(See also the quotes of season one, and season two quotes parts one and two.)
Episode Seventeen, "Woman of the Year".
(April reads the IOW award letter giving their Woman of the Year to Ronald Swanson. Leslie protests, April points out that she read it right; that's what printed on the paper.) "No, that can't be right! They only honor women, and Ron's the total opposite of a woman." - Leslie. (Ron walks in.) "What's going on?" "You're, um, Pawnee's Woman of the Year, looks like." - April. "Well. It's about time."
"Awards are stupid. Which is why I fully intend to decline this nonsense and recommend that it go to Leslie, because she works really hard, and I don't. However, she cares way too much about crap like this, which is why I can't pass up this opportunity to tease her about it." - Ron.
(At Andy's shoe-shine stand.) "So, why don't you just get a new place? I'll help you." - April. "Dude! You'd help me?" - Andy. "Sure. It'd be fun." "April, I love you. You are like an angel with no wings." "So, like a person." (Also, now they're Tackled Shaft, not Mouse Rat.)
(Angry soccer coach plows into Ron's office.) "Excuse me....uhhhh....RONN??! Someone's coming in!!!" - April.
"That's not really the attitude I expect from an award winner." - Leslie to Ron. "Everything I do is the attitude of an award winner, because I've won an award."
(During the beginning of Tom's sales pitch to buy part interest in the Snakehole Lounge.) "Jay-Z. Rihanna. Jon Gosselin. Lady Gaga. Snooki. Dennis Rodman-" "Are these real people?!" - Jerry asks Donna.
"Come on, Leslie. You know I'm not sexist. I love powerful women." - Ron. "That's true. You do attend a shocking number of WNBA games." "I'm just saying that awards are political, and everybody has an agenda. You spend your life chasing 'em, you'll drive yourself nuts."
(Leslie is raging at the IOW committee again, for purposely giving the Dorothy Everton Smythe Female Empowerment Award(which Ron had jokingly called the Dorothy Everytime Smurf Girl Award for Excellence in Female Stuff) to a man. "You do that! Don't pull your punches." - Ron cheers her on. "I'm not! I'm gonna push my punches! I'm gonna push them as far as my arms can extend!" (She marches off to her office triumphantly to write a scathing letter.) "Attagirl....Kind of...." - Ron shakes his head.
"I still think awards are stupid. But they're less stupid when they're given to the right people." - Ron, after giving the award to Leslie.
Episode Eighteen, "The Possum".
"I'm paying April fifty bucks to watch my house while I'm away. I would ask Leslie, but....I've seen the way she takes care of her house." - Ann.
"Andy has recently diagnosed himself with something called 'shoe-shine head'. It's when you've been shining shoes all day and the fumes create a thunderstorm in your mind. Cures include coffee, cheeseburgers, and taking naps on the floor." - April.
"Let's say you had to, hypothetically, catch a guilty whale. And while you were catching the whale, you saw something else that might also be another whale, and you were like, 'What?', but then you thought, 'Maybe it's not a whale. Maybe it's a big fish or a submarine with a face painted on it.' ...The point is, if I kill the first whale, am I technically a murderer?" - Leslie. "I don't know what you're talking about." - April. "I think I saw a second possum." (April stares blankly.) "There was another possum." "Wait....Andy's in there talking to a reporter and literally kissing his own biceps. You're telling me that he might not be a hero but just some jerk that goes around tackling random possums?"
(Housesitting at Ann's, with the possum on the couch beside her. They're watching a documentary on meerkats.) "Do you know them?" - April to the possum.
"....and then I opened the door, but it won't go outside. It must love... tacky pictures of flowers..." - a panicked April, while a possum is loose, can still find something mean to say about Ann's house when describing to Leslie how that possum got loose.
"Hey. So, I feel like you got mad at me yesterday, and I don't know why, so I made a list of everything I did and I'll try not to do any of it ever again. And, also, I got you some coffee." - Andy to April.
Episode Nineteen, "Park Safety".
(Talking about a parks safety poster.) "Jerry's face is the symbol of failure." - Leslie. (Snickers from rest of department.) "Of our failure, I mean."
"Mouse Rat, it's a great name, but at the same time....it sucks. So...I think we have to change it just one more time-" -Andy. "Dude. You've GOT to stop doing that. How are people gonna become fans if they literally don't know the name of the band they're listening to?" - Ann.
"I always had fun with Andy. But the trouble is, when you're his girlfriend, you're also his mother, and his maid, and his nurse....He's completely helpless! Like a baby in a straightjacket. Ooh, Baby in a Straightjacket, that's a good band name...I should tell him that." - Ann.
"My marbles are full of mouth today..." - Jerry, during presentation.
"Carl is the head of all outdoor security. Why was he transferred from his indoor desk job, you ask? Listen." (Tom opens door; Carl's normal speaking voice is shouting.)
(Ron is teaching the gang self-defense after Jerry's mugging.) "Welcome to the Emergency Self-Defense Class, I'll be showing you how to escape from a variety of situations while inflicting maximum damage on your attackers." - Ron. "Ron, you do think that maybe I should put Mark in a headlock, that way I can show everyone how to escape a pervert?!" - Andy. "Uh....in the scenario you just laid out, you're the pervert. You do understand that, right?" - Mark.
"This thing is a mess." - Tom complains about a golf cart. "WE USED TO HAVE THREE CARTS, ACTUALLY; THE FIRST ONE GOT PUSHED INTO THE CREEK BY SOME KIDS, THE SECOND ONE RACCOONS GOT INTO AND THERE WAS URINE EVERYWHERE, AND THE THIRD ONE WAS RECENTLY STOLEN." - Carl the Park Ranger announces. "What's this one?" - Tom asks. "THIS IS THE SECOND ONE." (Everyone looks around uncomfortably; cart starts with Tom running alongside it.) "ALL RIGHT NOW, ON THE LEFT, YOU'LL SEE ONE OF OUR MOST BEAUTIFUL GRASS FIELDS, IT'S PRIMARILY MADE OF GRASS...."
(Back at the self-defense class.) "Now, when your arms are pinned to your sides, use your legs to break free of the attack, not your neck, which is what Andy's trying to do." - Ron.
Episode Twenty, "Summer Catalog".
"Ann! That was terrible! Which are we shooting for, Maxim or Good Housekeeping?!" - Tom yells during a photoshoot for the Parks Department's Summer Catalog. "I'm not sure which of those is the insult..." - Ann replies. (Same scene, later, he's still yelling at her...) "How can someone so hot be so bad at looking hot?"
"Just, please, everybody try to look human! And not so evil." - Leslie complains during a photoshoot of all the living Parks Directors(none of whom can stand each other).
"Do you have that picture Andy took? Maybe I can just run it without any text..." - Leslie. "I tried to Photoshop it so they looked happy, but it was really hard. Their mouths are so old." - April.
(Most of Tom's pictures ended up all blurry.) "What about the ones we took on the swings? The normal ones?" - Ann. "You mean the Unhappy Wife photos?" - Tom. (He hands her those in a separate folder.) "These are even worse, somehow...I look miserable." "You do look kind of miserable..." - Mark, looking over her shoulder. "Now you know what I mean by 'make your face better'."
"Here's the welcome letter for the catalog. Except you didn't give me anything to work with, so there's nothing to say!" - Leslie. "Did you print this? I heard the printer going." - Ron. "Yes." "You could have just handed me a blank piece of paper..."
"Why would anybody ever eat anything besides breakfast food?" "People are idiots, Leslie." - Ron.
Episode Twenty-One, "94 Meetings".
"I'm....not really quite sure how I feel," - Leslie, about Mark's revelation that he wants to marry Ann. "Um - I - It's a little weird...I mean, I'm happy for them; they're my friends....It makes me a little nauseous.... If I could just sum it up in one word, it would be...um...." (She makes weird gasping sound, then manages a weak fake-smile and frowns at the camera.)
"Hey....Good morning!" - April weakly greets Ron when he comes into his office. "Why are there six people outside who say they're waiting to meet with me?" - Ron. "So....you know how you love me because you haven't had a single meeting with anyone since I became your assistant? That's because....every time someone calls and requests a meeting with you, I always schedule it for March 31st." "Why?" "Because I didn't think March 31st existed. 'Thirty days hath September, April, March and November'?" "June. June and November." "Oh. Okay." "So, how many meetings did I have today?" "93." "OOOOOkayyyy.....well, you know what to do." "Right." (I first watched this episode on March 31st, which made it even funnier. I also didn't know that March 31st existed.)
"To me, this situation is a nightmarish, blood-soaked hellscape. However, to Leslie Knope...." - Ron.
"Do you want me to set myself on fire or something to create a diversion?!" - a panicked April asks Ron.
"So, basically, we're swamped. I need you all to pitch in." - Ron to Ann, April and Andy. "I don't even work in this building!" - Ann. "We need anyone with a pulse and a brain." "Ron, do you need help with anything?" - Jerry asks, poking his head into Ron's office. "No, we're good. In fact, you can head home early." (He turns his attention back to them.) "Just sit there; and don't ruin the city."
"I was supposed to have this meeting with Ron Swanson?" - Random Pawnee Citizen. "Yes, but I'm afraid Ron Swanson is currently....dead." - April. "...Oh." "I'm his daughter, April Swanson, and it was his last wish that I continue on with this meeting for you."
"Thanks for meeting me here." - Leslie whispers in the hallway of City Hall. "Sure, no problem. What's up?" - Shauna, whipping out her voice recorder. "Okay, I'm gonna need you to get this word-for-word." "It's a tape recorder, so....it will."
(After learning the Ludgates' nickname for April.) "Bye, Zuzu." - Ron. "Bye, Duke Silver." - April. (He spins around, surprised.) "My mom has all your albums. I recognized you the day we met." "Have you....told anyone?" "No." "Good girl."
Episode Twenty-Two, "Telethon".
"I forgot to tell you....I'm not gonna be at the telethon tonight because I have no interest in being there." - Tom to Leslie.
(During interview segment, talking about Sweetums' NutriYum bars.) "I have no idea what's in these, but they are so good!" - Leslie. (Cut to interview with Ann.) "Sugar. They're big blocks of sugar."
(During a low point in the telethon, Leslie's forced to repeatedly flip a quarter and minutely recap episodes of Friends to kill time.) "I will now drink eight glasses of milk in three minutes." (Ann rushes onto stage right, stopping this plan.) "Nope, nope! No, you won't! Because if you do that, you will die." (Amy Poehler wrote this episode.)
"...and the story of this next dance is that's it's called 'The Worm'." - Perd Hapley.
Episode Twenty-Three, "The Master Plan".
"...Cool! ...Documents!" - April. "Yes, this is your original intern application, your original parking pass, your original photo ID-" - Leslie. "Did you get that out of my purse?" "Doesn't matter. And this is a copy of your very first paycheck! Happy birthday" "Thank you, Leslie....It's very lovely...." "Open mine." - Ron. (Leslie rambles on while April opens Ron's present, a brand-new pistol in case. Everyone yelps in surprise and somewhat in fear.) "She's an adult now. She should know how to responsibly handle and discharge a weapon!"
"Tom says it's okay....That probably means it isn't okay." - Andy, about dating April.
(Introduction of Chris Traeger and Ben Wyatt. Ben spends most of this scene scowling in a hilarious way.) "Hello there! Chris Traeger. This is Ben." "Hello, gents. Ron Swanson." (Chris points two inches in front of Ron's face. "Ron. Swanson." "...Okay..." "I'm deputy director Leslie Knope." (He does same thing to her, she nods uncomfortably.) "It is fantastic to be here." - Chris. "Would you gentlemen like a tour?" - Leslie. "Oh, there is quite literally nothing in the world that I would rather have than a tour of the Parks and Recreation Department of the great city of Pawnee, led by the great Ron Swanson. And Leslie Knope." "Okay!" Leslie grins. "I don't think that's a great idea-" - Ben. "Let's do it!" - Chris.
"Chris is the most positive state budgeting auditor that I've ever met. I mean, I made eye contact with him, and it was like staring into the sun." - Leslie.
"So, I'd like to start with where you guys think that there is waste in your department." - Ben's first interaction with Ron or Leslie. They both snort. "There is none," she says, while at the exact same time he says "Where do I start?" (Same scene, later....) "...but in order to keep this town afloat, we're going to have to slash the budget of every department by 40 to 50 percent." - Ben. "But Chris said you were only going to 'tinker' with the budget." - Leslie. "Yeah. He said that because it sounds a lot better than 'we're going to gut it with a machete'." (Ron laughs gleefully.) "You're a jerk. I'm sorry, but you're talking about real people who work real jobs in a real building, and they have real feelings." "This building has feelings?" "Maybe! There's a lot of history in this one."
"...That Ralph Macchio guy's a total douche." - Andy, about Jean-Ralphio.
"So. What brings you here so early?" - Chris. "Well, I'm here to speak to Ben, actually." - Leslie. "Great! I'm gonna listen to some ocean sounds and do some chin-ups." (He does so immediately.)
Episode Twenty-Four, "Freddy Spaghetti".
(After announcing that the Pawnee government has shut down indefinitely.) "Well, I hope you're happy." - Leslie. "I am! I'm extremely happy, because I don't think we should be wasting taxpayers' money." - Ron.
"The city government has been shut down for two days, and one city employee has been trying to schedule fourteen meetings with me...Can ya guess who?" - Ben.
"I mean, Idaho cut their budget for parks by 80 percent, and Idaho....is basically one giant park." - Ben.
"Traditionally, when I end a long-term relationship, I'm a little emotionally fragile; and I have a tendency to do some pretty reckless things. So I need to stay away from Chris." - Ann.
"Everyone needs a friend they can call and wake up in the middle of the night. Leslie's usually already up. And often she's already on her way over." - Ann.
"Children's concerts aren't a priority these days! Ya know what is? Sewage. Pawnee's kids are less important than poop tubes." - Leslie.
"You guys know Tom really well, so I don't have to apologize for his behavior, right?" - Lucy.
"I like you. In a...romantical kind of way." - Andy. "You do?" - April. "Do you.....like me?" "Yes," she answers immediately.
"They're coming! They're coming!" - Ron shouts, running as fast as possible onto Lot 48. "Who? The Russians?" - Andy. "No, the state auditors. I accidentally told them what you were doing in an attempt to save some government jobs. It's been a very strange day for me."
"Chris and I used to do audits individually....When he did it, nothing got done; and when I did it, I'd get death threats. Together it seems to work." - Ben.
(Surveying Lot 48 post-concert.) "I liked this a lot better when it was a pit." - Mark.
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