See, it seems like the people I hang out with usually have something in common with me: They very often are really good at planning things...that never quite end up happening for whatever reason. It's been that way for a while. (Taking over NSU BCM SWAT; or a lot of the antics of the homeschool drama group.) College is a really good example.
Finishing up high school and the summer before starting college, here's how I thought it would go: I would move to Tahlequah and enthusiastically follow RiverHawk sports. I'd get involved with CCF, Tom Tucker was hoping I might eventually kind of lead it. I was also going to get involved with the NSU's journalism department and the athletics website. It was a little unclear how exactly it would work out, but Samara was going to take a few classes at TCC and then transfer to NSU the next year; sharing an apartment with Amanda, who was going to move down this way. And then together the three of us would form the Triumphant Toothbrushes, which would do mostly covers at first. When we could, the Toothbrushes would team up with Jon and/or Jed for stuff, kind of like what Brad Paisley and Keith Urban did for "Start a Band".
Some of the other Toothbrush songs would be Taylor Swift's "You Belong With Me", Owl City and Carly Rae Jepsen's "Good Time", Owl City's "Fireflies", "You've Got a Friend in Me" from Toy Story, Carly Rae Jepsen's "Call Me Maybe", Keith Urban's "Long Hot Summer", Carrie Underwood's "Jesus Take the Wheel", and Jason Aldean's "Tattoos On This Town" and "Flyover States".
Most of those things never happened. That's probably best. I mean, God works things out better than we do. Which doesn't make it much easier very often, but overall life works more smoothly that way...in terms of growing us into His image. Usually that means things go very much out of place to our way of thinking. It kind of sucks at the moment.
I said in "A Holiday Post", describing my first semester, that "adventures aren't usually very pleasant when you're living them. They only become that way when they're retold after the fact. While you're there in the middle of the action, they're generally awful and horrible, and nothing is clear at all. But they shape us, grow us...Most of the time, it seemed like my faith was somewhat weak, I was trying desperately just to stay afloat. But maybe...maybe those are the times it gets stronger? Anyway, God never said that this life would be easy. But he did say that he would give us what we needed at the moment, that He'd see us through. And He does."
On one of my solitary nighttime hikes around downtown Tahlequah, a phrase describing a common Race of Joseph characteristic popped into my head, which I wrote down as soon as I found a notebook. Last spring I was finally able to wedge it into something; using it for a Creative Writing poem. "...Runners by nature, driven to roam/Searching for a not-so-temporary home...."
It was at the youth group ice skating on Monday, December 21, 2009 that we met. (For reference, the post-fire remodeling had just finished in early October.) The last time I had been ice skating was probably when I was five. But it's a lot easier to skate on ice than it is to roller skate, I found. Plus I was just thrilled that I could be somewhat competent, since it's not like I grew up in Minnesota or somewhere like that. Those in attendance were the Coxes, Dylan, Marie, Corinne and Justine, Paul Watson, and Robert and Laura Rusco..Marie had brought a friend along; she was this girl from Oregon, with a really weird name that was hard to remember, who had survived a car wreck about six months earlier. I got her name as "Sahara", like the desert, she got mine as "Brad", as in Paisley.
We got to talking, we were both oldest kids of five siblings, and we both liked country music. Also, we were both at the very early stages of learning to play guitar. After we'd chatted for a bit, somewhere in the astonishment of gliding more-or-less steadily along the shaved-up surface, I had this thought: "That's the kind of girl I'd want to marry or date someday. I'd like to get to know her better." After the skating the Ruscos were hosting a game night, so before that got started I picked up a guitar that was sitting in the living room and (very scratchily) picked through "Amazing Grace". It was awful, and I knew it, but you have to start somewhere. And besides, it was played very quietly. I look up when I'm finished, and Marie's friend(she said to call her Sam) is leaning against a wall on the other side of the room, listening. She says something like "That was good", which I know it wasn't, but that still felt good to hear. There was a lot of Canasta played that night, too. And Catchphrase.
A couple weeks after that, I was listening to the K95 morning show when they had one of those call-in contests. I dialed in fast enough to be the one on air, and the quiz was to answer four question wrong in ten seconds. (I said that there are four months in a year, the opposite of "big" is "giant", we live on Mars, and that the Missouri River runs through Tulsa.) So by winning I got two tickets to the Brad Paisley concert in Oklahoma City, which Mom and I went to. Justin Moore and Miranda Lambert were the openers. It was awesome. But anyway, the next Sunday, Sam stops me in the hallway. "Were you on the radio the other day?" "Yeah. I ended up winning one of those contests and got Brad Paisley tickets." "Okay, I thought so! 'Cause I was trying to enter that, too, and then I heard you and I was like, 'Hey, I know that guy...!' So, how was the concert?!"
From there, there were a lot of shared memories. Mom giving us driving lessons on how to back up properly, hitting three trees in the process; washing dishes; shopping for Scotch tape; arguing about American Idol contestants or Taylor Swift music; football games; SGYC 2010 and 2011; Facebook wall-avalanches; board-game nights or murder mysteries; sharing good quotes or songs to learn; encouragement, advice or a listening ear when needed. Together we kind of served as the Creative Ideas people when it came to youth-group projects. They didn't all turn out very well(the Amazing Spider-Man Expedition comes to mind), but some did all right(like our Carrie Underwood duet).
It wasn't really one of those things you talk much about, but most people at GBC, and a few SGYC friends, too, thought that eventually we'd get married. If this subject was mentioned at all, it was colored in very vaguely, and always in a joking way. But I hoped that, too.
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| Jamie took this during the youth group ice skating trip during Christmas break 2009, when I discovered that I could skate, and also where I met Sam. From left-to-right: "Brad", Paul, "Sahara". |
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| My sister Courtney snapped this photo during the 2011 SGYC talent share. Sam and I were playing Carrie Underwood's "Temporary Home". Once we got back , Sam Photoshopped the original picture into this, featuring the lyrics to Randy Newman's "You've Got a Friend in Me". |
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| This picture was Sam's idea, as best anyone can remember. Clockwise from bottom left: Jed(the extra hand in the chain, because he jumped in late), Sam(with the hair tie on wrist), Jon, Wes(with rubber bracelet) and some random guy named Noah. |
After a hectic senior year for both of us that included losing our jobs; relatives passing away, among other family things to deal with regularly; we both grew a lot as people. Whether we were talking face-to-face, through FB chat over breakfast, scrawling on each others' walls, texting, arguing about or plotting something with Jon, Jed or Amanda, or sending letter-type messages every couple days when things got busy, it was really good to know there was somebody who was often praying for ya, or would let you complain when you needed to. Who could read between the lines well, and knew what the real answer was behind the careful deflection of questions asked by well-meaning people.
When my college freshman year started, there was a lot going on. It was a huge change for me, obviously - moving solo for the first time, then dealing with having to attend classes, deal with homework stresses and hassles of dorm life. Temperature whiplash, then the never-ending battle of spiritual struggles and mental endurance tests to deal with. Her family was moving at the time, and she was helping out with starting a restaurant called The Rusty Crane down by the Drillers' new stadium, while at the same time dealing with problems with TCC and the DMV.
She was able to get off work to visit home in Oregon for a couple weeks in late October, which she was thrilled about. I was really happy for her, too; she'd told me lots about the places she grew up, we were gonna go road-tripping up there together at some point so she could show me in person. While over there....something happened. We never asked for details, but it was something really bad. So, on getting back, she tried running from whatever it was, since that is the easiest default coping method, along with playing guitar. If you keep moving, then you won't have to think.
That's the way the theory goes, anyway. Sometimes it works. But not as often as would be preferred.
She just fell like a meteorite...a lot of us from GBC tried to rescue her, or at least slow the crash, but....you can't save everyone. That was part of the reason I don't really care much for The Amazing Spider-Man 2, the shot that comes first to mind is Gwen falling....and falling... (The way they did the transitions in the cemetery was another really good shot.)
No one ever really brings her name up. And when we do, we say that she died. Because, spiritually, and socially, she did. The girl we all knew and loved disappeared a long time ago.
That's been hard to deal with.
Really hard.
It's one of those weird unspoken societal rules that don't make sense; if something like that happens, you just don't mention it, ever. Maybe out of trying to protect feelings? There have been times when someone says something, usually lighthearted, in exactly the same phrasing as something Sam would say...you can only laugh along and mask the ache. A couple months after that, in July, Sunny died. That was awful. I was already trying to deal with Sam's death, and then my favorite dog on top of that... And in November, Copper was run over. That was basically the last straw. Part of the reason I threw myself so deeply into BCM life was to stay busy. And besides, there was a lot of great folks to work with, who had their own stuff they were dealing with. Again, all those things were never mentioned, but that support was fantastic.
With leaving Tahlequah, that meant what bit of a life I'd scraped together was gone. With it, the activity of BCM life. Online classes keep you busy, but there was still too much time to think. And then moving to Claremore in January, that was difficult. Because there's a whole new geography to learn, learning anew the tendencies of teachers, and there was a much higher level of expertise and caring that I had for communications. Plus I didn't really know anyone. And then some of those novels we had to read for the Study of the Novel....that was painful. Most of the books were depressing, or poorly-written, or just foolish, or all three. Kate Chopin's The Awakening is how a woman's life spirals downward, and it ends with her committing suicide. I was almost yelling and pleading with the main character on every page. So to have to analyze the book and read it several times over...it wasn't fun. And then right after that were Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby and Hemingway's The Sun Also Rises, which are both good books. But Daisy and Brett are hard characters to figure out, and they're disappointing, too.
Over about the last sixteen or eighteen months, it's been hard those Sundays at GBC. That's one of the downsides of attending the same church for eleven years...the pile of people who once-attended-but-now-aren't can grow quite big. There's good reasons, sure; school, moving, etc. You know they won't be there, but you still expect them, somehow. Sam was one of those ghosts in the hallway. Every time I turned around, I thought she'd be there.... And then I'd remember. This has happened off and on since, but almost every week for about the last year and a half..
"Life is pain, Your Highness," Westley tells Buttercup just after rescuing her from Vizzini during the Battle of Wits in the movie version of The Princess Bride. In the book, Fezzik's parents were the ones who said that, when they were teaching him how to wrestle. "Anyone who says different is selling something."
A subplot of The Winter Soldier is Steve trying to adjust to life in the 21st-century, and a smaller branch of that is Natasha's pestering/teasing him often about dating someone again. Amanda does that to me frequently. (So does Dad.)
Sleepless in Seattle is a great movie. Sure, the plot involves an incredible amount of luck, but it's great storytelling. Tom Hanks is a terrific actor. And Sam Baldwin's grief was so real and sad.
Up is another very good movie. Pixar does everything so well, it brings you to tears.
On the way up to Conway last month I picked up a Monster, because A: It was very early morning, B: I was going to need a jumpstart energy-wise in order to keep up with everybody all week, C: Energy drink consumption is an SGYC tradition for Tulsa-area groups on the drive to Missouri, D: Monster was her favorite brand. And E: Usually when it comes to energy drinks, I tend to go with Rockstar or Red Bull, because of D.
It was a good week, being there at Beth-Eden and working with everybody again. I didn't really even try to take notes of anything; just appreciated living in the moment, instead of capturing it to put on display later. But still, I mean, there were a lot of memories everywhere I looked. Sam was a big part of a lot of them. But it didn't hurt this time, replaying those videos. Gradually through the week, I realized something: Okay, she's dead. It's awful, and it sucks. But that's the past; it's over now. You tried everything you could. Keep going, and move on now with the next chapter of whatever's coming in your life.
On the way back we stopped for gas in Springfield, so I picked up two energy drinks for the way back. That's another SGYC tradition, picking up two for the ride home. But about an hour later, I realized what my thought process was for buying Monster - they were the cheapest. That's it.
And in the weeks since, there hasn't been that expectant feeling on Sundays.
In writing this post, I had to dive back deep into the Facebook files, a lot of which are archived conversations and wall-posts back and forth...it's been really nice to remember. Kind of weird, though; almost like looking through somebody else's mail.
I can't say that I can bless the broken road yet, because life ain't always beautiful. And sometimes, if you're going through hell, you just wake up, go to work, head for home, check the phone, just in case... that's a pretty-accurate recap of these days in college. But those are the times where, even if it breaks your heart, you have to say "My friend; so long..." And in tears, you pray, "It's killing me, but not my will, Lord, but Yours..."
There's a Keith Anderson song called "I Still Miss You" that says this: "I never knew til you were gone/How many pages you were on/Well, it never ends, I keep turning them/Line after line, you're there again..." There's a lot of things that Samara influenced. Playing guitar by fingerpicking. Enjoying rain. Changing my opinion of Taylor Swift music(Mom helped with that, too). She and Courtney started calling me "Snoopy", and she and Amanda started calling me "Spellcheck". I still get called both sometimes. Tolerating coffee, and recognizing that it can be a useful tool. For a while I avoided Monster. I'm sure there's other things, too; but those are the first that come to mind. I'd still like to explore the Pacific Northwest at some point.
There will be pockets of time when it gets bad again, sure. But it's gotten a lot easier. And pockets of deep grief are better than all the time. What does that mean for life up ahead, exactly? I have no clue. But maybe it'll be easier to find a possible future pathway to travel. Jed said something to me once our first year as counselors, just after she died. We were talking about the spirit of adventure with Joe Paxton, I said I didn't think I had one. Jed looks at me for a minute, thinking. "I don't know....You kind of do, personally. It's just...cautious. Mixed with a....curiosity." I think he was right. That cautiously curious spirit of adventure probably won't take me by hot-air-balloon house to Paradise Falls, South America; but it might lead to some other interesting adventures. Guess we'll just have to see.
Long live the story of us.
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