." (Ben blinks.) "So....there you go." "WELL! What else you got, callers?" - Leslie guides the conversation back on track.

Episode Six, "Indianapolis".
     "I don't know! I guess we're dating? It's - whatever. I don't like labels. Go away!" April walks away from the interview instead, grinning.
     "Okay, yeahh, that....might actually work." - Ben, on hearing one of Tom's terrible ideas.
     "Is everything okay?" - April to Andy. "Um...it kinda sucks that I'm super broke. And I wanna buy you stuff and it's embarrassing that I can't." "I'm broke, too. And I don't want anything; I just wanna hang out with you. Plus I can get free drinks anytime I want." "You can? How?" "Uh....I'm a girl, in a sleazy club."
     (Ron to Leslie, after she's been interrogating Chris about a pink razor in his bathroom.) "Did you forget how to have a conversation?"
     "No, I'm not cheating on you. But I'm also not dating you....we broke up last week." -Chris to Ann.
     "Yeah, so, here's what happened. Sweet and beautiful Ann has never been dumped before, and Chris is just such a positive person, when he broke up with her she just didn't realize it." - Leslie.
     "Just..give me all the bacon and eggs that you have. Wait, wait. I worry what you just heard was 'Give me a lot of bacon and eggs'. What I said was, 'Give me all the bacon and eggs that you have.' Do you understand?" - Ron.

Episode Seven, "Harvest Festival".
     "Ladies and gentlemen: The world-famous Li'l Sebastian!" - Leslie. "WHAT?" -Tom, everyone else goes berserk. "No way!" "That's awesome!", etc. "It's really him!" - Andy. "That's really Li'l Sebastian!" - Tom. "Oh my gosh!" "Take my picture with him!" - Andy. "Well done, Leslie. WELL DONE!" - Ron. "I'm sitting next to Li'l Sebastian right now. I'm here, and he's right there." - Tom. More marveling by everyone at the amazingness of this huge event. "Sooo.....what am I missing? What's so amazing about this pony?" Ben wonders. "He's not a pony, man! He's a mini horse. There's a big difference!" Tom snaps, offended. "Well, then, why is he so famous? ...Does he...does he do something? What does he do?" "YEAH. He does 'being a mini horse.' And he does it better than anyone," April says emphatically. "Son, this horse has an honorary degree from Notre Dame," Ron explains. More marveling; Leslie and Jerry remind everyone that he's 25 now, and suffering from a variety of ailments, including diabetes and cataracts. "Isn't it amazing?!" Leslie says for the millionth time. "Yeah....it's just - I don't get what the big deal is." - Ben. (He instantly gets death glares from everyone else.) "GET OUT." - Leslie.
     "Li'l Sebastian made his debut at the last Harvest Festival in 1987. He was an instant phenomenon. That week, he was the eight-most photographed object in America." - Leslie.
     A Pawnee citizen is trying to put her salad stand on Deep-Fried Buelevard, since there's so little chance to be healthy when it comes to Pawnee fast food. Leslie quickly nixes that idea. "Yeah, well, we're trying to make money, not make people hate themselves."
     Ben is admiring Leslie's ability to get things done. In this case, meetings with citizens hoping to sell things at the Harvest Festival. With a huge goofy smile on his face - "Man, you are just knocking these off like a ninja....crossed with a Jedi or somethin'..." Tom, unmpressed - "You're like a nerd...mixed with a dork or somethin'..."
     "There are two things that I know about white people: They love Rachael Ray, and they are terrified of curses." - Ken Hotate, chief of the Wamapoke Indian tribe.
     "...Joan is always looking for a scandal. She's like an eagle-eyed tiger." - Leslie. "Eagle-Eyed Tiger! New band name! I call it!" - Andy.
     "Hey....whatever happened with you and the Bionic Man?" - Donna. "Chris? He broke with me, but he did it so nicely that I didn't even realize he did it." - Ann.
     Ben and Leslie are showing an unimpressed Joan Callamezzo around the Harvest Festival. "And over there we've got Li'l Sebastian," Leslie grins. "ARE YOU F------- KIDDING ME?!!!!!!!"All traces of Joan's personality are gone as she rushes with glee to get a better view.
     "I swear, it's almost like they don't want you to win!" - Andy playing a ring-toss game. "Well....you better practice. You gotta win me a teddy bear." - April grins. "I'm gonna win you a million teddy bears." "Well, I want a billion teddy bears." "Well, that's a little unrealistic. This is a hard game. Two million." "Deal." They kiss. "Hey. I love you," she says.
     "Um....this is bad, right?" - Ben. (Tom has just let Li'l Sebastian escape.) "Yes, this is bad. This is like - a poop tornado!" - Leslie. "Okay, gross, but we can work with this."
     "Pawnee is an incredibly superstitious town. A traveling magician came through one time and he pulled a rabbit out of a hat, and the mob burned him at the stake for being a witch." - Leslie during interview segment. (Cut to mural of said witch-burning in mall parking lot.) "The year was 1973."
     "You know where I would hide if I were a horse? The merry-go-round! Think about it. You could just stand still next to all the other horses and nobody would ever know!" - Andy.
     "Okay, I'd like to start by addressing some of the FALSE rumors about the festival," Leslie talks with the media. "First of all we have plenty of food, there has been no food shortage. There are not, as one reporter suggested, dozens of escaped convicts roaming about the carnival. And at NO TIME was any Parks Department worker, quote, FEASTING ON PETTING-ZOO ANIMALS. Yes, Perd?" "Yes, uh, the statement that this reporter has is a question..."
     Subtitles appear in as Ken does a tribal dance in front of the media while spouting Wamapoke gibberish: "I am not saying anything. Just making up words! No one can understand me anyway."
     "It took us four hours to solve that corn maze, and it took the horse fifteen minutes. Jerry's still out there." - Ron. "I should probably go look for him....after I finish a bratwurst."
     A hunky guy says he doesn't have Ann's phone number. "Um...yeah....that's because I didn't give it to you."

Episode Eight, "Camping".
     "What portion of this camping trip will take place outside?" - April. "All of it!" - Leslie. "Pass." "Can't pass, it's a mandatory work retreat."
     April walks up to Andy's shoeshine stand. "Hey, you gotta hear this hilarious story he was tellin' me! Go ahead, tell her what happened." "My identity was stolen." - Kyle.
     "Well, we should catch up sometime." - Chris. "Yeah, we should ketchup and mustard." - Ann. "I relish your wit." (He leaves, to his retreating back) "Yeah, I....salsa...your face." She frowns at whatever that attempt at language was supposed to be.
     "Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga, except I still get to kill something." - Ron, looking genuinely happy.
     "I'll just take this spot on the floor here." - Ben, dropping his sleeping bag on some leaves. "It's called the ground when it's outside." - Ron.
     "What did Jay-Z, Lil Wayne and Drake all have in common?" - Tom. "Oh, I know this one! They are all rappists." - Jerry.
     "I don't even wanna be here. The air is too fresh, it's disgusting, I can't breathe! There's a brook somewhere that won't stop babbling. SHUT UP!" - April.
     "Andy. You have to save me. I'm camping with people I work with." - April.
     Jerry is worrying loudly about his daughter possibly being sexually active, distracting Ron from trying to fish. "You know what I ought to do? I ought to lead a teen abstinence workshop!" - Jerry. "That might be incredibly effective." - Ron.
     "You know, I've never moved this slowly before. It's kind of like being stranded in quicksand." - Chris, walking through the woods at night with Ann.
     The gang is now staying at a creepy old inn after the whole "camping" thing didn't work out. "Hey." - Ron. "Hey, can't sleep?" -Leslie. "No. My room is filled with cat hairs. And cat smell. And actual cats. Roughly twelve cats." "Mm. Sounds delightful." (Ron then locks Leslie in a closet to get her to stop thinking about work for a minute, since all episode she's been out of ideas. She wakes up with tons of ideas in the morning. Ron's an awesome boss.)