AI-12 Auditions, San Antonio/Long Beach

     There was a lot to this episode. A lot of good people, a lot of terrible people, a lot of quotes, a lot of of really bad singers who got through....

    
     San Antonio Contestants -

Vincent who went first was really old for this show(29), not my music.

Derek and David seemed like nice guys at first, if awkward, but they COULD. NOT. sing together. Maybe they would have sounded better separate? The judges were killing them, but they were rude too, so....it was a Dramatic Clash at the Alamodome. Rude all around.

Savannah was the sob story single mom....and she looked like a Spurs cheerleader stranded in the wrong place...and then she STARTED SINGING. It was bluesy wailing, sort of like a beagle, only less musical. NO.

Two-Tone Ricki Jo....that was painful, hahahaha.....

Cristabel was all right. Weird hair, though.

Ann seemed likable and friendly, she sang well. Easy to cheer for.

Victoria had a voice that was all right, but WAY TOO MUCH LIPSTICK. And a mariachi singer? ...Really?

The Outlaw Montage was fantastic. Ly awful.

Papa Peachez: Oh please...And then, that was supposed to be...a song? Uh.... Thank goodness for Keith Urban, a judge who actually judges and doesn't mess around with false praise. "That seemed very theatrical, so much so that I couldn't find you in there...It's a no." (Immediately slams his head into the table as Nicki's nagging begins)

Sonny was a friendly guy, seemed cool to hang out with, he sounded all right. KU: "You have a great balance of humility and confidence." (WHERE were critques like that, Paula/Ellen/Steven/Jennifer/Mariah?)

Adam sounded like a girl. A girl who can't sing.

    
     San Antonio Quotes -

Ryan, to Cristabel's husband, who's holding sleeping son: "So, today's the big day?" "Yep." "What if she makes it?" "He's probably going to still be asleep."

Ann, on being surprised by Randy at the U of A football game: "Did that really just happen?" Her husband Jordan: "It really just happened." "I'm literally living in a dream right now."
Keith on Ann's audition: "You had a lot of faith right there." Ann(nodding): "Yeah. And passion, too. It's...just that kinda song." Mariah: "I think he meant Hill..." Keith: "Well, yeah, there was a lot of that, too."

Nicki on somebody horrible: "Eek."

An exasperated Keith on Nicki's incessant pleading to get Randy to change his mind on Papa Peachez(The Dawg held tiebreaker for now, she succeeded, he went to Hollywood...sigh), muttered in her ear: "You're evil."

Randy to Nicki after Sonny's audition: "Nicki, what'd you think?" "I'm thinking of candy canes, and rainbows, and strawberries, and whipped cream, and blue skies..."

    
     San Antonio Miscellany -

The contestant numbers were really low. Keith had just gotten his highlights done, Nicki's first-day wig was platnium. her second-day wig was black, and she had a "Sparkly. Purple. Plaid." hat...even for her, that's... odd. What was that black thing Mariah had on her shoulders at first? They didn't announce golden tickets for Texas.

    
     Long Beach Contestants -

Shuba was horrible, and thankfully, easily forgettable.

Brian the Restroom Singer...Oh....(groaning). Loved all the bathroom jokes, it'd take way too long to type out his whole auditon, because the whole thing was full of great quotes, so just YouTube it ASAP.

Matt the veteran had a good voice, but I hate that song. Keith immediately jumped on his tattoos, neat backstory on them, memorializing his fallen Army buddies. I was trying to figure out, is he a single dad? Cause it seemed that way, but then that lady at the end had a sign that looked like it might have said "My husband is going to Hollywood", so I'm not sure. His daughter sort of stole the show.

Stephanie Purple Hair did a screamo version of Adele. That's got to set a new record for weird. And the way she galloped out of there smashing into things...halfway through the song?

Josiah the Captain: No way! And then the fire alarms went off...making a bad audition worse.

The Ghost Montage was great.

Micah the Tonsils Guy I instantly felt sorry for, his story is real, and more evidence of why dentists are some of the worst people on Earth. And then I froze when he said he was singing "Chicken Fried". And then I was Blown. Away. THAT WAS INCREDIBLE! Taking a great country song and gospelizing it...I wrote in my notebook: "LOVE THAT!!"

Rachel was funny, and she can sing!

Briana had another sob story, on bullying....okay voice, not remarkable in any way.

Matheus is short....dislike that song, but he did great, and seems likable.

    
     Long Beach Quotes -

Keith and Randy looking around in confusion at beginning of audition: KU: "Budget cuts..?" RJ: "Nah...I think they must be lost at sea." KU: "Did you mean that metaphorically, or...?"

Keith on terrible contestant: "That was unusual."

Randy on terrible contestant: "I have indigestion after listening to that."
Randy on Rachel: "She has to be the happiest contestant I've seen, ever."

Matheus: "First, before I sing...Is there a height limit on this show?"

    
     Long Beach Miscellany -

Who had the bright idea to stage auditions on a cruise ship? Didn't they learn anything from Season 11's San Diego aircraft carrier? I loved the cinematic opening to the second half of tonight's episode, and the critics' praises of the film were fantastic. "Mariah eats up the screen...and Randy eats up everything else." "It's like Titanic meets The Love Boat...only more Urban." It was hilarious that Mariah was stuck in traffic, and it was in a way nice to have Nicki gone for a bit, things were more sane. Mariah still didn't have anything useful to say, but Keith did, and Randy was more his old self. Fifty California tickets, that brings us to at least 210 in Hollywood.

    
     More Miscellaneous Bits -

I love the Coke Happiness Calories commercial. All Krave cereal ads are dumb. The JCPenney "Same Clothes, Cheaper Prices" spots were interesting. Maybelline was...audition-quality weird, all of them. The Kay Photobooth was sappy, but in a good way, that was a good ad. And the Kay Star was another good one. (Why are Kay Jewelers commercials generally so good?)

Of the movies soon-to-be-in-theaters, Beautiful Creatures looks terrible. Warm Bodies looks horrible. Identity Theft will be awful. Safe Haven looks like it might be good. Escape From Planet Earth looks like a sequel to Monsters Vs. Aliens, and of about the same quality: Good for about five great one-liners, and the rest of the film is empty nothingness.

     Most surprising of all: The 1979 Mean Joe Greene Coke ad was dethroned by CBS as All-Time Best Super Bowl Commercial Ever Filmed by the 2006 Making The Team Budweiser ad. (!!!!) Yes, that is a good ad. But not anywhere near that good!