The second half of recapping the best quotes and quips from season three of Parks and Recreation.
Episode Nine, "Andy and April's Fancy Party":
"It's a whole new Ann Perkins. I'm putting myself out there, meeting some new people, having some casual fun....and it is...awkward."
"Hey gang!" - Chris. "Hey! What'd you bring?" - Leslie. "I was in charge of the cake! To be fair, it's not so much a cake as it is a vegetable loaf. You got your mushrooms, your alfalfa sprouts, your spinach...AND, I had it sweetened with fruit reduction." "But did they ask you to bring a vegetable loaf, or a cake?" - Ron. "No, a cake. But this is so much healthier." "So not only does this thing exist, but now you have deprived everyone of cake!" "Take a walk, Ron," Leslie advises.
"Andy, I think maybe you should put some more food out..." Leslie poking through the fridge in the kitchen. "Totally agree! That's why I'm putting the Bagel Bites out now." (April crashes in to model a dress, Andy hides his face behind a pan.) "What'd you think?" she asks. "April! You're not supposed to let me see you!" "No, no, come on. This is important. You have to tell me if I look good." "Hey. Guys. What's goin' on?" Leslie asks. "Uhh....well, it was supposed to be a big surprise, but tonight April and I are getting married. To each other." (Leslie looks horrified.) "Is...April pregnant?" "Yes." "Yes?" - Andy. "No!" "Are you sick? Are you terminal? Is it like that movie A Walk to Remember?" Leslie asks. "Yes." "What?" - Andy. "No," April snaps. "...Why are you doing this? Why is this great thing happening?" Leslie wants to know. "Well, it's actually this really funny story. We were hanging out, and suddenly, I was like, 'What if we got married tomorrow?' And she was like..." "'Fine.'"
"One time I fell madly in love with a Civil War reenactor that I had only known for six hours, and then I found out that he wore those clothes all the time! And he was married. But - the clothes thing really bothered me!" - Leslie.
"No, Orin, I don't know how I'm going to die..." Ben frowns. "Wait. Are you asking me or telling me?" "Hey, can I talk to you for a second?" - Leslie grabs Ben. "Yes, please!" "Andy and April are about to get married." "Wow. my Brita filter is older than their relationship."
"Attention everybody! Mesdames and...messuas? If you would do me the....obligation...of...having your honor. Heretofore. In the room, doth right over there, uh...hence!" - Andy. "What?" - Ron. "Big event in that room in fifteen minutes."
(The vows.) "I guess I kind of hate most things, but I never really seemed to hate you. So....I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Is that cool?" - Ann. "Yes, that's cool! Is it my turn now?" - Andy. "Yes," the Justice of the Peace nods. "April: You are the most awesome person I have ever met in my entire life. I vow to protect you from danger, and I don't care if I have to fight an ultimate fighter, or a bear, or him(points at Justice of the Peace, who is a woman), or your mom, but I would take 'em down." "Andy..." "I'm gettin' mad right now even thinking about it, I'm telling you-" "It's okay....Andy, it's okay." "I want to spend the rest of my life, every minute of it, with you. And I'm the luckiest man in the galaxy."
"You wouldn't've been able to stop it, ya know." - Ron to Leslie. "I could've yelled something. Or tackled someone." "But ya didn't, because deep down, you knew it wouldn't've mattered. Those kids are gonna do what they wanna do." "They may have just ruined their lives on an impulse decision." "Leslie, I got married twice. Both times I was a lot older than those two, and both marriages ended in divorce. And a burning effigy.... Who's to say what works? You find somebody you like and you roll the dice. It's all anybody can do." "Wait...weren't you married three times?"
"My sister is lame, but Andy is kind of cool. I guess I can kind of see why she'd marry him." - Natalie giving a toast at the reception.
"Hey." - April. "Don't worry....I'm not going to say another word. This is your day." - Leslie. "I just wanted to say...that I'm really glad you're here, I think you're awesome, and I love you." (April gives her a hug.)
"What's the deal with that hot girl April?" - Harris the Stoner from Animal Control. "What's the deal with her?" - Ben repeats, not understanding. "Yeah. Like, is she good to go? Down to clown?" "She's married," Ben answers, shocked. Harris looks puzzled. "She got married like twenty minutes ago," Ben explains. "Oh, she's the same girl from that thing!" "From the wedding ceremony, yeah." "All the good ones are taken, huh, bro?" (Ben stares at Leslie.) "Yeah."
(The gang is watching a video update from Andy and April on their honeymoon.) "Told you all it would last more than a week. You owe me twenty bucks." - Ron.
Episode Ten, "Soulmates":
"Okay, then. A cookoff in the courtyard this afternoon. If I win, burgers remain in the commissary." - Ron. "What do I get if I win?" Chris asks. "The rarest jewel of all: Victory over me, Ron Swanson." "I like that!"
(Ron looks at note April scribbled.) "Who is 'Forp'?" "I don't know. I couldn't really hear him, it sounded like his name was Forp." "Did you get his number?" "No," she snorts. "Good girl."
(Ann is setting up a dating profile for Leslie.) "Describe your ideal man," Ann instructs. "He's dark and mysterious, and he can sing. And he plays the organ." "I think you just described the Phantom of the Opera."
(It's time to grocery shop for the big cookoff.) "Would you like to try our vegan bacon? It's 100% meatless." - Clerk at Grain 'N Simple. "Yes please." - Ron. (He then dumps sample in trash.) "Another, please." (He does same thing.) "Sir....is there a problem?" "I'm just making sure that no one ever has to eat this." "I'm sorry, sir, but I don't think I can give you any more." "I want one," April says. (She then tosses it into trash.)
"Wow....look at this! Fresh lettuce is my all-time favorite food. What's your favorite food?" Chris to Andy. "Oh, I take Skittles and I put it between two Starbursts. Know what I call it?" "Skittle sandwich!" "...That's pretty good. No, I call it Andy's Mouth Surprise. It's nice because the flavor of the Starbursts really bring out a...similar flavor in the Skittles."
"I love Food and Stuff. It's where I buy all of my food. And most of my stuff." - Ron.
(During the tasting of the cookoff, Kyle makes a comment about how Chris's organic turkey burger has an "umami" flavor, which apparently means it is worth savoring?) Jerry responds with "Stop being so pretentious, Kyle!"
"Hey, what's up?" - Leslie. "Well, I think I'm allergic to chutney....also, what's chutney?" - Ben. "No clue."
Episode Eleven, "Jerry's Painting":
(Chris has just set Ben up with a lady named Cindy.) "She's beautiful, inside and out. Inside beauty is Very Important. Also, outside beauty is Very Important."
"This is awesomely perfect! Burly just moved in with his rich girlfriend, and we need help paying the rent." - Andy to Ben, after finding out that he needs a place to stay. "We have a couple house rules, though." - April. "Yeah, sure, of course." "You can't use the front door, you have to climb in through the back window. No personal phone conversations. If you ever speak to me in Spanish, please use the formal 'usted', and no electricity after 6 p.m." "She's just joking. You can use as much free electricity as you want. Cause it's free." Andy laughs.But April isn't quite finished yet. "Couple more house rules: If you ever watch a sad movie you have to wear mascara so we can see whether or not you've been crying, there's no noise allowed on Mondays, and no TV after breakfast."
"Okay, everyone, SHUT UP! And look at me! Welcome to Visions of Nature. This room has several paintings in it. Some are big, some are small. People did them and they are here now, I believe after this is over they will be hung in government buildings. Why the government is involved in an art show is beyond me. I also think that it is pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they could just go outside and stand in it. Anyway, please do not misinterpret the fact that I am talking right now as genuine interest in Art, and attempt to discuss it with me further. End of speech." - Ron.
"Are you guys...frying marbles?" Ben asks. "We were checking to see if the fire alarm worked." - Andy. "It doesn't." - April.
(Orin stands in front of completely blank canvas.) "You forgot to paint a painting, son." - Ron.
(Jerry shows off his new painting of the goddess Diaphenia as a topless centaur with Leslie's face.) "It's...uh, stunning," Ann frowns. "Breathtaking." Tom adds. "...Yeah...it really is," Donna bites her lip.
"In one brushstroke, Jerry has killed the Jay-Z vibe its taken me years to cultivate, and replaced it with a fat brown baby vibe. Which is NOT as cool of a vibe!" Tom yells at the camera during an interview segment.
"I'm sorry; are you eating turkey chili off of a Frisbee?" - Ben asks April and Andy, incredulous. They explain that they're using Frisbees because they don't have any dishes. (And presumably chili for breakfast is because there isn't much other food in the house.) Ben then decides to teach them how to be adults. It's hysterical.
"Leslie, for those in the audience that might not know, are centaurs real?" - Perd. "No. They are not." "Are you sure?"
(Ben explaining how to do laundry.) "Okay, first, you separate your lights from your darks -" "That's racist." -April. "-and then you - Where do you guys keep your laundry detergent?" Andy hands him bottle. "This is bubble bath. You guys wash your clothes in bubble bath?" "Bubble bath, clothes detergent, same thing." - Andy shrugs. "No, they are not!" "Well, they both make bubbles, so....same thing."
"All right, we need to do some basic organization." - Ben. April and Andy sigh. "Where do you put your bills when they come?" "I read the magazines, and give the rest to Andy." "Which I organize into a pile, or a stack, and put into the freezer." "Why?" "So they won't get lost." (Ben goes to freezer, pulls out heap of bills, and then stares at it in disbelief.) "Okay, you have to pay these..." "Good thing I didn't lose 'em!" Ben shakes his head. "Okay, new lesson in Basic Finance: I am going to teach you how to balance a checkbook."
"Yeah, well....there are nipples in it, so it seems like we ought to destroy it just to be on the safe side." A man on the Art Commission explains his reasoning for destroying Jerry's painting.
"Okay, here is a list of errands you all need to run, and also a list of things that human adults need." - Ben to Andy and April.
"Why do they want to destroy it?" Ben asks. "Well, it's a painting of me. As a centaur." "Okay?" "And it's a nude." "...Oh." (Ben looks very uncomfortable the rest of the conversation.)
"Leslie Knope, you need to bring that painting back right now! I have been very fair with you, but I am starting to feel very angry. And I don't like feeling angry. It makes my heart start racing. It is literally going 45 beats a minute..." - Chris.
"What are we doing? We didn't get a single thing that Ben told us to." -Andy, as they're finishing their shopping trip. "Sure we did....we got the marshmallow shooter," April grins. "That's....I don't think that's on the list." "But I want it." "I know, I want it too! But I also kind of want my own fork. Just because you eat really slow. Which is cute, but also super annoying." April sighs. "Fine..." "What? What's wrong?" "Nothing...it's just that adults are boring, and I hate them, and I don't want to buy all this stupid boring stuff and become boring adults." "Hey...listen to me. Yes, we're going to get a dish rack and shower curtains and a cutting board, but if you think for one second that I'm not also gonna get that marshmallow shooter so that I can shoot you in the face with marshmallows while you're asleep, then...you're the dumbest woman I know." "You're gonna make me cry."
"You're a level-headed person. What should I do?" - Leslie. "Well, I don't know....it is one of the basic rules of government that you shouldn't offend people...." - Ben.
"Hey, what about Shelly from the health-food store?" - Chris. "I don't know who that is." - Ben. "Her brother died climbing Mount Everest?" "Nope. I don't think so."
Episode Twelve, "Eagleton":
"Leslie has a lot of qualities that I find horrifying, but the worst one by far is how thoughtful she can be." - Ron.
"Their people are not better than our people. The only things they beat us in is life expectancy, beauty pageants and average income. Who cares?" - Leslie.
(Ann is bailing Leslie out of the Eagleton jail.) "But in my defense, I believe that assault should be legal if the other person is a jerk." - Leslie.
"Happy birthday, Ron." - Leslie. "Ann said that you had planned a big party, with sombreros and karoke and-" "I did that for Ann. Why would I throw you an Ann Perkins party?" "What about the giant list of things April was doing?" "That was just a list of ways to mess with you. She do 'em all?" "She did indeed." (Ron then gets to enjoy his party: sitting alone in a room while watching Bridge on the River Kwai and The Dirty Dozen, consuming steak, bacon, waffles and whiskey.)
Episode Thirteen, "The Fight:":
(Ron provokes a huge argument over who broke the coffee maker.) "I broke it. It burned my hand, so I punched it. I predict ten minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with war paint on their faces and a pig head on a stick. Good. It was getting a little chummy around here."
"How's Jesse?" Leslie asks Ann. "Who?" "That photographer you were dating?" "Oh....We broke up. I didn't tell you that?" "No. I liked him." "Yeah....I did too....it was just something about....his face."
"Ugh, I hate talking. To people. About things! This is a nightmare..." April complains after being roped into Tom's latest get-rich-quick scam.
"How about this, Ron. Try Snakejuice. If you like it, you gotta talk it up all night. If you don't, I'll shave Jean-Ralphio's head." - Tom. "Yeah, I'd like to see that. Hit me."
"Try a little Snakejuice. It's 140-proof, which means it's seventy percent alcohol. But don't worry, there's plenty of caffeine in it to keep you awake." - Tom. "I believe an ounce of that would literally kill me." - Chris.
"This Snakejuice is rat poison." - Donna.
"I don't know you very well, but you're clearly very important to Leslie, and that must mean that you're a pretty great person." - Ben to Ann.
"Tom's not scamming anyone. He's not smart enough to manipulate the system like that. He's just a kid, chasing a goofy dream." - Ron to Chris, protesting a government ordinance that forces Tom to sell his share of the Snakehole Lounge.
Everyone has a horrible hangover the next morning.
Episode Fourteen, "Road Trip":
"...Wow. That was the most sexual tension I have ever seen in a conversation about documents." - Ann.
"It's an amazing instrument, the banjo!" - Leslie. "...Yeah. I didn't realize it could be this loud." - Ben.
Ron teaches a nine-year-old girl about libertarianism, which is entertaining.
Episode Fifteen, "The Bubble":
Not much here. It's a very strained, weird episode.
"Chris, you have come up with a plan so spectacularly horrible that it might ruin the entire department. Now, I mean that as a compliment, so it pains me to say this: My department has to go back to the way it was." - Ron. "They'll adjust." "No, they won't. They're miserable. Tom only performs well when there's someone to impress, so marooning him on Freak Island isn't helping anyone. And you made April assistant to everyone? You know who April hates? Everyone. And Jerry can only function is no one's looking."
Episode Sixteen, "Li'l Sebastian":
"I have some very important news about our favorite mini-horse Li'l Sebastian," Leslie announces. Cheers follow. "He died last night." Howls of dismay. "But we can take comfort in the fact that he is in heaven now, doing the two things he loves doing the most: eating carrots and urinating freely."
"When I walked in this morning and saw that the flag was at half mast, I thought, 'All right,, another bureaucrat ate it.' ...But then I found out it was Li'l Sebastian. Half mast is too high. Show some damn respect!" - Ron.
"It's times like this, when someone or some horse passes, that you really take stock of your life. You look around you and you start to realize what you truly care about." - Leslie. (Touching B-roll montage plays over this interview soundbite.)
"Look. you guys are totally welcome to use my office, just don't....do anything on my desk." - Ann. "Oh, we don't...you know - We just like to work in the same place, and then we talk and hold hands." - Ben. "Yuck. That's....somehow worse," Ann frowns. "Yeah, it sounded bad when I said it," he agrees.
"We need to send that glorious beast into the Great Beyond with a ceremony that rivals the Super Bowl halftime show." - Ron at a meeting.
"Good news is it's just tendonitis." - Dr. Harris. "How is that good news?" - Chris, aghast. "The other option was shoulder cancer," Dr. Harris answers in his deadpan sarcastic way. "Really??" "No. Look, you exercise a lot, you're in great shape, a couple things like this happen with men of your age." "Men of my age? How old do you think I am?" "42." "Ha! I am 44 and I plan to live to be 150." "Okay." "So, what's the cure?" "Get a time machine and go back to being 20." "Dr. Harris, you are literally the meanest person I have ever met."
"Okay, all the permits cleared for the 'horse funeral'..." - Ben. "What was that tone?" - Ron. "Huh? Oh, nothing....I am very sad about this," Ben stammers, not sounding sad at all.
"Hi, Ann Perkins." - Chris. "Oh, hi. How are you doing?" "I'm dying." "What?" "Of tendonitis." "Oh....I don't know if you should lead with 'I'm dying'..." "You're right, you're right. So! What's up with you?" "I'm just helping Leslie plan Li'l Sebastian's memorial service." (Chris stares at her in shock.) "Li'l Sebastian died? That's terrible." "Yeah....well, he was old....he had a lot of ailments...." "Like tendonitis?" "I don't know. I don't have his chart in front of me." "Could you get it?" "What? There is no chart..." (Chris sighs.) "Death is inescapable....goodbye, Ann Perkins."
"How did you find out?" Leslie asks Ron about her secret relationship with Ben. "We've worked together for a while now, I like to think I know you pretty well. Plus, Ben butt-dialed me last night."
Andy tries to write lyrics for the song Leslie requested, something about horses flying. "Horses don't fly," April critiques. "That's why I'm telling him learn to fly." He then tries out a couple different lyrics, which she clearly hates but is trying really hard not to crack up. "Maybe....try to do one without the word 'dead' so much. Or 'death'. Or 'you're dead'." "See? You're helping me already."
Jean-Ralphio and Tom ask for Jerry's opinion on which ribbon color to use on the armbands at the memorial service. "They're all black," he shrugs. (Go Jerry!)
"You are nasty."- Donna to Jean-Ralphio.
"I have cried twice in my life. Once when I was seven and I was hit by a school bus; and then again when I heard that Li'l Sebastian had passed."
"You know, tendonitiis is usually caused by overactivity. Have you been working out more than normal?" - Ann. "Well, I did do ten thousand push-ups last week." - Chris. "That would do it." "I'm sorry, I just...don't like thinking about death. Death is...." he stops, stumped. "The opposite of being alive?" "Exactly!"
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