Go With the Flow

This is the second part of the series of short stories based on our SWAT skits, the first part can be found here. 

“Here you go, Mary, here’s today’s mail.” Frank the mailman said, handing her the letters and bills of the day, plus several random magazines that came periodically without reason.

“Thanks, Frank. Oh, this is for you.” she answered, taking the mail and handing him a plastic container.

“Um…thank you, I think. What is it?”

“Some cookies and fudge, just call it a sort of thank-you present for your good work over the year. And with the weather getting colder, we’ve just felt like baking a lot, so…” Mary shrugged with a smile.

“Okay. Thanks. This wouldn’t be any….what do you call it, Christian charity, would it?” Frank asked with suspicion.

“Some people think of it that way, but it’s just cookies.” she replied carefully.

“Well, whatever you want to call it.” He rolled his Jeep Cherokee down to the next house.

  Mary turned back inside, pausing to let Raindrop outside before stepping in. “Why can’t you be more like your mother?” she directed this comment to the frolicking black-and-white dog, knowing she’d ask to come back inside at the most inopportune time.

“Because…eh….well. Isn’t it obvious?” Janie tried to answer this without crossing the line, mistakingly thinking the question was meant for her.

“I was talking to the dog.”

“Oh.”

“Guys! Be quiet! And grab the phone. We’ve got a chance to win tickets to Go With the Flow.”  Pete hissed.

“Really?!” Mary flew to the house phone.

“Yeah, K95. They’re gonna have Quentin Gage and Candy Karpinski promoting their new movie, and even the Killer from Slice and Dice. Maddie was telling me about it.”

Janie whipped her phone from her jeans and began dialing the radio station’s number.

Tense pause.

“Hey! It’s ringing.” Pete said hopefully.

His mom and sister watched anxiously.

“Hi, you’ve reached K95, this is Jim. You’re caller number ten; which means you’ll get a chance to play for tickets to Go With the Flow. You ready?”

“Uh, yes; yes, I am.” He made frantic motions to turn on the radio, Janie vaulted across the room and flicked it on.

“Okay, what’s your name, and where are you from?”  Jim the radio host asked. 

“Pete Morgan, and I’m from Ritter Hill.”  

“Mmkayy….I’m gonna put you on hold for a minute, and then when these songs are over we’ll play for the tickets, all right?”

“Okay.”

“Can you believe this?” he mouthed. They shook their heads.

“Come on, bro…you got this.” Janie breathed.

“Oh, I hope you win! That’d be so awesome…” Mary squealed.

Pete raised an eyebrow and made a “shh” gesture.

“MOM!” Janie snapped, exasperated.

“Hello, folks, we’ve got Pete from Ritter Hill today, he’ll be playing for tickets to go see an upcoming episode of the Go With the Flow game show.” Jim told the radio audience. “Pete, you ready?”

“Ready.”

“Okay, here’s the plan. We’ll ask you four questions, and you have to answer them all in ten seconds, but you have to answer them wrong, got it?” Jim’s co-host Kelly asked.

“Okay, I think I got it,” he nodded.

“Okay, then. Time will start when I finish reading the first question.”

Mary and Janie, huddled by the radio, looked at each other, wondering what could be so hard about this. Wasn’t there usually a catch to these radio and TV call-in contests?

“Here we go….How many months are in a year?” Jim asked.

“Four.” Pete replied immediately.

Mary and Janie’s jaws dropped. “How did he even…”

“What’s the opposite of ‘big’?” Kelly asked.

“Giant.” Pete answered promptly.

Mary shook her head.

“What planet do we live on?” Kelly asked again.

“Mars.”

A dishtowel was being furiously wrung by an agitated Mary.

“What river runs through Tulsa?” Jim asked the final question.

Pete’s reply didn’t come instantly, there was a fraction of a second of silence. Don’t say Arkansas, he thought to himself. “The…Missouri.” That is a real river, isn’t it?

Clapping could be heard from the radio station. “You just won yourself four tickets to go see a taping of Go With the Flow, man!” Jim congratulated. “Which station do you spell country with?”

“It’s spelled K95.5 FM.” Pete grinned.

Some behind-the-scenes sounds, the radio started playing Brad Paisley’s “Welcome to the Future”, then Kelly spoke up again. Janie turned the radio off.

“Okay, I just need to get your information, so we’ll know who to hold the tickets for, and then you can just come by the station and pick ‘em up, okay?”

After a few more minutes, he hung up.

“I don’t even believe it…” Janie was shaking her head, grinning.

“That was AWESOME, Pete! Wasn’t it, Yahoo?!” Mary danced their newest of the pack, a brown mixed-breed Lab, around in a circle. He didn’t think much of the dancing lesson.

“No way I could have done that, answering all those questions wrong in that short of time.”

“Me neither!” Janie agreed.

He shrugged. “Well…”

“Guess it doesn’t hurt to be dating the cousin of a game-show host, huh, son?” George said later that night once he’d gotten home from work.

“DaaaAAAddd….it’s not….We’re not dating right now. Anymore.” He coughed, looking to Janie for rescue.

“Dad, Pete and Maddie never were officially going out. With TJ, that kinda…well. And it’s not like that had anything to do with him winning the tickets.”

“Well, actually, she told me what day and time K95 would be running the contest…”

“Whatever you want to call it, like I said, it doesn’t hurt.” George said.

Pete and Janie rolled their eyes and bolted out of the room as quickly as they could.

“They weren’t ‘officially’ going out? What’s that supposed to mean? How is it ‘official’, then?” George asked his wife in a moment of 21st century-father confusion.  

Mary merely smiled to herself as she cleaned up the table from dinner.

“I think it means you’re being too nosy, dear.”

  

They were in Kansas City, the show was traveling around the country while the building the permanent set was in was undergoing a remodel, and producers thought taking it around the country might boost ratings. George had to work, but the rest of the family was there in the audience, along with Maddie Kojak, Pete’s one-time girlfriend and a close collaborator with Janie on different theatrical pursuits. She was also the cousin of the show’s host, Matt, and occasionally filled in for him when necessary.

“I can’t believe we’re actually here!” Mary exclaimed wonderingly for what must have been at least the nineteenth time that day. “Well, Mom…we are.” Janie said, giggling nervously. “That’s right, Rapunzel.” agreed Pete. She looked at him. “That was exactly the same tone as when Rapunzel says ‘That’s the funny thing about birthdays; they’re kind of an annual thing.’ in Tangled.” “Got it now.”

“Nice work, Snoopy.” Maddie said, high-fiving him. “Come on, guys, follow me.”

“But they’re about to start filming soon.”

She grinned. “It’s cool, don’t worry about it. We’ll be back in plenty of time.”

They followed her, rather uncertainly at first. Maddie confidently took a left into a space that clearly didn’t exist before, nodded at one of the security guys and held up a lanyard. “It’s okay, Ricardo, they’re with me. Do y’all have a date for the wedding set by now?”

“Hey, Miss Maddie, good to see you again. Wasn’t expecting to, though-“ “Just as audience member today.”

“Oh, I see.” (To the Morgans) “Enjoy your tour!” (To Maddie) “April 28th, kinda worried. Lauren is getting a little obsessed with the details.”

“It’s a girl thing. You’ll survive, don’t worry.”

They continued on, stopping at a cubicle with a mirror and a bunch of makeup. “Knock knock,” Maddie said brightly.

A man in a suit jacket and dressy Levi’s entered from somewhere. “Hey, Madd! How you doing?!” He gave her a bear hug. He also whispered something into her ear. “We ran into some trouble…gonna have to pick somebody from the audience.” “Think I can handle that.” she whispered back.

“I’m doing great,” she said in a normal tone. “Came up here with some friends, thought I’d surprise ‘em with the backstage look around. You mind?”

“Course not. Come on in, you guys.”

“Is that really….?” Janie hissed in Pete’s ear. “I think, yes.” He hissed back.

“I’m Matt, nice to meet you guys.”

Handshakes and introductions all around.

“Can I….could I have a picture with you?” Mary asked nervously. “This is, like, my favorite game show of all time.”

“Wow, even more than Jeopardy? I’m impressed.” Matt said. “Of course I don’t mind.” (To someone in the corridor.) “Hey, Stephen, can you snap a few pics for us? Friends of Maddie’s.”

“Thanks so much, it was great to meet you.” They all were slightly in shock as they left.

“Hey, Matt?”

“Yeah?”

“I finally talked Mom into giving you Deb’s fudge pecan pie recipe.”

“No. Way. Seriously?”

“Yep. Here it is.” She handed him the recipe, stored from somewhere in her purse. “Could I pick up those autographs for them that I asked for?”

“Sure can…they’re right here.” He pulled them from a drawer, along with a special oversize index card embossed with the official silver and lime green show logo and sticky putty on one side. She tucked them into her purse. “Thanks, I’ll see ya soon.”

Maddie quickly caught up to the others and they hurried back to their seats, dodging cameras and stage lights along the way, cables were strewn all over the floor, they looked highly trippable to the Morgans.

Eventually the lights came on, cameras were positioned right, the audience silenced, and a big flashing red sign marked “ON AIR” started blinking.

Matt Kojak strolled confidently onto the stage, greeting the camera with a grin and nod. The audience went wild. “Thank you, thank you, everyone! Welcome to Go With the Flow! It’s the game show where everyone’s a winner. (As long as they agree.) I’m your host, Matt Kojak, and today’s show is a special celebrity edition, with all winnings going to local charities.”

The crowd approved this statement.

“So, with that out of the way, let’s meet our contestants! You’ll recognize our first guest as Colin Thayer from the blockbuster hit movie Return to Titanic,  widely regarded by many magazines as one of the hottest young men alive – give a warm welcome to Quentin Gage!”

The women watching, who composed most of the audience, went into hysterics.

“Nice, huh?” Maddie nudged Janie, grinning. Except she wasn’t there…

“Uh, Janie…?”

She was racing up to the stage screaming, “OH MY GOSH, IT’S QUENTIN!!!” and locked herself in a death grip on one leg. Matt frowned, and nodded at Rebecca the security guard to get her off. “No, no! I LOVE YOUUU, QUENTIN!!!!!!” as she was dragged away.

“Crap…” Pete muttered, watching the scene.

 “Well, she sure thought you were looking good today, Quentin. Welcome to the show.” Matt smoothly snapped back into polished TV personality mode.

“I always look good.” The actor replied with careless flair. Most of the women swooned. Those who didn’t loudly voiced their agreement.

Matt smiled blandly. “Of course.”

“Let’s meet our next contestant,” he continued. “She’s an…international TV movie star, everybody’s dream girl, Candy Karpinski!”

Now the men in the audience loudly voiced their approval.

Candy waltzed into her seat in the row and sat down.

“Thanks for taking part in our show, Candy. What charity are you going to donate your winnings to today?”

She reflected an instant, then declared, “Women today are not treated with respect today, Matt, so I want to combat that by giving my money to a shelter for battered women.”

Quentin, and Matt, and most of the men in the audience merely stared at her.

“Pete!” Maddie smacked him lightly on the head.

            “Matt, are you listening to me?” Candy sounded irritated.

“Actually, I have no idea what you just said. But you looked great saying it.”

Candy rolled her eyes and crossed her arms, disgusted.

“But that sounds like a great cause, don’t you think so, Quentin?”

Still ogling her, the actor replied “Whatever, man.”

“Okay…” Matt motioned for him to move to the end chair, to give her some space.

“Let’s meet our third contestant. He’s known the world over, even though no one has ever seen his face – please welcome the Killer from Slice and Dice!”

Loud applause, mostly from the younger people.

Two terrified teens, one of which was Janie, raced across the stage screaming. In their wake came a figure clad in black robes and a cowl with a hideous skull-like blood-red tattoo covering his face, waving a machete around. Janie almost plowed into Matt in her hurry to escape. He stepped in front of the masked figure.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! There’ll be plenty of time for that after the show. For now, let’s win some money for charity, okay? Just sit down right there…” he motioned to the seat between Quentin and Candy.

“Our final guest, Barney the Purple Dinosaur, couldn’t be here today because we discovered he wasn’t famous anymore.” Loud groans, as well as some chuckles, from the audience. Somebody hollered, “Say it ain’t so!”

Matt winced, sharing their pain. “Yes, I’m afraid it’s true…so, that means we’ll have to find a fourth contestant. Reach under your seat, and if you’ve got an index card taped there, then you’re our lucky fourth contestant!”

Most heads in the audience disappeared as people ducked to see if they might be the person.

“AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!” Mary squealed. “That’s me, that’s me!!!!!!!”

The host grinned. “Well, come on down! You’re about to Go With the Flow!”

Mary raced down there excitedly, Pete reveled in his mother’s joy. Beside him, Maddie grinned. “You did not….” he started to say.

“Guilty. But don’t you dare tell.”

“What’s your name, and where are you from?” Matt asked the randomly-selected audience contestant.

“Um…my name is Mary, and I’m from Tulsa, Oklahoma.”

“Okay, Mary from Tulsa, do you know the rules to Go With the Flow?” Matt asked.

“Of course she does.” Pete snorted.

Blank stare from Mary, she froze. Candy was feeling sorry for her, recalling the myriad of auditions she’d flunked. Quentin was wondering where to get a good burger after the show, and the actor behind the Killer’s mask was trying to figure out how he wound up doing this.

“Uh, Matt…..I know the rules, I love this show, but with all the excitement….they disappeared.”

“Mom?” Pete did a double take.

“Okay, that’s all right, sometimes we can just get a little rattled,” Matt said swiftly. “It’s really simple; I ask a question, and the person who controls the board answers. Then the rest of you say whether you agree or not. If you all go with the flow and agree, then you win $500 for charity! How’s that sound?”

“Sounds great.”

“And what charity are you going to donate your winnings to today?”

Mary thought a second. “I’ll donate them to Grace Bible Church in Tulsa.”

“Okay, I’m sure they could use the money and put it to good use.” The audience chuckled at Matt’s flippant remark.

“You’ll get the first question,” he continued, looking at Mary. “Say you come across someone lying hurt and bleeding on the road. What would you do?”

“What is ‘I would help them’?”

“Wrong show.” More giggles from the crowd. “But that’s a good answer, though. How about you, Quentin?”

“Me too, Bob. For sure.”

“My name is Matt. Candy?”

“Of course I would help them.” Candy replied charmingly.

“Killer?”

The Killer thought a minute, shrugged, then gave a thumbs-up sign.

“Way to go with the flow! Looks like we’ve just won $500 for charity.” The audience went wild.

“Next question: Quentin, you’re at a huge Hollywood party with all your friends and entourage and hangers-on and paparazzi and everything, and there’s several producers you want to impress there, too. Somebody at the party offers you some marijuana. What do you do?”

The star thought a minute. “Well, it’s a little hard to imagine a party where everyone’s not trying to impress me, but I’m an actor, so I’ll try.”

“Good idea,” Matt dropped dryly.

“I’d have to say that I would smoke that joint, and definitely inhale and enjoy it.”

“Mmkayy…there’s his answer. What do you say, Candy?”

“…I guess so. I mean, it’s for charity, right?”

Matt shrugged. “Sure, whatever you want to believe. Killer?”

The Killer held a make-believe joint up to his lips and took a big drag. The crowd went wild.

“Looks like everybody else is going with the flow, so it’s up to you.” Matt said to Mary.

“No, I wouldn’t do that! It’s bad for you. And it’s illegal!”

Everyone looked startled. Matt frowned.

“That – that’s going against the flow. No money awarded for that one…You’re sure you understand the rules?”

“Yes, I understand.” Mary answered composedly.

“All right…let’s try again. Candy, you’re offered the lead role in a major upcoming movie, but if you accept the part, you’ll have to do several steamy love scenes. Will you do it?”

With the slightest twinge of irony, she said, “I’m assuming it’s essential to the plot of the movie.”

“Always seems to be, doesn’t it?” the host fired back quickly, with seeming perfect seriousness.

“You’re right. Sure, I’ll do it.”

“How ‘bout you, Quent? I can call you Quent, right?”

“No.”

“Okay, sorry, Quentin.”

“I pardon you.” (Pause) “What was the question?”

“Would you do a steamy love scene?” Matt was thinking to himself that being a game-show host wasn’t always what it seemed like it was cracked up to be. Maddie was feeling grateful that this situation didn’t come up on a day when she was hosting.

“Sure thing, Pat.” Quentin replied carelessly.

“It’s Matt. Killer?”

The Killer jumped up and started to disrobe. Matt leaped in front of him, hiding the scene from the cameras.

“Killer, stop! This is a family show! And we don’t want to get the FCC involved, that would be bad for everybody. And so…just, this isn’t the place.”

The Killer nodded and meekly sat back down.

“Well, would you do it?” Matt quickly got things back on track, directing the question to Mary.

She looked shocked. “No way!!!”

Now Matt looked shocked. “She…she did it again, folks. You’re still going against the flow. No money awarded – again.”

“How stupid can you be?” Quentin asked angrily.

“Just go with the flow! It’s for charity.” Candy pleaded.

“Okay, everyone, I’m sure we can all agree on this one. For the Killer; if you were guaranteed that nobody would catch you, would you murder a complete stranger for a million dollars?”

The Killer brandished his machete and swung it across his throat. Mary scooted her chair a couple inches in the other direction.

“Who am I kidding? He’d do it for free.” Matt tossed this aside to the audience. They chuckled in appreciation. “Quentin?”

“Sure, it’s just one person.”

Matt frowned. This show really was not going according to plan today. “Okay…that’s a little scary, but we’ll accept it. Candy?”

“I’d kill ‘em and then give the money to charity.”

“How sweet. Okay, Mary, it’s up to you; Will you go with the flow?”

“You people are insane! No, I would not kill a random stranger.”

The Killer brandished his knife and moved towards Mary. Matt leaped forwards again to stop him from inflicting any real damage.

“No murders on the show! That’s not allowed, either!”

The Killer stormed offstage.

“This is the lamest thing I’ve ever done! I’m firing my publicist.” Quentin fumed, stalking away.

“We hardly have any money for charity. How can you be so heartless?” Candy implored, almost in tears.

“Well…you’ve kind of ruined the show today. What do you have to say for yourself?” Matt asked Mary.

She bit her lip, then said, “…I guess sometimes you just gotta do the right thing and stand up against the flow sometimes.”

“Well….whatever helps you sleep at night. Sorry for the show today, folks; hopefully we’ll someone more willing to go with the flow tomorrow. Until then, I’m Matt Kojak, signing off.”

The blinking red “ON AIR” sign shut off, leaving the studio audience rather stunned. 

This is the skit I based it on.  The character of Maddie was created because I was sick with a sinus infection and couldn't talk, so Samantha had to learn my lines on two days' notice, with the only backstory being that she was Matt's cousin, all the rest was invented for this adaption.