If you are(or were) a coach of the Bombers, Fishes, Giants, Hornets, Socks, Rockets, Melonheads, Monsters or Wombats, (or the All-Stars, but they never really counted, I thought, because A: It sounds arrogant and pretentious to call your team "the All-Stars", and B: Their logo was terrible.) Anyway, whichever team you're gonna be the manager of, you're gonna need to have some players. And you're gonna need to know your players' names, isn't that right? That's right. (Yes, that is a "Who's on First?" reference.)
(By the way, since we're referencing different diamond-related items, here's a link to a equally fictional news story about what they're doing now.)
But, anyway, it's pretty simple: I'm going to rank, from least to greatest, all 30 players in the league. Stats given reflect Hitting, Running, Pitching and Fielding, in that order, they were assigned by Humongous Entertainment.
Level One - THE GRUMPY CAT-LEVEL "NO". -
30 - Jorge "Bonkers" Garcia (2-2-2-2) Date of birth 10/17
Ugh....where to start? He can't field anything cleanly(which is helpful when he's on the other team), and he's almost an automatic strikeout when he's at the plate(which, again, is quite useful). I've rarely seen him pitch, but I doubt he could do that very well, either. Jorge just isn't athletic. And he's a rich snob. And he WEARS A TIE. And he's constantly fussing about not wanting to get dirty.
29 - Maria "Pinky" Luna (3-3-1-3) dob 7/23
28 - Ronny "The Pest" Dobbs (3-2-3-2) dob 8/10
He is and always will be "The Pest". He cries at the drop of a hat, and at all other times is just extremely whiny. There are few experiences more embarrassing in the Backyard Sports Universe than allowing Ronny to get a hit off you.
27 - Sally "The Boss" Dobbs (2-3-2-3) dob 11/11
Just as insufferable as her little brother, but even worse, if that's possible, due to her unbearable bossiness. As Vinnie the Gooch said, "The Boss is kinda like a 40-year-old in a kid's body." One small area of praise: if needed, she could be a decent relief pitcher.
26 - Reese "Big Toe" Worthington (2-3-1-3) dob 5/25
Poor Reese....what happened to him when he grew up? His asthma was so bad it kept him from playing almost every sport(though he was a decent soccer player), and he was just kind of....weak. Not exactly a sissy, but....well, small and unathletic. And what kind of nickname is "Big Toe", anyway? Always wished someone cooler would have had a birthday this close to mine.
25 - Ernie "Funnybones" Steele (2-2-3-4) dob 4/21
Ugh....sure, he could hit line drives pretty decently, and was about a mile tall, so could snatch balls no kid should have been able to get to without a ladder or Moon Boots, but his personality was SO AGGRAVATING! And his jokes weren't at all funny, and that giggling cackle of a laugh...."shivers in indignation". No telling how many holes I put into his family's shed or balls launched into the neighbors' swimming pool at Steele Stadium.
Level Two - "They're All Right, I Guess."
24 - Marky "Cootie" Du Bois (3-1-3-3) dob 9/6
Too much of a farmer. I mean, overalls are fine, and so is going barefoot, but carrying around a frog constantly? Also, when we were allowed to play ball in the pasture at the Du Bois Diamond it always seemed like a cheap rip-off of Dirt Yards(probably my favorite field of all time). Always hoped he'd get Billy Jean to notice him, though.
23 - Lisa "Mad Dog" Crockett (2-3-3-2) dob 12/4
Baseball just isn't Lisa's sport. Set her up as a linebacker on the football field or goalie in soccer, or get her on the ice for some hockey, and she'll be a great asset for your team. But baseball isn't aggressive enough, which is why she plays sports in the first place. Also, she has trouble getting along with people, so that really doesn't help much either.
22 - Dmitri "Paste" Petrovich (3-3-1-2) dob 6/9
If it's football, I'll take Dmitri as a lineman/kicker for sure, but anything else? Forget it! His defense is okay, but he can't hit worth anything. And he's far too brilliant, it rubs people the wrong way. he did build Mr. Clanky with Kenny, though; so that's something.
21 - Dante "Stretch" Robinson (2-4-3-2) dob 3/3
"I see London, I see France/I see your underpants!" has to be among the most annoyingly memorable infield chatter/jeers ever. And he has an Afro. His bat was too small to justify picking him very often, but that just meant he'd make several amazing defensive plays a game which would frustrate me to no end. And his appetite....haven't ya ever heard of moderation, dude?
20 - Vicki "Swan" Kawaguchi (1-4-3-4) dob 11/5
I'd occasionally play Vicki if I needed some fielding help and it was a fast playing surface(for example, Tin Can Alley or Cement Gardens). But she just wasn't one of those people I enjoyed spending time with....something to do with the obsession over ballet, probably. And the tiny space covered by her swing.
19 - Amir "Sticks" Khan (3-2-3-2) dob 9/1
Another person, like Ronny, Vicki or Angela, suffering the Little Sibling Effect: You constantly judge them based on the accomplishments of their older siblings. Amir was fine, I guess, but just seemed like he was always trying too hard to copy Achmed and never quite could match him. Probably dropping his air-guitar-bat coming to the plate didn't help much there. Can't hit anything inside.
18 - Gretchen "Jabberjaw" Hasselhoff (2-3-3-1) dob 5/31
SHE. WON'T. STOP. TALKING. That's mainly why I disliked her, and was also disappointed that her birthday was so close to mine. But she was a decent player otherwise.
17 - Kimmy "Twinkle Toes" Eckman (3-1-2-2) dob 6/22
Kimmy and sports(especially soccer, but anything really) go together "like chocolate and peanut butter", as she likes to say. Not spectacular at anything, but a solid player who'll try her hardest to help the team win. And her backyard makes a great field. Often picked for ensuring good team chemistry.
Level Three - The Good, But...
16 - Tony "Vec" Delvecchio (3-2-2-3) dob 7/16
Sure, Tony's cocky and brash and overconfident, and he wouldn't be the easiest guy to hang out with, y'know? But listen, Slick; he's got one heck of an arm, which can come in mighty handy on those close plays late in the game. Set him in the outfield, especially at Playground Commons, and you'll do pretty well, kid.
15 - Billy Jean "Crazy Legs" Blackwood (3-2-2-2) dob 1/26
She's extremely tall, with city dreams of becoming a model and moving to "Pair-eese". But she's as country in attitude as they come, and easy to get along with, too. Not much help at the plate except for occasional line-drive singles, but she's usually good for advancing runners already on base. And she's a great first baseman, even though sometimes she has trouble catching the ball.
14 - Mikey "Nugget" Thomas (4-1-2-3) dob 10/19
He has a never-ending cold, is slower than the last week of school, has a pet rock and lives with his grandparents because his parents died (supposedly in a house fire). But he's a pretty good infielder at second or short, and can hit the ball a mile if he connects well.
13 - Kenny "K-Man" Kawaguchi (2-4-3-2) dob 10/20
"Don't let the wheelchair fool ya," Kenny will be the first to say. He can play pretty well; contact hitter, above-average on the mound, and good fielding. If it's a slow surface, though(say Dirt Yards or Sandy Flats), his (literal) wheels really don't work so well.
12 - Stephanie "Bubbles" Morgan (3-3-2-3) dob 8/15
Stephanie LOVES baseball, as she'll gladly tell you about if you give her half a second. It's her life. Her dad was a minor leaguer, and he taught her everything she knows; including Babe Ruth's batting stance. (It doesn't help much if sneaky pitchers know she can't touch anything outside...heheheh.) She's a natural shortstop, though she can really play almost anywhere in the infield.
11 - Luanne "Lulu" Lui (2-4-3-1) dob 1/27
The youngest of the Backyard Kids, she's also one of the fastest there is. Bunt or weak grounder, and then a flash of little girl and inseparable pink teddy bear around the basepaths. She can also pitch surprisingly well, if needed.
10, 9 - Ashley "Little Smokey" and Sidney "Little Smokey" Webber (2-3-3-2) dob 2/18
Nobody has figured out a way to tell the Webbers apart, so it's probably best to play them together. If tennis was an official Backyard sport, they'd be world-class. It's not, though....but that natural athleticism pays off well in any sort of competition. They work best when they're working together, but can do almost as well on different teams. Besides, how can you dislike them? (Other unofficial sports they'd be amazing at: Volleyball, Frisbee, and mini-golf.)
8 - Ricky "Fella" Johnson (2-3-3-2) dob 2/14
Ricky's quiet, doesn't talk much if he can help it. He prefers to let his play talk for him; he's nearly unhittable when pitching(those slowballs and hooks will get ya every time), and a pretty good fielder besides. Of course, his ambling pace combined with laid-back swing mean a for-sure out on offense.
Level Four - Topps
7 - Annie "Flipper" Frazier (3-3-1-3) dob 9/18
Okay, I never really understood her lack of competitive-ness, and she's kind of a hippie, but she would make a fantastic teammate. Contact hitter, great catcher and overall team-encourager.
6 - Achmed "Axeman" Khan (4-3-2-2) dob 7/11
This dude rocks. Like, seriously. Kind of amazing he hasn't gone deaf with those massive headphones he wears(so were those, like, Beats before Beats existed?), but as much as he's into music outside of the game, on a baseball diamond he's pretty great, too. Doubles and triples, good fielding, decent pitcher for short periods, even a handful of stolen bases are possible with this guy on your team. And he's a terrific outfielder. (And what's even farther out than that: He's the third-best guy in the league.)
5 - Jocinda "MVP" Smith (4-2-2-4) dob 9/28
Jocinda is a great team leader; she'll get things done and her teammates will enjoy following her. That said, she's a very good athlete, but not the best. She's a good bet anywhere in the infield or outfield, though a little slow. Ground-rule double hitter, with a Kryptonite-level weakness of inability to hit pitches low and inside.
4 - Angela "Sugar Pop" Delvecchio (3-1-4-1) dob 12/20
What Annie lacks in competitive spirit; Angela more than makes up for on the mound. Batters dread facing her arsenal of speed-trap pitches, most notably her fastball, fireball and elevator ball. And at the plate, if she talk her bat into meeting that ball, they're gonna go places. Sure, she's a klutz, but it's pretty obvious where she should play, and her sarcasm and cockiness is a more-easily-accepted diluted version of Tony's. And man, if they play each other....
3 - Kiesha "Flash" Phillips (4-4-2-3) dob 4/2
Kiesha's a clown, it's hard not to like her. (Except her name is spelled weird.) But she can field, she can hit, and she can run.
2 - Pete "Wheelie" Wheeler (3-4-3-3) dob 10/13
Pete's a little spacey, for sure.(Catchphrase: "....What am I s'posed to do again?" Or his batter chatter: "Don't score a touchdown...") But if you can get him going in the right direction....good luck catching up. The fastest kid anybody in the Neighborhood has ever seen, he can catch okay and hit amazingly. (His power range goes from ordinary bunting to home-run-strength.) The tales of his exploits in games would be hard to catalogue. In fact, they may even surpass the top player...
1 - Pablo "The Secret Weapon" Sanchez (4-4-3-4) dob 8/18
Could it be anyone else? Almost unmastered in everything. ESPECIALLY baseball. I mean, he's even got his own field(Casa de Pablo)!
That top tier was hard to rank, cause everyone is so closely matched in skills. It could easily have had a different arrangement; but for now, this will do.
My typical team: The Super-Duper Wombats, wearing orange, or Red Rockets, or Green Hornets. Outfield: Pablo, Achmed and Jocinda. Infield: Some combination of Pete, Mikey, Stephanie, Luanne and Billy Jean. Pitcher: Angela or Ricky. Catcher: Annie.
I'd like to see a game with the Wombats facing the Rockets with the following players: Wombats - Angela, Pete, Kiesha, Kenny, Tony, Dante, Achmed, Ashley and Billy Jean. Rockets - Ricky, Pablo, Jocinda, Annie, Luanne, Stephanie, Sidney, Mikey and Kimmy. Play it at Cement Gardens...yeah, that'd be something to watch.
The Rankings of Power-Up Pitches(so not counting fastballs, slowballs, and left/right hooks):
7 - Crazyball. It was actually pretty easy to hit, and you could hear it coming.
6 - Corkscrew: Same, harder to control where the ball went, but it was also relatively easy to connect with this pitch. And almost nobody could throw it very well.
5 - Spitball: Disgusting, and tough to get a good hold on.
4 - Slo-Mo: Maddening. If you were really patient, though, you could get a nice hit off this one.
3 - Elevator Ball: Surprisingly hard to throw well, and it usually resulted in a pop fly if misjudged.
2 - Fireball: Angela and Achmed were about the only people who could control this one accurately, and it was near-impossible to hit(though it could be turned into a grounder on rare occasions).
1 - Big Freeze: The most unfair pitch ever devised. Absolutely unhittable. And almost as tough to throw.
If you've made it this far, you either don't have anything else to do or you really loved Backyard Baseball. Either way, thanks for reading!
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